Help!

[bellomar]

I have a 16 yr old son who in the outside works is a dream. Very bright, doing really well in his A levels, has a part time job where his employees tell me how invaluable he is due to his manners and friendly nature etc. He has a lovely girlfriend too.

At home though I find it so difficult to get along with him, as does his step dad. (Although I actually think he gets on better with step dad than me a lot of the time!!) His step dad has been in his life since he was 4 yrs old.

In many ways, he's just a normal teenager- rude, unhelpful, lazy, extremely demanding

He's also like this at his dads (his sister tells me) He stays at his dad s regularly .
I've spoken to his dad who says he has the same issues but it's not such an issue for him as he's not with him
As much.

And I know I react badly to it which doesn't help. I'm very emotional.

But I feel it's really affecting our relationship! Last night we had a huge row, which ended with me in tears and my son sending me a series of text messages which were really upsetting.

My husband, who is a very supportive husband and stepdad, says we really need some kind of outside help.

He was thinking of family mediation. But after looking it up this morning, it seems that that is more for couples who are breaking up and sorting out access etc.

So would it be family therapy? I'm not sure it's therapy we are looking for . Any advice greatly appreciated.

Hate to say it but strap in for the ride! Teenagers are so tricky. It sounds like you have done a great job with him and he is functioning well in the outside world. If you look at it in another way he feels safe at home to express his frustrations and upset as he knows he is loved. Sometimes they find being great outside of the house a strain. They are also feeling their feet at becoming independent.

I don't know what the answer is but he needs to know what is acceptable in your home and he needs to understand how much he has hurt you. This needs to be done when he is calm though.

Good luck. They do come out the other side as quite nice human beings.

i think you need to concentrate on yourself here - he’s being objectionable, possibly cruel, but as a teen to some degree that’s his remit and as every other aspect of his life seems to function, he’ll probably grow out of it.

possibly try and grit your teeth and ignore. He can’t affect you if you choose not to give him the power to. Try and focus on this being a temporary state of affairs (as so many stages of parenting are) and pay some attention to yourself, giving yourself the love and support you’d give to a family member experiencing this.
Treat yourself - identify some activities you’d like to pursue and go for them. If you’re happier in yourself then he’ll be able to hurt you less.
let him take a back seat in your life for a while.
💐

Thank you both for your advice. Has given me food for thought!

I have sent you a PM.

I don't know how to access private messages on here?!

We’re just at the start of the teenage rollercoaster ride and it’s already feeling tough. I think if everything is going well outside of the home then a lot of what you’ve described in your post will be greatly mitigated by you reframing things in your mind and adapting your reactions. It takes two to have a row and (after a session with my counsellor that I hadn’t spoken to for years , where I downloaded all my angst about it) now I just don’t take play the part I was playing in the rows. If he start getting rude, I busy myself with something else. If I do talk to him in those moments then I keep calm and factual and never reference my emotional response. I leave him to deal with his emotions on his own more and stop merging my emotions as much with his. I do sometimes tell him that I’m not sure where he picked up the message that it’s ok to speak to someone that way in this family and that he sometimes treats people (siblings, friends, acquaintances as well) in ways he would hate to be treated himself. It’s really calmed things down. I still feel agitated inside (and almost mourn the child who used to snuggle and adore me!) but I don’t pick up the hook and engage in the emotional ping pong. It’s really improved how I feel about it all. Also when he gets grumpier, rather than speaking to him about it, we watch a film together that is too old a rating for the younger kids after they’ve gone go bed and that works like magic & gets us reconnecting for a couple of weeks, then it peters out and I start thinking about the next film.

PMs. Top right where i says 'My Mumsnet'.

Gist was if you are willing to spend a bit of money you could try this lady www.lorrainelee.org/ we saw her in person for DD1 and it helped de-escalate things, but she may well now do remote sessions. her workshops are good too.