Annual birthday worries DD 13

[parrotonmyshoulder]

Summer holiday birthday. DD upset every year because she doesn’t know what she wants to do. Wants to do something (wants to feel special I think, understandably, but doesn’t admit that). Often it’s been difficult as friends are away. Doesn’t like parties although had a few when little. Sometimes we’ve been away on holiday on her birthday but she hates that. This year we’ll be home.

She clearly wants me to do something, or help her arrange something, but won’t suggest anything and dislikes all my ideas. I am entirely happy with nothing, something, family, friend(s), whatever. But I am struggling. She has had a very difficult two years but is now happier in a new school with a few friends. She claims they won’t want to do any of the things she might like, or anything I can think of!

I’m not expecting answers as I’m sure nobody will come up with anything she’ll like. Just need solidarity!

She likes: reading, writing, baking, the sea

dislikes: talking about books, anyone reading her writing, baking with other people

Aha, you're parenting my sister (2006-2016, specifically). Perpetually dissatisfied about her birthday, but completely opposed to engaging with anyone to get the sort of day she wanted. Every single year my parents would bend over backwards for her, and every year she'd spend hours of the day sulking because some aspect of it wasn't right. She never told us in advance how she wanted it to be, and was furious when we then didn't read her mind. She grew out of it by the time she was about 24.

How about she texts her friends seeing if anyone would be up for a cinema trip?

How about a mum-and-daughter baking class? I did one with a few friends last year, it was great fun. Or something involving the sea - jet-skiing, sea kayaking, a banana boat trip?

My dd loved an animal experience at a small zoo….. meercats etc.
walking with alpacas? Pottery making?

This is me, and my 16yo, we are autistic.

After years of stress for him, now i organise a small get together at home with family and friends on a sat afternoon and he can dip in and out of it, gets to feel special, sees people, gets a cake etc but can retreat to his room if he needs. There are some family friends his own age in the group- though he is always welcome to invite others, he chooses not to usually. We also do presents every day leading up to his birthday rather than all at once, and he doesnt have to open them in front of people if he doesnt want to.

Low key, no pressure but a nice effort made.

But she grew out of it? There’s hope?

Thanks for suggestions. I’ve never been able to find a baking class locally but it’s a good idea. She doesn’t like the cinema but I’ve suggested she meets a friend in nearby city for a wander (we’re very rural so that’s a rare occurrence ).
A day at the beach with favourite picnic food would be okay but I fear mollicous is right with her prediction that I’m on a hiding to nothing.

I have my own unprocessed birthday shit going on that five years of counselling hasn’t got to yet, so I know this is tied up with that. Genetically transmitted trauma…

Two of mine had summer birthdays and we always celebrated while school was still on. That meant friends were still around. It's harder to contact friends once they break up and then she can start to doubt herself thinking they won't want to come.
At that age dd loved to go out for pizza/ food with a bunch of friends. Felt grown up going by themselves.

Could you drop her and a couple of friends in town with money for lunch? You could arrange to meet them afterwards to take them home.
This is basically what my ds did for his 13th birthday.

My DD has a summer holiday birthday too so I feel your pain about trying to arrange anything with other people. Add into the mix, the teenage awkward years and it's a nightmare.

My DD likes board games so she has invited 4 friends for a games night and ordering pizza. Sorted.

Other suggestions could be;

A spa day just you two? Facial and nails done or a massage and swim (I would love this, my DD not so much!)

Shopping trip and lunch out

Afternoon tea with a couple of friends?

Similar issues here, daughter is a year younger than yours. After many tears, hers and mine! We agreed a mum and daughter afternoon out and then a movie night with 3 friends. I’ve got them all matching pjs, fluffy socks, face masks. Popcorn, ice cream, tonnes of snacks, and pizza. If she cries after this I give up :(

My daughter loved doing a escape room. Lots of fun, can do it with family or 1 adult and her friends. Usually about 6 people. Some offer birthday person free.

what about a shopping trip and lunch?