Angry teenager

[Whereisthegin1978]

Hi, I just want to know what others would do in this situation. I’m really struggling. My 14 year old daughter had a big outburst yesterday after my husband grounded her for being rude. She’s been striving for independence recently which has resulted in her not answering her phone when we call and not wanting to agree times to being picked up etc.

After grounding her yesterday she locked herself in her bathroom and refused to come out. She talked to me through the door but has had some times of really yelling and shouting. She’s really loud, and the anger in her voice is horrible to hear.

im feeling anxious about her waking up today and it starting again as when I spoke to her again last night before bed she was still angry. Whenever she hears me coming she goes straight to lock herself in her bathroom.

hiw do other people deal with the shouting & pro prolonged anger. I’m staying calm but whenever she seems calm and I try and talk to her she starts shouting again. I just don’t know when she’s going to be in a place to talk calmly.

I feel a small issue has been made big.

You ask what others would do… I have always endeavoured to avoid conflict with my teens unless it’s absolutely necessary.
they then know that if I say no, it’s generally for a bloody good reason.

at 14 though you might be at the beginning of your journey… in my experience grounding/punishing/yelling etc is all counter productive and ultimately don’t achieve the behaviour you want. It also leads to a stressful environment which no one benefits from.

As you say she’s obviously striving for more independence. The trick is to achieve that to a degree you’re both happy with. You and your dh will have to compromise - she will as well but she’s used to that, you may not be.

Ignore shouting and rudeness if she resorts to them for any reason, and calmly walk away. It’s difficult, but if she sees that the way to achieve what she wants is through civil means then she should try to moderate her behaviour, but this will take time as her hormones will drive her to impulsivity so you can help her by not reacting to it.

it’s the way you communicate with her now, and demonstrate your respect for her, that will set the scene for the next few years.

id take her out for lunch/shopping and have a good chat. I’d find out what she’d like and how she feels and what her hopes and fears are. I’d give her some small, easily achievable tasks to prove her maturity and level of responsibility. With success comes confidence, and you and she can build on both.

very soon you’re going to lose all control over her anyway - the idea now is to help her develop behaviour that will keep her safe whilst she grows up and goes out into the world.

Unless there's something in the bathroom you are worried she'll hurt herself with I'd just leave her in there to stew. Ignore the shouting and rudeness, when she is cross and the red mist has come down there will be no reasoning with her.
She will come round.

Pick your battles and the things that are really important to you. My DS was grounded for ignoring messages and his phone when I wanted him to come home, this was a battle which was important to me. Give a time limit on the grounding though so they can see an end to it. The next time he went out I got plenty of updates as to what he was doing and I don't think he'll do that again!

Teenagers are bloody hard work!

Just leave her in the bathroom, enjoy the peace!

And when she comes out, if she's still angry can you put squirty cream in her mouth and see if that works? Seems to work with toddlers?

Sorry no help I know .... teenagers are the worst part of parenting.

It seems to me that at that age onward we are really parenting by consent.

You have limited leverage (paying for phone, lifts, pocket money). So it becomes more about getting them to understand eg you worry, you get too tired of out late picking them up, etc.

We lowered expectations to reduce conflict with DD1 (issues started when she went to college soon after turning 16).

I haven't really any good suggestions though.

mine started doing this at the same age and it was awful as it felt like an overnight change. Everyone has given you great advice especially - give a little more independence but only as much as you and your husband are happy with else things can very quickly go south. Think I got too angry with the extreme rudeness as it was incomprehensible to me that you could talk to a parent that way and it didn’t help at all. I would have been better to have kept the boundary or at”east the expectation of a boundary and then walked away.
Parenting some teens is so tough

I could have written that post myself about DD around that age. At one point we didn’t speak for an entire week after a particularly bad argument after which she locked herself in her bedroom all weekend. Things like grounding her and taking her phone away just made things worse and the situation more hostile. Echoing other posters, the only solution for us was to reduce our expectations and choose our battles. Basically as much as possible I left her to her own devices, things like homework etc I stopped nagging at her to do it and let her learn the consequences of not doing it (disappointing her teachers, slipping grades) for herself.

I can confirm she grew out of it around 16 so there is hope OP! I now have a rather pleasant (most of the time) 18 year old who I genuinely enjoy spending time with. Our relationship nowadays is more like really good friends, a sharp contrast to the daily hell a few years ago! Come to think of it I can’t even remember the last time we argued so I promise it does get better xx

Stop talking about it, move on. It’s the best way with mine.

Stop trying to force her to talk about it. It isn't helping. Ignore any rudeness and carry on. When everything has calmed down after a few days, then talk about boundaries, expectations, and consequences. If she wants to be treated like a grown up, she will need to act like one and that begins with her earning trust back.

I agree with leaving her in bathroom.

Right now it's getting her what she wants. You keep running to her.

I'd simply tell her if she wants the responsibility she says she's ready for she has to start by showing you can can deal with conflict resolution and be a grown up and discuss matters.

With freedom comes responsibility