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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

The right thing to do ?

26 replies

Highlandmum1 · 31/07/2022 10:05

My 17 year old daughter does nothing but hide in her room , her sister lives with thier dad and we have 3 other children in the house , I try to get her to join in but she never wants to , she hardly says a word to us .The other day I noticed self harm marks on her leg and when I asked all I got was I don't do it anymore I was in a bad place, I do try and communicate with her but she has no interest in communication with me, she has a job and works.hard at school so I can't complained there but she has got so lazy helping in the house to , today I asked for help with hovering 3 times and in the end she.said I don't really want to so I took her phone from her which i have never done, I'm scared that her not talk will cause more issues but sick of been a door mat in my own home. Any advise ? I can't spk to her dad as we don't get on. All my partner want to do is support me and he trys his best with her to but she doesn't respond to him either.

OP posts:
crossstitchingnana · 31/07/2022 10:22

Don't punish her, please. Be there for her, love bomb her. Ask her to join you, even if she doesn't. So kind things. Leave notes.

My dd was like this at the same age and is now 100% and has friends, boyfriend and job. At 17 she was 7.5 stone, depressed and lived in her room. I did all the above, but it's hard. Especially as mine was surly and rude to boot.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 10:25

You took her phone? She works so presumably she pays for it? You can’t take that and speaks volumes about the relationship that you would.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 10:26

How long has your partner lived with you? How does she get on with him and the other two children?

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 10:27

I’m wondering if she’s “hiding” in her room so as not to be with your partner and his children.

why did your young daughter decide to live with her father?

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/07/2022 10:30

It doesn’t sound like you are a doormat in your own home though? Obviously she should be helping but presumably if she stays in her room she isn’t creating much mess either.

I wouldn’t have a battle over housework right now, and I wouldn’t confiscate her phone. focus on making her feel as loved as possible, and what I would also try and do is get her to agree to see a school counsellor so you know she has someone to talk to.

Bubbafly · 31/07/2022 10:30

Jesus don’t take her phone. That is her only outlet to the outside world. I agree with the poster above..love bomb her. She is clearly suffering .

LynetteScavo · 31/07/2022 10:31

If she has a part time job and is doing OK at school, I would go easy on the house work. It's not worth the potential fights. If she's made a mess in the kitchen or bathroom, then yes she needs to clean up after herself, but fighting over chores with a child
whiis obviously already very unhappy and not keen to speak with you won't build in your relationship. Taking her phone off her is only going to cause more issues than it will solve.

What is your main issue, that she spends most of her time
in her room?

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 10:32

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/07/2022 10:30

It doesn’t sound like you are a doormat in your own home though? Obviously she should be helping but presumably if she stays in her room she isn’t creating much mess either.

I wouldn’t have a battle over housework right now, and I wouldn’t confiscate her phone. focus on making her feel as loved as possible, and what I would also try and do is get her to agree to see a school counsellor so you know she has someone to talk to.

Battle over homework?
she works hard at school and no mention of homework

user1487194234 · 31/07/2022 10:32

Cannot believe you took her phone
Can you try doing things just with her

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 10:33

I can’t imagine discovering my daughter is self harming, combined with fact she “hides” in her room and doing some serious bloody investigating into why? Supporting? Loving? Getting help.

but no. You focus on vacuuming and taking her phone from her.

cookiecreammmpie · 31/07/2022 10:34

Give her the phone back. She's too old to be punished in this way and it's going to isolate her more. I get why you're frustrated with her not helping you out but considering she's been self harming and sitting in her room alone ,suggests she's really suffering. Make her a GP appointment and encourage her to go.

Forgetaboutme · 31/07/2022 10:40

Anything you can do just the 2 of you? I don't know the age of the other children but if they are younger they are likely to have different interests from a 17 YO. Take her shopping or to see a movie etc. She's maybe more likely to open up if she can get some time alone.

Branster · 31/07/2022 10:41

If she spends all the time in her room, surely she has not contributed much to dirty floors herself.
Let her be, she doesn't have to clean up after the other children and your DP.
Work on building a closer emotional link with her so that she wants to help with cleaning because she wants to help you.
Be kind and veeeery patient with her.
She probably doesn't like the blended family setup one bit but is stuck here.

ldontWanna · 31/07/2022 10:52

So you have a kid that hides in her room,self harms,is separated from her sister, has to live with your partner and his kids and you're mithering on about hoovering and punishing her because she won't do it?

She needs help,support and love not this bs.

Out of curiosity how much hoovering/chores do your partner and his kids do?

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 10:53

Op won’t be back

i suspect the partner and his three kids are new
i suspect the younger daughter couldn’t hack it and moved in with her father
i suspect the 17 year old is very very unhappy and hates the living situation

Original poster
Highlandmum1 · 31/07/2022 12:00

I pay for her mobile phone, would never take something she pays for.

OP posts:
Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 12:00

Highlandmum1 · 31/07/2022 12:00

I pay for her mobile phone, would never take something she pays for.

Good lord

you focus on that

FFS

Original poster
Highlandmum1 · 31/07/2022 12:01

We have all lived together for 6 year , some issues as to be expected with mixed families but nothing major

OP posts:
Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 12:02

Have you done anything since “noticing” self harm a few days ago

why did your youngest move out?

shes gone from loving with you. To living with a man and his three children. Carnage

LynetteScavo · 31/07/2022 12:39

I don't think laying into the OP without actually offering any advice on what to do is very kind or helpful.

OP- give the phone back. Give your DD a hug (if she'll let you) ask if there's anywhere she would like to go just the two of you - shopping, a museum? (With my DD I pretend I really want to go somewhere but say I don't have anyone to go with, and ask her if she'll come with me to do me a favour- she often ends up having a great day out rather than just being in her room).

You need to get her help for the self harming. Just because she's not doing it today doesn't mean she won't again if she's struggling. She needs strategies so she can cope with difficult times without harming herself.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 14:56

@LynetteScavo

based on the op

she noticed her teen daughter has been self harming but makes no reference to doing anything about it whatsoever.

This teen daughter living with the OP’s partner and his three children, her own sister having moved out. She now “hides” in her room. The op expresses no concern about this.

Instead starts a thread about the above clearly suffering teen not vacuuming and then punishing her by taking her phone.

so simply on the facts presented, I feel very very sorry for this girl

LynetteScavo · 31/07/2022 16:31

@Happyandyouknowit82. so simply on the facts presented, I feel very very sorry for this girl

Absolutely! But you've posted about 8 times without actually offering the OP any advice on what she should, or could, do to help her DD. The OP is obviously very lost about what to do and has reached out to an Internet forum. It's all very well feeling sorry for the girl, but just telling the OP she's making a mess, without explaining what she should be doing, isn't going to help the child much.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 01/08/2022 07:03

@LynetteScavo

some posters, such as yourself, have given full responses giving advice to the OP and posed questions to try and take the discussion further.

It has been roundly ignored by the OP. Instead she has only come back to confirm that she pays for the mobile so therefore thinks she presumably has a right to take it from her daughter.

So no “advice” from me. I just hope that this poor girl continues to work hard at school and can soon move out.

Squashnewbie · 01/08/2022 08:36

I think I’m reading this very differently to a lot of you but I feel there are a lot of harsh responses to OP here
Also for those criticising OP- isn’t it ‘normal’ for teens to spend a lot of time ‘hiding’ in their room?
Doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do, especially if she’s feeling depressed and self harming
She probably needs coaxing out of her room to get a bit involved in family life. Some good suggestions here, like going for a movie together, shopping. BUT, doing some chores to contribute in the household and respecting family rules is also important. Research shows this is important in building self esteem in teens and young adults

Whitehorsegirl · 01/08/2022 09:21

Seriously? you are worried about her not hoovering when you have a kid who is self-harming and is isolating herself most of the time in her room? I think you need to re-assess your priorities.

She might be bullied, depressed or something might have happened to her that you are not aware about. We don't know why her sister chose to live with her father and not you and there might be an issue there. Does your daughter miss her sister? feels like an outsider in your home? does she not get on with your new partner?

You need to be more pro-active at trying to support her and find out what is really going on. Taking her phone is pointless and if she is being bullied for example it could also be dangerous (preventing her from calling for help if needed).

Have you spoken to the school? to her place of work? have you tried to arrange counselling for her so she can speak to someone who is not part of the family if she does not feel she can open up to you?

There are a lot of possibilities here and you actually need to do something about this and make helping her your priority.

Focusing on whether she cleaning the carpet or not is not going to help your child...hence why you are getting some rather concerned & sharp replies in this thread.