DD 15 drinking - advice please

[mumontherun14]

Hi I’m feeling really anxious about DD 15 1/2 so all advice welcome. She is a good kid overall & up to this point we’ve always been close & no major problems.

She has never had a huge friend group at school mainly I think due to her being really interested in horse riding & that taking up all her time at weekends & being ill & off school on & off for a bit. She has a few close friends but now has 2 other big groups outside school who she has met through the horses.

one girl she has been friends with for years and they have been friendly then less so but are now back in close contact. She has introduced DD to a few boys who are friends of hers who hang around outside & go drinking in park etc at weekend. They live in next town so DD travels her self by short bus or train ride then I collect her at 11.

On Tuesday night she was definitely a bit worse for wear but ok quite giggly and chatty. She is now going out with one of the boys… he does seem nice enough he FaceTimes her most nights but is a year older & I’m just not that happy about the drinking.

last night I got her & it was just her & the 3 boys. No sign of the other girls and she’d had far too much. She was full of carry on then later on when we got home was sick although denied it.
I phoned her during the night & she was ok and said they weren’t drinking which was obviously a lie. I saw photos on the shared family account of her & 3 boys sitting on park bench & they are all sticking their 2 fingers up at camera.

She’s also been vaping with the crowd & her other group of pals .

I took the vapes off her & we had a long chat about the dangers and I think she stopped for a while but she is back doing it.

Meanwhile she has her own horse & has now become too tired/busy to be going to to attend to him daily so I’m doing him every day which is hard for me as I have a full time job. In the last 2 weeks she’s been up to see him twice and I’ve covered the other days although one day she was working & then at a concert.

Any advice welcome. I know many people have done this when young including myself but I feel really uneasy about these boys as I don’t know them but she is so headstrong that the more I ban any contact I feel she will become sneaky to keep it going. She has always been a kind caring girl & doing well at school & now I just feel we are hitting the hell of the teenage years.
ive offers for her to invite them over to the house but she’s said no.
Thanks

I don’t have much advice apart from that I don’t think I would be picking up the slack with the horse, if she can’t take responsibility for caring for it she doesn’t deserve to have it. Obviously if it’s a one-off event like a concert then arranging someone else to go and see it is fine, but I think I’d be putting my foot down that if she can’t be bothered looking after it she doesn’t get to keep it. I’m sure there’ll be another little girl somewhere happy to have a horse.

In terms of the staying out and drinking, I guess the solution would be to I still more boundaries and an earlier curfew than 11. No wonder she’s tired if she’s not getting picked up till 11, presumably it’s midnight then before she gets to bed. Pick her up at 9:30 and make it clear that until she steps up and proves she isn’t too tired/ hungover to carry out her responsibilities with the horse you won’t be moving it back later

Was the idea to own a horse purely from her ? Put aside the other stuff, and it was always a big ask for a teen going through exams etc to have sole responsibility for a horse.
I'd start by having a proper chat about that. If she wants to keep the horse, she has to care for it except for exceptional circumstances.

On the other stuff, it's really hard. Crack down too much and they'll rebel, but I do think an 11pm curfew for a 15 year old is quite late. I'd make it earlier if there are any obvious signs of drinking.

Thanks. Earlier curfew is a good idea. Past 2 years she was completely into her horse riding and had 2 horses one on loan at one point and rode 3/4 times a week. It was 100% her idea to get the horse and she was devoted to him until she got Covid & was quite ill.

She took it in February and was knocked out with it migraines exhaustion etc & missed a month of school right before her exams. Then had to go straight into her exam period.

She is still on inhalers & is now being tested for B12 anaemia .

So I have picked up the slack a bit due to illness & exams but am not prepared to do it due to hangovers. I am fond of him but it’s a big expense/commitment. I’m hoping if she gets iron tablets etc her energy levels may improve and we have got a sharer lady to help exercise him 3 times a week.

Do you think I should ground her for last nights episode ? I feel like I am being a bit soft. My husband more relaxed about it but I feel like we are being too lenient with her.

Also they usually go back to her friends house 10-11 so I get her from there. But then they come home & all go on FaceTime & I’m so tired & working next day that I fall asleep. I’m thinking of curfew on wi go as well although DS is 18 & he will often also be up till midnight watching films as is the holidays.

Her friend stays with her dad & he is very lenient with her so she gets a lot more freedom than DD & now DD pushing for similar.

Thanks

@mumontherun14 I wouldn't ground her, but I would have a serious talk with her.
Explain that you know she has been drinking to excess and if you pick her up in that state again she won't be allowed out for a week.

On the horse, it's definitely time for tough love. It's an expensive hobby and if it's not for her any more then a decision needs to be made. I'd tell her that you'll do the looking after one day a week, but after that it's three strikes in a month and she needs to start thinking if she wants the horse or not. Explain what you've said here that you have a job and don't have time to look after a horse as well. Give her some time to think about it.

Oh and yes wifi off at 12. Slightly tough on your DS but necessary.

Sorry meant to say as well we are in Scotland so it’s the school summer holidays ! She wouldn’t be out till 11 or FaceTimeing during the term time.

I don’t know about grounding her; we’re you clear about rules and boundaries beforehand or have you given her too much freedom? If you have been clear about the rules and boundaries and she has intentionally broken them then yes, there should be a consequence to that. However, if you have let her go out with no specific rules/ boundaries and she’s been engaging in behaviour you don’t like/ see as reasonable but you haven’t ever communicated it to her beforehand I don’t think it’s really reasonable to ground her.

Moving forward you do need to have clear rules and boundaries regarding what is and is not okay in place. I think you also need to be clear about the consequences, so under the current regime she’s too tired to look after her hours and as such curfew is going to be earlier. If she remains too tired to look after him then you’ll have to sell him because you can’t be looking after him. If when she is out she is drinking she will not be allowed out with those friends again for a week. She is only 15, at that age they will experiment with alcohol but it’s young to be drinking every night and it shouldn’t be getting in the way of her responsibilities.

Thanks good advice . DS kind of skipped all this hanging around due to Covid & just went straight into adult socialising at peoples houses or parties etc. I know there’s often not loads for teens to do & any suggestions I’ve made of bowling adventure golf etc have been met with extreme eye rolls!!!

@MolkosTeenageAngst thanks good advice. She was well aware that I do not want her to drink when she is out with that crowd.

She is not doing it every night. Only twice so far with this group that I am aware of.