My son doesn’t know how to study

[AnnaRaisingTeens]

Wasn’t sure where to post this but some general advice from fellow-parents of teens would be great.

My son (about to turn 17) is awaiting GCSE results. I have no clue what to expect. He studied zero, nada, not at all. It’s as though he was stuck and couldn’t pull himself out of it. (For me that is literally the stuff of nightmares, to be walking into an exam for which I hadn’t opened a single book to prepare). I cajoled and lectured a bit, also sat down to offer practical help, but to little avail. He’s very smart and has coasted through his education to date - but no study will not get him the results he’s capable of. He’s having a bit of a rotten time this summer, mental health wise. He knows he’s not on the path he wants (A-levels, university, Further Maths is his favourite subject). I do badly want to support him. His Dad and I are separated but united on this point.

I’d love to connect with anyone who’s a bit further down the path in a similar situation. Will a good tutor help? He had some school counselling earlier in year after he got in some trouble, so therapy is definitely part of the solution. His Dad confessed that he feels it’s history repeating itself - he never learned to apply himself and in his own words has underachieved all his adult life. I feel there’s just a short window now where I can be a positive influence and help him turn this around.

Get him to start with past papers. Look at them with him. He needs to be able to answer those questions. Then he can work backwards through his notes to help him work out how to do this. He can also email teachers and ask for specific activities he should be doing.

Well he may be lucky if he is bright and get what he needs, I had ds a bit like this and he did very well at GCSE. He got lucky, however this attitude did not translate to A levels snd he did very badly in one subject in year 12 and then had to resist the year. It was a huge wake up call. He is now at uni and if I am honest there is always an undercurrent of attitude that he can just do it with minimal work, so he does ok but not brilliantly. You cannot force him to study he has to motivate himself. Have a plan b for August in case a levels are not possible and be positive about whatever that might be. He can still get to university another way. Sometimes they have to fail to start to succeed.

I agree with past papers, it’s hard but it massively focuses the mind on active revision rather than just passively staring at a page. I also think you’re right to get a tutor for any wobbly subjects- with the right one, they can power through so much in an hour that only a teen who was UBER dedicated could match on their own (I realise it’s possible and some kids are perfect, but in the real world…😉)

Ultimately he has to want it too, then you can help. Are the boundaries for his chosen a-level courses high, or pretty achievable all things considered?

it’s bloody hard work, kudos to you and his dad for being a team on this.

Did they do revision lessons at school- I thought my dad
did little revision for GSCE- came out with good grades- I hadn’t realised how much work was done at school

Dd- not dad, no idea what he did

I was like this. Bright by nature but literally could not work (now been diagnosed with ADHD ) - so distractable, hated the homework - god it would have been awful in a world of ipads / twitter / tik tok etc

I did VERY poorly at GCSE - but scraped 5 passes (failed maths had to retake) - which allowed me onto A level - where I did much better in the sixth form environment where I was treated like an adult.

I know it is so so hard to watch but he has to develop intrinsic motivation

If he can only pass Maths a level with you holding his hand and supporting him - he won't be able to cope in the world of work. I had to reach the point myself of seeing failure and knowing what it looked like - I then developed my own strategies to work harder

mother dearest i’m not ‘having a rotten time’ i just happen to enjoy sleeping

Does your son want to gain study skills?
Coz mine stubbornly refused to let me help him.
Has found his own way. Some do.

Please google inattentive adhd - people think adhd is boys being physically hyperactive - the H can also stand for hyperactive mind. Typical traits is under achieving at school due to poor executive functions (not being able to plan) and low dopamine (chemical needed for motivation so avoid boring mundane tasks). It’s can also be inherited.

Thanks for your replies, all helpful. I had a funny afternoon yesterday - I was out shopping for a birthday present with said son, and asked him to look up directions on my phone, after which he as normal proceeded to tidy up my phone by closing all my tabs. Unfortunately the last tab open was this post, and he saw the title and laughter knowing it referred to him. I grabbed the phone back, but not before he spotted and memorised my user ID. I did talk to him about what I’d written.

So I come out of M&S after buying him a birthday card, and he tells me he found and replied to my post 😲 I did laugh the whole way home when I saw the user name he created. This boy is going to be fine 😁 We discussed the replies - wasn’t the way I had planned to do this, but worked out in the end.

😂It’s such a worry, raising teens. He's clearly well loved and bright, hope he gets what he needs come results day.

omg, that's so funny he replied here. Clever smartarse

My son was a bit like this, he really struggled with self directed academic work.
Started 6th form, crashed out, started a BTEC at college the following year that he absolutely loves and is managing the workload. Not everyone needs to go to university.

😂brill. He'll be fine.

What was the deleted post from TheTeenAnnaRaised?
I like his style

He was rude to a poster who tried to give advice.

Was going to say btw -another former non studying teen (who did fine at GCSE) with a non studying teen son and we both have ADHD as well. I think I got a bit gently chastised by his doctor the last time we went because I was worrying away wondering how I could micromanage and help him study and she asked if it was a problem for him. It's not, in fact none of the ADHD is really causing a problem for him right now. I have been a bit anxious for him to avoid struggling like I did and I think probably it's just a case of having the info in case it's needed later.

Since a few people on here have mentioned it, if there is anything like that it's obviously not causing an issue at the moment, but maybe something to keep in the back of mind just in case there are issues at a later date. I had no idea ADHD could manifest like this until I was in my late 20s.

And btw I have never had that exam nightmare!

@growinggreyer , thanks, maybe I don't admire his style then. Further Maths sounds like a good choice for him.

My son was exactly the same. Covid saved him from having to do GCSE exams. Diagnosed with inattentive ADHD 6 months after GCSEs. Now on medication and it has changed his life. Heading to his top choice Uni in September.
The whole period was massively stressful for him and me.

If you’re still after some tips, past papers are of almost no value at all, except in subjects like Maths where there is a right or wrong answer. Even then, they can be unhelpful if working out is part of the mark for the answer.

If he’d like to learn some decent revision skills, such as self quizzing, brain dumps and flash cards, I’d recommend a great book called ‘Revision Revolution’. Available on Amazon.

This is what we use for the basis of our revision lessons in school.