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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage daughter has no friends

24 replies

Fiona19800 · 12/07/2022 23:39

My daughter is 15-16 in October and I’m really sad for her that she doesn’t really have any proper friends. She’s got plenty of people to sit with at school and go on school events with but rarely gets invited to things outside school.
The girl she says is her best friend comes round occasionally but lives about 20 mins drive away and more often than not when my daughter invites her to do something she’ll say she’s at dance or at her dads. I’ve suggested to her she needs to start branching out and making connections with other kids rather than just relying on this one person . Often this girl will make arrangements with others in the friend group and not include my daughter.

She’s very shy altho her confidence is growing slightly but when I’ve suggested maybe she joins a club like cadets or a drama group to try and get to know people she flat out refuses.

In primary she always got left out in a group of 5 so I think that’s scarred her a lot.

She’s absolutely lovely and it breaks my heart that she spends all her time alone in her room and all I see is groups or pairs of kids her age hanging out together enjoying themselves.

Her brother is a year younger and always out which highlights even more how alone she is.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 12/07/2022 23:47

Same in my house - confident and sociable younger brother. DD doesn't want to socialise and she is introverted. She was included in primary school probably until year 5 then she stopped being invited to things. She could be ASD and just finds chatting and socialising difficult. So I think it's easier to stay in her room. I don't think there's much we can do except continue to be there for them.

Blacknailvarnish · 12/07/2022 23:52

Cadets is amazing! I’d really try and push her to join. Could you bribe her to go for a few weeks to try it? It’s been the making of my DD who was in a similar position.

Sloebluewalls · 13/07/2022 00:03

Can you ask her to try clubs related to her interests? Just once, no pressure to join.

also it might be an idea for her to do some counselling to help her workout which bits of making friends she struggles with, how to improve her communication to access what she would like

Candacej · 13/07/2022 09:21

Hi, my nearly 15 year old daughter is very similar to this. She has friends at school but doesn't see them out of school. She refuses groups and needs lots of encouragement to initiate contact with a friend via phone. I used to really worry about it, but she seems so content and happy in her own company that I have given up worrying and decided that she will spread her wings when she is ready.
I do continue to remind her that it is important to build and maintain social skills though, but she is doing this at school.

gk4u · 22/07/2022 19:18

Same situation here I spend my time organising things with friends of mine so I know that she will do something but it’s heart breaking and I can’t get to the bottom of it..
counselling is a good idea maybe but don’t think she will want to
have to resist just buying stuff to lift the mood

BippityBippityBop · 22/07/2022 19:23

I was this kid. I had people I hung out with at school, but no true friends.

Then I got a job.... I realised I just had an older head on my shoulders and got on better with people older than me. I just never connected with people my own age. But when I started working alongside college (which also had varying ages of students) I suddenly had more friends than I knew how to handle.

Don't panic.

Flossy1973 · 26/07/2022 20:01

Hi, I’m concerned about my 16 year old son. He has just finished his exams and is having zero contact with his friends. He has not socialised much since lockdown and is spending a lot of time at home. He will pop to the shops or go to the gym but mainly socialises with people online. He has messaged friends but gets ignored and has now become disheartened in reaching out to them. We have had lots of chats and he mentioned he feels he lacks a connection with them. I have encouraged him to call and message or even other people he knows that ordinarily he’s not hung around with but he seems to of lost his confidence to do so. Should I be worried or reassured that hopefully he’ll make new friends when he starts college. Have other parents experienced this with their teenagers? He has been flat with it all and I’m worried he’s missing out on socialisation. It’s horrible to see him lost at times.
thank you

Greenstar22 · 26/07/2022 20:31

My son is 16, no friends in or out of school. Had a really bad year and I've been so worried. But got a summer job this year and the difference is amazing. He feels valued, can see that not everyone is a prick (his words!) and his confidence has grown. I would say don't stress too much, this is a really small period in their lives, once they leave school and go to college/ work things will improve. A part time job or volunteering somewhere might help, my ds is fine with older people, hes the youngest where he works by 2 or 3 years, but struggles with his own age group.

jammiewhammie65 · 26/07/2022 20:45

I was going to say the same. Once they are 16 they have a national insurance number and can work. My daughter got a evening and weekend job straight away and the difference in her is remarkable She's so much more confident and been out with friends from work

Cinemaandsweets · 27/07/2022 16:56

No advice but I'm worried about my 14 year old ds. He seems to have friends at school but he very rarely meets anyone outside school. He will occasionally go out but it's not looking like he's going to make any plans this Summer. I've tried to gently ask him if he's got anyone he could meet with but he says he doesn't want to.

He plays football and enjoys that, but that's all he does. I've suggested sports we could get him involved with but he says no.

I'm keeping him busy as much as possible, but I'm sure it's not great to spend all Summer hanging out with your mum.

I only hope that things will change as he gets older.

Flossy1973 · 27/07/2022 18:46

Thank you for your kind words, reassuring to know we’re not alone. He’s applied for jobs, nothing concrete as yet but the odd afternoon/ day of work which helps.
I wish your son well.

LivingOnTheVeg · 27/07/2022 18:57

Does she want friends, OP? She might be happiest in her own company. I had plenty of friends in school and would go out with them but as I got older I realised that, as much as I liked them, I just wasn’t interested in socialising. I’m too introverted and shy. I’m now in my late 20s and while I’ve still got a few friends we only go out a couple of times a year at most. Sometimes I wish I had more friends/did more with them but at the end of the day I’m just not that sort of person. Your DD might be the same too?

If she’s not, is she only saying no to cadets because she’s not interested in that? Would she like a different class? Or if she’s really shy, would she go to something with you? Maybe an exercise class or an art class. Something you can do together every week and get her confidence up speaking to people. Even if she doesn’t make friends her own age, it’s good practice.

Titsywoo · 27/07/2022 19:07

My DD is like this and secondary was really hard for her. I encouraged her to go to a different college as the people she hang out with in school were toxic and left her out or ignored her all the time. She did better in sixth form and also made some very good friends online (we met them before we allowed her to meet up with them but she sees them fairly regularly now). She is about to go into the final year of sixth form and is working part time where she has made some other friends. She still doesn't go out much but seems much happier and is working hard to go to uni next year which will hopefully be good for her socially.

It has been very hard to watch this happen and I did get her some counselling. It has been suggested she is autistic which is highly possible as her brother and Dad are. She grows in confidence with each passing year though so don't worry too much!

Candacej · 08/08/2022 18:28

Hi to those who posted with teenagers who are having minimal social interaction with friends. How are you all getting on during the holidays?

canellini · 09/08/2022 04:58

I'm in this boat too. It's post-GCSEs here and ds has had one social engagement all summer. He seems ok but bored. Hasn't got a job but has only looked online. How are the others?

Baxdream · 09/08/2022 12:50

Similar here. Older sibling is never home but 15 year old has been out once so far.

Birthday is a while off yet so no hint of a job until next year.

This is heartbreaking to watch. We're trying to make plans but how do you entertain a 15 year old every day?!

FramptonRose · 09/08/2022 13:01

My DD is slightly younger (almost 14) and I very much suspect ASD, she is quite happy being at home at not meeting up with people, although once she is with a friend she does seem to have a good time, you almost have to force her to message friends to meet up.

There are a lot of other things she does that makes us suspect ASD.

I remember, at her age, I was never at home in the summer, I was always out with friends having fun and I feel really sad that a majority of her time over the summer has been at home.

FramptonRose · 09/08/2022 13:02

Baxdream · 09/08/2022 12:50

Similar here. Older sibling is never home but 15 year old has been out once so far.

Birthday is a while off yet so no hint of a job until next year.

This is heartbreaking to watch. We're trying to make plans but how do you entertain a 15 year old every day?!

I find the entertainment side really hard, as I almost feel like, where she is not little anymore, I can't just go to parks and walks all the time.

LittleGreenBeetle · 09/08/2022 13:06

Changing schools for 6th form was the making of my daughter. Gave her a lot of confidence in herself. She still has a couple of friends from her old school but isn't reliant on them, as she now has a handful from college too.

Nuts70 · 09/07/2023 14:41

I totally relate to this. 15 yr old D hasn’t any friends outside of school. She wishes for a best friend. I am her everything, of course that’s lovely but is it right?? I was so popular at school so find it hard to relate to. She wants me to be her social life. It’s great but at 15 with adhd and asd she can be quite demanding and tbh I don’t always want to do the stuff she does. Then im consumed with guilt. She won’t join clubs. I wish I had a magic ward!!!

strawbbaby · 29/01/2024 12:13

My daughter 14 moved schools for year 9 as she was really unhappy at her old school
she lost touch with most of her old friends as a lot of them also moved and she loved her new school for the first year and seemed the have a solid group of friends. This all changed in the summer . Two of the girls got boyfriends and are very serious about them . They have stopped wanting to meet up with my daughter, don’t respond in group chats and when they do meet up they have secret sleep overs just the two of them after and don’t invite my daughter. She says she has people to hang out with at school but no one calls her or messages her out of school, she’s tried arranging things and sometimes goes out but only if she organises and she’s getting sick of it, it’s making her hate school and she’s becoming really low and bored at the weekends. She has got a Saturday job which helps but she is so desperate to leave school and says she just wants a close friend to talk to and no one is interested in her. She does a sport but hasn’t managed to make any real connections at that . I don’t know how to help her , it’s really sad

NeedToChangeName · 30/01/2024 08:17

I think it's important not to project our own feelings onto our children. Some children are introverted, don't want / need to socialise a lot, and we should be careful not to give them a message that this is wrong. If they're quieter than us at their end, that's OK

I've always encouraged my children not to be too dependent on specific friends. I've explained that most adults don't have a "best friend"

And when I feel good / not so good about my own friendships, I talk about it, so they know that adults don't always have the answers

TheaBrandt · 30/01/2024 08:27

Heartbreaking- things do open up in 6th form and they all mix up more. Getting a job has helped friends shyer teens branch out.

Dd2 is this age but is the opposite. Had a chat recently a girl she sits next to in one lesson she says is really nice but has no friends Dd said her parents have been into school about it. She picked up her phone and invited the girl into town and to come to a party with her and her pals.

tspence69 · 14/04/2025 10:26

Hi this cauod be me writing this my dauggyer is 15 and is not interested in going out loves the comfort of her room and will play online with a few girls but that is it .I try and encourage her but she feels her friends at school leave jher out and she is not good enough because she is different with the autism. I'm so sad for her .any suggestions o feel she woukd be better with other autistic teenagers

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