Consequence for lying

[cosmosforall]

Hi. If your usually well behaved DD18 tells you a lie what do you think the consequence should be?

The lie is about a piercing. I had one rule - no nose ring piercings or visible tattoos if she wanted to be rent free or have access the bank of mum.

She got her nose pierced. I was very cross - she took it out. But today she was seen with a nose ring. She claims it was a magnetic one. But despite not leaving the house she can't produce it.

What's an appropriate consequence to show that lying is not acceptable and gets you no where in life?

Tbh she's an adult and even with my strict ways I think you're being ridiculous. She's lying because you're forcing her too.

Oh gosh really??? I am usually very liberal and try and have an open and trustful relationship with her.

But I personally hate nose ring (the ones like bulls have) and so I had one line in the sand and that was it.

Maybe just having one big rule was the mistake.

Definitely don't get too wound up about it. 😂 Just be thankful it wasn't a face tattoo!

Teens like to express themselves don't they.

I'd definitely punish for the lying, not the nose ring. Not sure what Id do though 😂 Maybe carry through your threat and remove pocket money/allowance for a period of time?

She's 18 you can't really punish her as she's an adult. Adults don't get punished unless they commit an actual crime.

The consequences when you are an adult are that you feel bad because you have disappointed someone, so explain that lying to you has made you feel hurt and disappointed.

Her nose, her decision. She shouldn’t have lied but it was in response to a disproportionate and unreasonable threat from you. She’s 18 so to be honest the time for punishments has long passed.

Just have a chat with her about it all and then clean the slate.

She's 18, so an adult - but she knew that it would mean no access to bank of mum / paying rent. My sister did the same, if it's the bull ring style piercing (septum) she used to flip it up inside her nose - you can't see it from the outside at all until she flips it down. My mum had a similar rule to you, but as my sister was the golden child all was forgotten. I'd say at 18 she's old enough to understand consequences for her actions, so if you do revoke bank of mum she can't say she didn't know it would happen!

You can't dictate to an 18 year old about a perfect normal nose piercing,that's mad! Even my 75 year old mum has one fgs ,looks fab too.

She's 18 and this is not the 1920s. God I hated my Mother for this. She went mad when I had my 2nd ear piercing at 18. I was a respectful and hard-working student. I'll never act like this with my girls. It's their bodies and at 18 they are adults. Why is she rent free? If she has a job, ask for a small amount of rent! Let her learn some responsibility that way.

The lie is about a piercing. I had one rule - no nose ring piercings or visible tattoos if she wanted to be rent free or have access the bank of mum.

I think this is a silly rule. But I'm not sure why you're asking what to do when it sounds like you already thought of the consequence, and told her it? Surely you already decided that if she got a piercing, she wouldn't live rent free - have you changed your mind?

To be clear, I think that's extreme, but you clearly don't.

she's an adult you can't give her rules regarding her own body, she isn't your property you know plus it's literally just a peircing

drop your rule on piercings. let your daughter live her life how she wants.

the punishment for the lie should be the natural consequences - you found out and are grumpy. no need for more penalties.

Let it go, she's an adult. You mean well, but don't make a thing of this

She's 18! You can't punish her for adorning her own face.

Okay thank you all for the perspective. We've had a conversation. I've explained that it's the lying that I am most disappointed in. I listened to her explaining how she felt about it all - that she didnkt want to break my trust but felt also it was her body and so was in conflict.

We've decided together that there is no obvious punishment. She won't get her next month pocket money. And we will draw a line. She is upset that's upset me. And also at being found out I think.

Thanks you again

You can't tell an 18 year old what they can do with their own body not even if you give them pocket money

Sounds like you’ve resolved it well. Good for you, op.

You are being ridiculous. She is an adult so punishing her is non concept. I also think it us entirely up to her what she does with her own body. You need to start getting used to the fact that she is now a grown up.

Pocket money?? You really need to rethink this.

She’s 18, you’re being ridiculous. It’s a piercing.
mot’s not like it’s a huge facial tattoo!

While I probably wouldn’t be too bothered about the nose ring I would not be happy about the lying.
I would give her another opportunity as I always prefer to give mine an exit route and then consider consequences if she continues to lie

You sound bonkers.

My DD isn't allowed her ears pierced until she's going into first year, so around about 11/12..

But at 18 I had my nose, tongue and tattoos done.

Pretty sure my mum came with me for some of them. Naice, middle class upbringing.

Don't alienate your adult daughter over something so trivial, and stop being controlling.

She’s 18. Not much you can do. You could try stopping her money but really she’s an adult