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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Boyfriend staying over?

23 replies

toptail22 · 16/07/2022 08:14

Would you let your 16 year old daughters boyfriend stay overnight?
This is my dilemma!

I've said no, she's hating me, I'm upset.

She's been with him on/off for 5 months. I've dried her tears and provided comfort when he's ended it with her previously. I don't fully approve of him but he makes her happy.

I feel I'm pushing her away... I'm struggling with this.

He has stayed overnight previously as he relies on trains, which aren't frequent but that made me feel really uncomfortable.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

mdh2020 · 16/07/2022 08:43

What do you mean by staying overnight ? Will he sleep in her room or the spare room? Have you established whether or not they are having sex? If so, Have you spoken to both of them about using contraception? If you try to part them you will only succeed in pushing them together.
Why are you uncomfortable having him stay over?

Rainbowqueeen · 16/07/2022 08:47

I have a relationship must be of 6 months standing rule. From the age of 18. No overnights before then.

I don’t want a bunch of randoms staying in my home.

What you decide won’t only apply to this boy but all future boyfriends. So think about what you feel is appropriate - remember it’s your house so your rules go.

Cupcakegirl13 · 16/07/2022 08:54

You need to establish if they’re having sex and make sure your daughter is mainly using contraception. You’ll never stop them from doing it but it needs to be safe.

Original poster

toptail22 · 16/07/2022 09:16

Sorry I meant to add him staying over in her bed.
She was previously on the pill but she's stopped taking this recently due to side effects. She has had sex - once with him. She assures me it's not about sex but him just being with her to watch tv etc. I'm lucky in that she's pretty sensible and has her head screwed on (I hope)

It makes me feel uncomfortable him staying in the same bed overnight with her. It was something I just wasn't allowed to do at 16. I have let him stay over previously when trains were cancelled - in her bed.

I speak with my friends and they're all split re whether it's ok or not. My life would be so much easier if I just said yes but it just doesn't sit well with me.

OP posts:

Andi2020 · 17/07/2022 22:50

Teenagers are hard but it's hard to say No when you have already allow him stay.
Have you younger kids that you don't want them doing same.
Every parent is different
I have 3 teenagers dd1 is 19 tomorrow and her and bf stay over at each others houses from age 17
Dd2 is 17 and totally different lives to go out in groups of friends and not at the stage of wanting to bring anyone home yet.
So everyone is different
Just have her on contraception

Selok · 18/07/2022 00:11

Same here OP! DD 17, she is asking if they can have sleepover with boyfriend- same story, her bestie and her bf have sleepovers regularly. My DD and bf are friends since year 8, I used to work with his dad, in the same company- I constantly say no as you said I don't feel comfortable about this. She constantly asking why why! My answer is he can sleepover when you are both at uni, in your own places

Jungledrinks · 18/07/2022 00:32

at that age my mum had a rule of if you going to want to see your boyfriend and sleep with him I’d rather you do it safely in my house. Same with drinking she always let us have a small alcoholic pop drink if to share if we asked when we reached 16. We both now really don’t drink I drink once a month same for my sister we never binged drinked and I never snuck around trying to have sex. It’s meant I can be very open with my mum and she’s met every one of my partners bar one but I had moved out at that point and he’s was short lived as he ghosted me.

SpaceJamtart · 18/07/2022 00:35

Personally I would let them, as they are 16, its not like it is a one night stand and you have already let him stay. Though probably help her sort out contraception that works for her first

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2022 00:38

My answer would be no, and your daughter doesn't hate you. She will get over it. It's your job to enforce proper boundaries, and it's your home so you make the rules.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 18/07/2022 01:17

Same bed? No. Way.

My dd just turned 17, has been with her bf (also 17) a few months. I have allowed him to stay here because 1. he lives 100+km away 2. He stays in a guest cabin on our property (ie, not in the same building!) and 3. We are a biggish family so there's more default supervision.
Reasons 2 & 3 are very different at his place so I've said no way for the foreseeable future. I also am conscious of not pressuring more intimacy by rushing to regular sleepovers.

Ponderingwindow · 18/07/2022 01:22

Overnights add to the intimacy of a relationship. She will be ready for that when she is ready to secure her own housing.

letting her rush into overnights let’s her play pretend that the relationship is much more serious than it actually is at 16. Whether or not they are having sex is irrelevant and obviously not something you can control. Playing house is different.

VariationsonaTheme · 18/07/2022 01:24

My ds, almost 18, is allowed to have his gf to stay and he goes to hers too. The difference is they’ve been in a stable relationship for over a year and there’s no on-off unhappiness between them. In your position I’d say no because it doesn’t sound like it’s the happy, easy relationship that it should be at their age, and I wouldn’t be encouraging it.

NrlySp · 18/07/2022 01:36

If you are willing to be a grandmother or take her for an abortion yes. If not then no.
why can’t he sleep in the spare room/front room?
but it’s not really necessary if he is able to her home

loopyb · 18/07/2022 02:47

Please don't. My mum let my boyfriend stay over at that age, and now I actually resent her for it. It allowed me to enter into a mature relationship I really wasn't ready for and felt trapped by. When I didn't want him to stay because I wanted personal space, all the 'blame' was on me, and I felt pressured into having regular sex. I shouldn't but I do resent my parents because they should have set a safe boundary - I wasn't old enough to know my relationship was not healthy.

Don't get me wrong - if she'd said no at the time I would've been furious! And I'm not saying your DD's relationship may be abusive. But I definitely won't be allowing my children do the same.

KosherDill · 18/07/2022 03:11

Jesus Christ, no.

She's still a child. She should be focusing on herself, her education and her future, not getting tied up with some horny teenager.

Nat6999 · 18/07/2022 03:11

Ds is 18 & has been in a relationship with his boyfriend 3 months, he stays at his BF house regularly & the only reason they don't stay at mine is that he doesn't have a double bed yet.

Glitternails1 · 18/07/2022 04:55

She's been with him on/off for 5 months. I've dried her tears and provided comfort when he's ended it with her previously. I don't fully approve of him but he makes her happy.

He can’t be making her happy if they’ve been on/off and he’s already made her cry within the space of 5 months.

He has stayed overnight previously as he relies on trains, which aren't frequent but that made me feel really uncomfortable.

This is probably why she’s upset with you. You’ve allowed her to have sex with her boyfriend before and now you’re stopping that. If they’ve been on/off and she has already cried over him within the space of just 5 months then maybe the boy is pressuring her and your Dd is worried he will dump her again.

Glitternails1 · 18/07/2022 04:59

Yours and OP’s situations are totally different. OP has a 16 year old girl. You have an 18 year old man in a gay relationship. You don’t need to worry about teen pregnancy.

erinaceus · 18/07/2022 05:05

One reason not to, is so that her home remains a reliably safe space where she can get away from him. If you allow them to sleep together in her home, and the relationship deteriorates, she does not have access to a space which he does not have access to. I do understand that you can at that point not let him into her home but what is on my mind is more subtle than that, and perhaps a bit more psychological.

Monty27 · 18/07/2022 05:13

No. I didn't at that age. When DD was about 17 and got into a relationship I came home from work about 6.30pm to discover her in her bed with a guy she was besotted with. My DS was home before me and thought it was highly amusing. because she was normally so well behaved
I was not amused one little bit. I exited the bf in a very calm way utter contempt and there was never a repeat performance from either DD or DS.

Wallywobbles · 18/07/2022 05:21

I said after 6 months they could stay over. My DH was really not keen on having random lads staying over so I felt that this was one way to make sure they were fairly serious about each other.

If I'd been on my own with no DH my answer would have just been yes.

So far it's worked out pretty well.

Hatsoff5 · 18/07/2022 05:31

No and reasons being... have they really just had sex once? DD has side affects from the pill so she's on no other contraception?

On and off after 4 months! Just explain there's rules and until they have been together longer it's a no!

autienotnaughty · 18/07/2022 05:45

Both my dd were 18. I'd agree to staying if travel was an issue but separate bedrooms. Saying that my parents let me at 17.!

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