Separation anxiety in a teenager

[folly115]

Does anybody have a teen with separation anxiety (this is the only way I can explain it) ? Or a teen that is very very scared of new things without a parent ?

My daughter is 16 and since the pandemic she has been very anxious. We had school refusal through most of year 11 and the GCSE's were a nightmare she just about managed to sit them but wrote very little.

This should be the best summer for a 16 yr old but she will not go anywhere without me or her dad. She will not go out with friends because she doesn't like being without me or her dad. She has started a job and getting her there is a military operation. She is starting a new college or 6th form but due to poor results she will prob have to do a low level course. She is capable of A levels but because she had severe exam anxiety she will be unlikely to get high enough grades to get a place, so she will end up on a level 1 course - none of which she wants to do.

She says she just wants to spend time with her family and we keep pushing her away. When at home in her room or out with us she is so happy. The anxiety hits if she is out without us as we are not there to protect her. When I ask her what she wants protecting from she says scary people and bad things that might happen. She gets really angry when we try to instil independence in her.

I managed to get her a job as I thought it would be a great confidence booster but she says she doesn't need a job as she rarely goes out and she is quite happy staying home so why are we pushing her to go out with friends or work. She has also decided she isn't the type of person who can work as she finds it too stressful. She seems to think we hate her being with us and keeps saying that being together as a family is a god thing and we are trying to stop that.

She is ok if with another adult such as her nan or a friends mum but says she still gets the anxiety but not as much but if with us there is no anxiety at all and she can enjoy herself.

We were on holiday last week and she didn't leave my side and said she had a great time - we rarely saw her younger brother as was off with mates all the time. She wouldn't even walk back to caravan on her own!!!

Me and DH are at the end of our tether now and think if she is happy at home or out with us why bother pushing her to be out the house without us.
She spends days before work or going out with friends getting scared and worried and then she is sick and doesn't eat she has no anxiety if she is home or out with us.

The more we push the worse it gets but I feel if we just allow her to stay home and come out with us all the time she will end up relying on us for ever.

She had some private counselling last year but we just can't afford to carry on with this.

It sounds like a generalised anxiety issue rather than separation anxiety as such. Do you understand what might have caused it? Have you seen her GP? They should be able to point you to free resources which can help.
what she needs I suspect is a programme of graded exposure to anxiety triggers. If she copes well with a small exposure (eg trip to corner shop alone) her confidence builds and she can attempt bigger challenges. This will work but you could do with resources to support you all with it .
poor her and poor you. My heart aches for her reading this. But she can get over it.

Sorry I forgot to say we went to the GP back in February and he prescribed beta blockers which did help when she had exams and she takes these before work or going somewhere without us but they dont seem to be working as well. All this anxiety started when she went back to school after the pandemic. Apart from the separation anxiety when she was a baby pre pandemic she was very confident with a great social life.

I am a little reluctant to go to GP and get prescribed anti anxiety meds because they are usually anti depressants and I don't think she is actually depressed because she is keen and able to do stuff if with a parent.

Yes. My DD.

She is a year ahead of yours, missed all of y11 due to anxiety and depression, made it to college last year to do a L1 course. She managed about 75% attendance at college this year.

At her worst she fought going to sleep, had nightmares, very tired, no get up and go, no concentration, worried about going out, about touching things, couldn't cope with being alone, slept in my bed.

The GP gave her beta blockers for anxiety which helped a bit. We paid for private psychiatrist who prescribed antidepressants and melatonin. The antiDs were a game changer which got her just about OK to sit a few GCSE assessments and then energy to engage with therapy.

Get her referred to CAMHS if she isn't already.
Also apply for a EHC needs assessment, lots of help on this on the SEN board.

My DD is so much better than she was, with the mixture of meds and therapy and time. Even this summer she wasn't well enough to sit both English and Maths GCSE resits, so only did English.

The priority is MH, academics can be caught up later.

Just wanted to say I can see really good positives - that she will accept spending time with Nan or friend's mum, that she genuinely enjoys your company (you are company so she is still practising social skills constantly, not just sitting in her room ALL the time), loved her holiday, she was very confident and outgoing before the pandemic, etc. I'm sure she will be okay, you will look back on this time as a rough period that ended, I'm sure. Others will have better practical help but I'm genuinely warmed that she loves and trusts you so much while she recovers.

this is a book for younger children but I think you might find something similar helpful - we used a book called Helping your child with fears and worries - the thing to do is work out what your goals are and then break them into many many small steps. So - explain to her that she will need to be independent as an adult and you want to set some goals towards this such as getting to work without you. Listen while she talks through all her fears - then write down all the steps required to get to work and could she try various small bits of the steps . Ie. first day you drop her a 5 minute walk from work

My (younger than yours) daugheter has just started working with a clinical psychologist - in our large town there is a very good low cost therapy clinic - this clinical psychologist works with families as a group/ or individual teens/ kids - could you find someone like that?

As someone with an anxious child I know how hard it is - one phrase the psychologist used which I liked was 'it's not about stopping the fears completely as that might never happen - it's about trying to make sure the voice of fear isn't the only voice they are hearing' -

So - he said - you encourage the child to 'try' - to be brave, to think - maybe things will go better than I hoped. You don't just give up and let fear dominate their thinking.

She needs to live with less fear and you are not being cruel in helping her move forward - however she may never be as confident as her brother - it's about helping her be her best sefl.

its so tough Op - sympathies.