Help!!!!!!

[noddyholder]

My ds is 13 and is a typical teenager but is a nice boy.He has never really done much arouind the house and I have in the last year been trying to get him to do basic things which he rarely does.This week dp and I ahd a chat with him and told him he had to clean his room and toilet every saturday otherwise he couldn't go out.He was fine with this.Today he took the hoover up and dp and I nipped out for 5 mins and when we came back he had literally pulled the bedcover over and gone out.he had left his breakfast stuff in the living room and tv on!I called his mobile told him to come back and he hung up on me.Called him again and he said he was on the bus and wouldn't come homeand just laughed.He hung up on me twice so I said he is grounded What else can I do?He gets £30 a month and I think he should at least do something for it Should I stop the direct debit and only give him pocket money in cash if he has done his jobs?Nightmare!

Ignore him for now. Make a list of the really important ground rules, on which his financial status depends, then sit down as a family and calmly go through them. Be prepared to listen, but make sure that everyone agrees the rules and expectations.

I went so far as to get ds1 to sign a contract .

From the age of about 14/15 mine have been responsible for their own rooms, and their washing and ironing. If the room is a tip I close the door on it. If they leave their mess downstairs it is placed in a bin bag and put IN their bed.

If they do their bit, I will make their meals and give them lifts. If they don't I don't. I work F/T and I am not running a hotel.

They are lovely now - still the occasional disagreement, but TBH 14 - 17 is the worst bit.

I do all washing cooking organising etc.He does very little in fact nothing and this is the first time dp and I have decided he needs to help and look at the row it has caused .This does need to change he laughs if we say he has to wash up etc but this has been a real eye opener today and the easy ride is over for him for his own good.

Turned into Kevin has he noddy? Bless.

Agree with no nagging and stepping back for the moment.

Make it clear that he's grounded and what grounding means - he's probably got a completely different idea on that front. And make it clear if the grounding is for the laughing and phone stuff. Loss of income for the lack of chores.

Money should be earned but I'm a lot like littlefrogs - I don't nag about their rooms - it's their space and if it's a pigsty it's up to them. I don't collect cups or washing. Set the tasks required in return for cash - no chores no money.

He knows that if he doesn't clean his room up once a week no cash.I never go in there and don't expect it to be spotless just a weekly clear out of rubbish and stinky socks.Grounding is for putting the phone down and general disrespect

noddy hows things today?

did you manage to chat to your ds and decide on punishment etc?

hope it went ok

things have cooled down.He is grounded every day after school this week and has to do his room properly every saturday before he disappears for the day.He will then get his pocket money and when he shows he has learned from this I will reinstate teh direct debit.He is sooooooo annoying atm but am trying to stay calm

My 15yr old gets her pocket money only when she has earned it.
She doesnt want to clean her room or help around the house or gives me too much bad attitude her money gets riduced accordingly.
same as her privilages.

& I use the same mothod for praise as well..
if she has done her chores for a month and I have not had to chase her too much over them then she gets to have a friend over for the weekend/or go to the cinema and so forth.

I don't see anything wrong in making them understand that thier actions result in consequences.

also she knows that if she wants to push me too far in the end she is punishing herself cos she doesnt get the things she wants.

My advice to you would be stop the direct debit and make him earn the money... becouse when he goes out to work and so forth he wont be getting paid for doing nothing or laughing in peoples faces, and I think it is a good lesson in life to learn.
it certainly helped me when my own Mum did the same to me when I was a Teenager.

I found that physically removing his PS2 and GBA did wonders, as did unplugging the computer and removing the adapter (we are posted abroad with the Armed Forces).

I would not do a DD for pocket money -when asked why at the bank, I pointed out I couldn't stop pocket money if I needed to.

My lad is 12, and has to keep the loos stocked with toilet rolls; to clear the table after each meal; clear his room before the cleaner comes each week; and be pleasant most of the time. He is not allowed to moan when food shopping, and has to help put it away. For this he gets ?20.00 per month. I pay for clothes, lunch at school etc.

I am lucky in that I have said if he is not pleasant and does not help out, then he will be sent back to boarding school in the UK. This also encourages him to keep his work up at school, as he does not want to board.

I sound horrible, but it works, and for the most part he is lovely and fun to live with. He morphs into Kevin occasionally, but realises he is doing it and stops.

Embarrassing your lad in front of his friends will work, and he won't be scarred for life. It's a technique my mum used, and it worked on me. If he's 13, he's finding his feet and pushing his luck. Push back equally hard and show him who's boss - he'll get the message - he gets it in school hopefully, he should understand it at home.

Oh Scaryteacher, you do live up to your name

I know I am probably too soft but threatening to send back to UK to board,for not being pleasant and not helping out, sounds a bit harsh!

I couldn't be that strict!I have said my bit and that seems to have worked so far.Teenagers are really all testing the boundaries and tbh when he was 12 he was much easier and now he is nearly 14 it is completely different.But I am trying not to have too many rules because it is me who doesn't stick to them!

Pimmpom, it may sound harsh, but it works. He has been so unpleasant at times, and has a nasty temper, that I decided I couldn't put up with it. I kicked in my job (teaching teenagers!) and moved so that we could have a family life again after two years with my husband being abroad, and us being in Cornwall..6 weeking is no fun...and the deal was that if he didn't want to board, he had to shake down and help out, as I wasn't proposing to swap paid employment as a teacher to being a skivvy for him.

I also have to be firm with him as he thinks he can get away with murder, and as I was dealing with him practically on my own for two years; it was important that we established ground rules early on, and that he knows who is boss. It's not harsh, it's knowing what the rules are, and the consequences if you don't play by them. Having rights/privileges brings responsibilities..if he wants the nice things he gets, and to live the lifestyle he does, then he has to play by the rules.