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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Don't know what to do to help DS(16)

13 replies

springisaroundthecorner · 17/08/2022 15:23

He's not having any meals at home. Just eating a few bits of junk every day, sweets, chocolate, sausage roll etc. He's very angry. Last night he said you aren't my real mum I don't ffing care a f about you (adopted as a baby). Not showering - last one was 4 days ago. Odd behaviour. Gets up, goes to bike track, doesn't come home while gone 10pm. Literally running himself in to the ground

OP posts:
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 17/08/2022 15:30

I think the only thing you can do is get him to talk to a trusted adult or a counsellor.

If there hasnt been anything to trigger this change at home I would be very concerned. With a change in behaviour, a change in attitude towards you and being out all the time watch out for signs of County Lines involvement. They prey on vulnerable teens, teens disillusioned by their homelives etc and are all over they country, they dont just prey on poor children but there has been an increase in more affluent children being targetted too. Look out for sudden expensive items, additional phones etc.

knackeredagain · 17/08/2022 15:30

What’s he doing at the bike track? And who with?

Seeline · 17/08/2022 15:32

Is this a sudden change in behaviour?
Is he awaiting exam results?
Any plans for September?

RichardOsmansXraySpecs · 17/08/2022 15:36

When did this behaviour start? Was there a trigger that you can think off? School/exam stress/new stepdad etc etc

Original poster
springisaroundthecorner · 17/08/2022 15:54

He stays very local. We share location on Google Maps . He's just at the bike.track with usual friends. I walk past sometimes and can see them. He has no cash, only a few pounds on a Hyper Jar card for food/drinks.
When he was leaving to go out this morning, his dad told him how rude he was to me last night. He said "I don't ffing care". He's just messaged me now wanting some money on his card for a McDonald's

OP posts:
backupplan1 · 17/08/2022 16:07

Drugs?

2bazookas · 17/08/2022 16:35

Last night he said you aren't my real mum I don't ffing care a f about you

He's growing up, his hormones and emotions are all over the place; he's thinking about having sex and contraception and what would happen to HIS baby if he got an unmarried girl pregnant. He's realising the enormity of his own life story , that all his birth and adoptive parents made CHOICES that control his life and he had no say at all in any of it. How bloody unfair was that on me, he thinks.

So he's giving you a taste of how bloody unfair maternal rejection feels. Of course it hurts like hell. You did nothing to deserve it. That's how he feels too.

Grit your teeth and tell him he is your boy and you love him.

Original poster
springisaroundthecorner · 17/08/2022 18:48

backupplan1 · 17/08/2022 16:07

Drugs?

He has no access to any cash but it does worry me as he's got ADHD

OP posts:
Original poster
springisaroundthecorner · 17/08/2022 18:50

@2bazookas that's an brilliant thought. We are currently waiting for life story work with professionals but there is a queue. He's always been shown pictures of his birth parents and we have chatted about it but the gritty stuff needs to be told carefully.

OP posts:
RoseMartha · 17/08/2022 18:58

Have you rung the post adoption team as there might be further support they can offer you. If you dont have your own Sw you can speak to whoever is on the duty desk.

carefullycourageous · 17/08/2022 19:02

I think this is completely understandable given his personal story. What do you Say when he says you are not his real mum, how openly do you discuss this at home?

Have you asked him about being angry, about being confused?

I guess all you can do is listen and ask him to talk to you, and explain that you know you are not his real mum but that you love him nonetheless.

knackeredagain · 17/08/2022 22:04

I wondered about drugs too, and sadly in my experience they can get hold of them without having cash, seemingly. But the adoption stuff makes sense too.
Is there something he’d enjoy doing with you? I’ve got a troubled teenage son and have just spent the evening outdoors with him. It’s worked wonders for today. I feel like we reconnected a bit. It sounds like you and him could do with some quality time too xx

lljkk · 20/08/2022 21:06

My first thought is he's allowed to have his feelings.
There's a fine balance, he's absolutely not allowed to abuse you but he is allowed to not like you or being with you. He's allowed to be grumpy, I guess I'm saying.

So I would think about listening, letting him talk, only upbraid him when he's bluntly rude or unpleasant, otherwise let him have space for his feelings, listen to whatever he says. Listening is learning what he thinks not agreeing with what he says. If you can create any space where he talks to you civilly, then nurture that, encourage those moments to happen.

Him saying "You're not my real mom" would make me want to reply "I'm the real flesh and blood mom here and now who loves you." something he may not like but he can't refute. "i dont' care about you" is a perfect opportunity to say "Well that's a shame. Anyway I still care about you." Give him that security.

I often felt with DD that her emotions were like the always changing sea & I was the immovable cliff. She might rage or be calm, but it quietly gave her great security & comfort to know the solid shoreline was so reliable.

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