Anyone else got teenage tantrums AND toddlers?

[MightySquonk]

Am getting a bit concerned that dd1's teenage tantrums are being copies by the two littlies.

It's one thing having a (nearly) 14 yo yelling at me, I can handle that and sort of deal with it okay, but when her little sister sees and then SHE yells at me in the same way the next day, that's totally not on.

Have tried asking dd1 to control herself when her sibs are around, to no avail and have tried talking to dd2 and trying to explain why this is not acceptable, again this doesn't seem to work.

Dd2 is getting the impression that the correct way to ask for something in our house is to YELL AT MOTHER!

any ideas?

copied not copies

DS (13) only yelled at me once and he got sent to his room by his dad (of whom he is in awe), and grounded from a party that night.

It's no wonder your toddlers are copying your dd.

I think you need to talk to her to tell her how rude and unacceptable to have any members of the family yelling at each other and try to find a way to communicate without her losing her temper.

How about sitting down with her at a calm time, and agreeing the rules for communication, eg that if she asks you for something and you refuse, that she's allowed 5 minutes of talking to you without you interrupting to try to persuade you why she needs money/to stay out late/whatever, and you're allowed 5 mins uninterrupted time to explain why she can't have it (tho' she may have persuaded you she can!)

have tried talking to her when everything is calm and she agrees that her behaviour is unacceptable, cries a bit, asks for a hug, apologises and promises it will never happen again... till the next time.

I like the idea of five mins uninterrupted time of persuasion. Does the five minutes stop if they start to shout or whinge? Or do you let him have five full minutes whatever?

(and incidentally, she can control herself because she never does it when dp is around, she is too much in awe of him. And he'd kill her )

What is it with these men that they only have to raise an eyebrow at the teenager for instant compliance?

I think the 5 minute rule should be that if either of you starts shouting, you have half an hour calm down time then start again.

(can you tell I'm making this up as I go along?)

no, it all sounds perfectly reasonable, acceptable and as if you've tried and tested the method for years

Justabout - you're right, it is completely unacceptable, but I haven't figured out a way of getting her to stop yet. I have posted on here about her tantrums before, and the advice I have had has been fab. She has cut down drastically, it used to be three, four times a week. Now it's once in a blue moon.

Ah Squonk!

I have 2 teens and 2 toddlers (and 1 in the middle).

My teens know that it is unacceptable to shout at me (as do my toddlers).

My suggestion? In your next calm moment you should tell teen that whilst it's okay for her to be angry you will not tolerate her yelling at you. Tell her that there will be consequences (you know her best) and be sure to follow through.

I'll try, Mars. Like I say, she has cut down drastically, and I am really proud of her for this. It is a rare, rare occurance nowadays which is good.

Although I know she can control herself, so it happening EVER is wrong.

I'll chat to her over the weekend when things are quiet and calm and tell her what I will do if she yells again.

If it does happen, how should I deal with the littlies?

When my wee weapons shout at me I get very quiet and tell them that I can't hear them when they shout at me. Then I tell them it's not a nice way to talk to people.

I'm very good at ignoring stropping toddlers/teens!

They all get the same message. It is unacceptable and I am unable to hear them when they shout!

I like it.

Simple, yet effective.

Am off to ignore some children...

Hey Squonk, can totally relate to what you've posted. DD1 isn't quite a teenager yet but hormones are starting to rage, her attitude stinks and arguments are becoming commonplace in our house.

I try my best to be the good parent and keep calm but currently suffering severe sleep deprivation with arrival of DS [huge yawn emoticon] and am finding myself extremely short tempered and get sucked into a shouting match with her.

Like you, DD2, (2.5) sees this and has also started shouting - possibly in order to be heard??

Need to nip it in the bud NOW I know.

Will watch thread with interest for advice.

I'm more or less through the double tantrum stage - oldest are 20 and 18, youngest are 9 and 5 - but I remember only too painfully what a nightmare it was. And yes, my youngest especially did imitate DD's explosions - she would cross the threshold of acceptable behaviour and then DS3's toddler strops would seem completely reasonable. DD is 18 now and a lot calmer and nicer, but I still watch DS3 strop up to his bedroom in a teenagerish way and know exactly where he got that from .
WHat's really great is when you're at the stage when you're still half awake at 2 a.m. waiting to hear your teenager (though DS1 is 20 now) return from clubbing safely and then be woken up at 6 by small children .

oh great, hassled... something to look forward to

wezzle - it sounds like yours are about the same age difference as mine. Ten years between them. Fun, isn't it

oh Mightysquonk, we meet again! I have a 16 year age gap between my two lads. When dan was 16 tom was born - yeeeeaaahhh. Also was starting to be very menopausal. Dan was really jealous of little bro and they didnt get on at all. Now big bro is going to be a daddy little bro and him have got much closer. Certainly agree with the ignoring advice, and can relate to the older one coming home from a night out while im up feeding little un!! Stick in there mate........

It's a laugh a minute here Squonk

Got it all to do again in 10 years time - can't wait.

Must learn this ignoring technique though - I can see it will work - I hate being ignored

Have DD18,DS12,DD8 and DD2 so I know exactly what you mean!
DD1 has always pushed the boundaries and continues to do so;DSmuch pleasanter personality but occasionally comes out with her expressions,as does DD2 aged 8.DD3 is another matter.Just started having Toddler Tantrumsand I am sure she is in training to be as challenging as her eldest sister!

tis good to know that I am not alone.

Cant help but have dd aged 15, dd aged 12, ds aged 9 and ds aged 3 so you have my sympathy

i have ds aged 17,ds aged 15 with asd,ds aged 12,ds aged 6,ds aged 4 and ds aged 7 months!!!tell me about it!!!!!!

Squonk..the ignoring of the littlies really does work.

With dd1 DO NOT let her get away with crying, aplogising and cuddling then going back to normal. Imagine if it was your DP that was verbally abusing shouting at you then later apologised, cuddles you and said it wouldn't happen again...all MN'ers would be up in arms telling you to kick him into touch!!!!

My son could have spectacular temper tantrums, as a teen,and I realised that he often had them when he was hungry!
He is an adult now, and the tempers[like those of his contempories,] just faded away as they got older and more experienced and ' worldly~wise,' but at the time it was Absolute Hell.Recently I discovered some old diaries I'd written,from those days/years and it seems impossible that I ever felt that bad![I actually put some pages in the fire they were so awful to re read!]
In retrospect, the main mistakes I made were being Inconsistent,e.g grounding him, then giving in [anything for a quiet life],and this made him lose respect for me.
Be strong~mentally strong, and stick to your groundings.It ain't easy,but firm boundaries was what my teenage son needed.His dad had left me when our son was 4,and was never any real help when son was a teen.Boys especially need their dads.

Hi maybe you also need their granny who is very frail who lives with you and shouts becuase she does not like the food you've given her - oddly enough when teenagers have to cope with such strains, they become reasonable & see what is going on (they don't actually feed their granny though!)