Do you make them come out of their room?

[daffodilandtulip]

16 & 13 yo. They just live in their bedrooms. Mostly on screens, also reading, watching tv and chatting to friends. I've read about cocooning and how they need their space to develop, but I just don't know how much is too much.

They literally come out for school and meals. Meals can't go quick enough, before they are running back upstairs. Talking to me is a massive chore.

Is this normal, do you let them, or do you force family time - but wouldn't this just be miserable if it was forced?

I do sometimes, yes, with caveats. Mine are 18, 16 & 12, the older two both have jobs, so less so now with them.

Firstly, I encourage in person socialising with friends and will fund it/help arrange/host. I think they’ve lost it as a skill and need help rebuilding

Secondly, we have the occasional three line whip on family film night - everyone complains bitterly about this but secretly enjoys it. I provide sweets/ice cream and I let them choose the film. It works though because there is no talking.

Thirdly, I try to encourage everyone to leave the house most days in the summer, just for a bit. A walk to our local Tesco & back will suffice. I’m not super strict on this.

Fourthly, days out. Notified in advance and planned with them in mind. Do I enjoy the zoo? No, but the 12yo does. We have season passes and do half days, which suits his desire to stay in his room and mine to do something.

Finally, not for everyone, but I still read to the youngest every night. It is a pleasure now that we enjoy similar sorts of books.

They do come out the other side. My 18yo works full time and likes to give me a full debrief of his day when he gets home, which can be a mixed blessing, but it’s nice he wants to talk to us.

Oh, we also have a group chat on Instagram for funny videos. I know the older two have a separate one for things that might offend my delicate sensibilities.

Hope some of this is helpful. Parenting teenagers can feel quite isolating.

Reason I found mn, years ago was because I was googling for advice as my youngest teenage son just wouldn't leave his room. It's a common phenomenon. Usually, if they have a good foundation and know that you love them, eventually, teenagers turn human again. X

This was me in the early 1980s (ie pre internet!). My room was MY personal space - I had a radio & a load of books, and didn't need anything else. Certainly didn't want to be hanging around with family. So I'd say, completely normal.

Love this @autumnboys Will pinch a few of those ideas.

Yes but with red lines like visiting nanna, everyone finishes before you can leave the table and you must sit and chat about your day before going upstairs

My 15 & 13 do stay down a lot and we get to chat but my 18 year old daughter spends a lot of time in her room and work. She comes down stairs for food or to play music for few minutes and then back up again.

DD13 spends a lot of time in her room. She has complex issues though so we don’t push it for her to come out. She’s been school refusing & since we were told we wouldn’t get prosecuted, she’s like a different kid & will actually sit downstairs with us. We always keep the lines of communication open ( texting her even though she’s only upstairs) & she knows she can talk about anything if she feels comfortable. The pandemic had a huge effect on kids’ mental health & I think we have to give them time & space to come out the other side. I connect with DD most in the car when she puts her music on. It’s lovely.

Some fabulous ideas there @autumnboys

Nice to know it's "normal"... and yes we do need to remember the added problems from lockdown.

My kids are 15 and 13, 15 yo has ASD, ADHD and mental health issues. 13yo has increased anxiety since lockdown.
They do spend quite a lot of time in their rooms, but their phones automatically lock at 9pm on a weekday (later on a weekend,) so they come downstairs and watch tv with us, or in the summer time if we're sitting outside they might play cards or chat and listen to music with us.
It's taken me a long time to cultivate a good relationship with DD15 as we butted heads a lot pre-diagnosis, so I'm trying my hardest to maintain that as she gets older.

I make dd1 18 come down, mainly to help cook dinners or to watch something in tv together, during the holidays I try and get them out the house for fresh air once a day. Both my DD’s are autistic but dd2 more severe, she spends more time downstairs but there are times where she spends a lot of time in her room.

One of them is 16? What is their plan for the future? Uni?, apprenticeship? Work?

They have 2 years.... Have they been learning to cook, clean, do laundry, unblock a drain, shop, budget etc... mine got busy with life skills at that age (20 and 21 now) so they can live independently at uni.
What chores do they do? How many meals do they cook or help with? does the 16 year old have a part time job? Do they have clubs or sports? What do they do for exercise outdoors?

To be honest I read a lot of "they are in their room" on mumsnet, mine spent some time alone, but had to do the rest of it too, they don't get to check out of home life for too long, or it becomes a habit for life.

I never made them come out, I just tried to create conditions in which they didn't want to be closeted away alone all the time. Both went through phases of spending more time in their rooms - DS1 would get very hyperfocused on a project he was doing, DS2 would get heavily into a Playstation game for a bit, etc - and I didn't guilt-trip them or make them feel uncomfortable about it, I just tried to have strategies for making alternatives more attractive to them, IYSWIM. These included:

allowing them to do the things downstairs that they would otherwise do in their rooms; no carping about being on phones or spreading their stuff around, the living and dining rooms are their space as much as ours and they're allowed to be comfortable and do their own thing. DS1 in particular likes silent, undemanding company when he's deeply into something, but he'll retreat to his room if he thinks he's disturbing or distracting someone. DS2 will come and flop out on the sofa for a couple of hours eating snacks in his underpants - if I had rules about how he conducted himself, he'd take them upstairs.

We had family movie nights and family game nights when they were 11 to around 17, they weren't compulsory, but we took turns to choose the movie/game and nobody was allowed to veto anyone else's choice, so everybody wanted it to be their turn. We made popcorn and bought in the favourite sweets/junk (we call it grot) of the person whose choice it was.

We also did themed dinners for things like Eurovision, election night, US election night, which they used to get very excited about when they were littler, so it was easy to continue as they became teenagers. They'd both enjoy stuff like making Boston cream pie and sliders for American election night, and going shopping for European delicacies for Eurovision. Twee as fuck, yes, but I make no apologies. Same goes for Halloween and Easter and every other excuse to get all of us together and have a feast and spend time together.

With all that said - I don't think some time spent alone in their rooms is anything to panic about. They're busy while they're up there, socialising with their friends online and doing stuff that matters to them. I never had a real problem with ours shutting themselves away and not communicating though. I think we were lucky, and a lot depends on the kids you have and the friends they've made etc.

DSs 18 and 16, spend a lot of time in their rooms, tho older DS does it less these days (p/t job, drives, out with friends).
Every evening we have a family dinner, they help prep and clear up, they join in with family stuff and on holidays we're together 24/7 enjoying activities and each others company.
They're helpful, sociable and polite so yeah, if they want to spend time in their room (as I did in the 80s/90s as a teenager) then it's not a problem. We all need our space, right?

They both attend clubs 3 evenings a week, linked to their planned careers. 16yo has a summer/weekend job, is going to college in Sept and plans for uni. Like pp said though, I'm worried that 13yo is heading down a slippery slope of checking out of life.

It was me early 2010s 😁 Also had my CD Player and lots of books and didn't want for anything else

I make mine eat with us, if they want to eat mega-fast then disappear that's fine. I also make them do one thing at the weekend, even if it's just an hour round the park or helping me carry shopping at Tesco. Sometimes once they're out they find they're having fun and they hang around longer, sometimes not.

So no "wet" food upstairs, packet of crisps or sweets ok but no meals in rooms. I have always given them a lot of lifts, you get a lot out of them in the passenger seat. Also both need to do sport. Apart from that anything goes really, DS is 18 and starting to spend more time with us by choice.

They get out of the house at least, so not just room and eating. I guess the 13 year old just needs reminding that they don't get to check out of life and stuff needs doing around the house sometimes.
Cooking was the one that got my kids "involved" in family life. Got them to help with prep, making pizzas etc, with their own choice of toppings and went from there.

Mine spend a lot of time in their rooms. They’ll come down to talk to me for an hour or two when there’s something specific they want to talk about (ranges from how their days been to asking for ideas about a charity project they were doing to stressing about exam results to discussing sixth form choices or holiday plans). I’ll also grab one or the other to help me carry shopping/ walk the dogs once or twice a week each, which is chance to catch up. DS16 will play computer games with DH, DD15 will go window shopping with me. Both will happily go to the cinema/ out for dinner/ bowling/ climbing. DD will also go trampolining/ the fair. DS is happy to drive out to the countryside for a walk (DD grudgingly comes too!). Otherwise, yes, they’re in their rooms. Or in DD’s case, out with friends most days.
DS is recently starting to re-emerge more and more frequently (he’s nearly 17)