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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Passive and incurious DSS

6 replies

dobbinsleftleg · 08/08/2022 11:11

Asking a query for my DH about DSS, as I don't have kids of my own and its a long time since my own teenage years!

DSS is 17 - he's been no trouble to anyone, ie no teenage rebellion (so far). DH is worrying about him because he's coasting at school and underperforming in exams, and doesn't seem to know what he wants to do when he leaves school - his grades aren't good enough to go to Uni even though he's clever enough and has expressed his intent in the past. He doesn't seem to grasp that pretty soon he's going to need to go out into the world and stand on his own two feet. He's a great kid but lives in his own bubble. He's incurious about the world around him, doesn't have any interests other than gaming and seems very passive about life choices in general. This is nothing new, he's always been like this but we'd kind of assumed he'd start wising up by now.

Basically - is this still normal at 17, or is there anything we can be doing to light a fire under his arse encourage him along? He gets levered out of bed by 11.30am during weekends and holidays, even if all he does then is sit on the sofa and play youtube videos. We get him to cook basic dishes for tea every now and again, DH does the blunt "shower and wear deodorant for the sake of everyone in the house" talks. Over the years we've been encouraging when he's shown the start of an interest (eg scouting) but they've all faded away fairly fast. There's been nothing new for years now.

OP posts:
ivejustgotthis · 08/08/2022 20:22

Hi, just bumping for you, I don't have a17 year old yet but this sounds sort of normal, at least no major problems, I suppose they will work it out all of a sudden when they need cash/housing/prospects! Obviously anyone would suggest 'ND?' but if they are not struggling exactly they may just be a late starter (which is also an ND thing, but may not need a label if they sort themselves out in the end).

dobbinsleftleg · 08/08/2022 22:22

He's not ND as far as any of us know - however, I've now been having a google and a rummage around a few websites and he seems to tick a lot of the boxes for inattentive form of ADHD. There's a lot of overlap with typical teenage behaviour, but it could explain the wandering round in his own world and being surprised by life. Ack, now to try and approach with DH, wish me luck.

OP posts:
ivejustgotthis · 08/08/2022 22:53

I do wish you luck! Some take longer to work it all out 🤞

lifesrichpageant · 09/08/2022 03:18

I dont have a 17 year old but I have worked with teens and nothing you say is a massive red flag - sounds like a mellow guy and possibly a late bloomer? Particularly the part about him "always being like this", ie this isn't a sudden/drastic shift in personality/temperament. Give him water and sunlight and hopefully he'll grow :-) - good luck

WTF475878237NC · 09/08/2022 03:25

Sounds very normal in context (ie no change in him). I would probably talk to him about needing to think about what next rather than what for life. The concept of "knowing what you want to do" is unhelpful when the old jobs for life doesn't exist now. Plus it can be liberating and less pressure to suggest thinking in terms of interests and values guiding decisions for a couple of years rather than decades at 17/18.

If he's still gaming with no plans after education is done then I'd start with a minimum wage job and having to contribute to the household and see how things go.

SpiderVersed · 09/08/2022 03:34

Sounds pretty normal for a 17yo

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