How and when to let go....

[Lettinggoofteens]

I think I probably know my own answers but I wanted to ask a bit of advice.

My 17DD has recently passed her driving test and I'm just struggling to let go. We live quite rurally so she has had to rely on us for transport and getting around etc. and so I have generally been involved in her life quite heavily up until now. She is an only child and so I'm probably more involved than I should be anyway.

I only work part time and for the past 17.5 years, most of my existence has been being a mum. Being completely involved.

From the moment she has passed her driving test, I feel as if she has gone. She's been to school, work and on her free evenings, been out to see friends etc. My rational head knows this is completely normal.

But I feel this churned up feeling inside and am worrying quite a lot. Overthinking whether she will go out in the world and make the right choices, feeling lost and bewildered. I don't know whether to blame it on peri-menopause, but it's leaving me feeling eurgh!

I know I probably shouldn't, but I went onto Find my Phone today to see what she was doing at lunch time at school and she had gone to a McDonalds. I asked her when she got home if she had gone out with her friends at lunchtime and she had said no. When she went out last night I asked her where she went and she told me one place, but then didn't say that she went to another village where a friend of hers lives - but I know she did because I checked on Find my Phone to see where she was. I hate it that she is telling porky pies about where she is going, I don't know why she would - I don't know whether she is anticipating I will be moaning at her for going out at lunchtime (which I wouldn't, she's at sixth form and they are allowed out!). I know I need to let go and stop checking up on her.

I've kind of asked her to keep me informed of when she's going out, where and when she's coming back, but again inside I'm not sure whether I'm expecting too much of a 17.5 year old? I feel like as she isn't 18, I am responsible for her.

At what point do you leave them to their own devices to come and go as they please?

How do I let go and find myself and stop this mithering anxiety? I hate this feeling, I've never been a massively confident person and this is exhausting.

The novelty of driving everywhere will wear off and soon you'll be taxi again for her to go out with friends and have a drink.

She's probably lying about where she went because she's enjoying her freedom! But if you feel at her age and maturity you need to keep tabs on her, limit it to once a night- maybe before you go to bed or at a certain time say 9pm. Don't quiz her or press her for answers or she'll lie more.

Let her enjoy the freedom and find the consequences of that freedom her own way.

You certainly shouldn't be tracking her. That's a massive invasion of a 17 year olds privacy. You need to get a grip or she will be out of there as soon as possible.

She's not telling porkies. She's maturing, leading her life and doesn't need or want you to know where she is when she's not with you. You really need to step back and delete the tracking app. You'll ruin your relationship if you can't accept she's growing up.

It must feel like an end of an era, you are both entering different stages of your life and that is unsettling!
You've clearly done a brilliant job at bringing up a confident daughter. Rejoice she is confident to get in her car and go, but I know it's nerve wracking after they pass their test as you want to make sure they arrive safely. Eventually you will relax into it ,then when she turns 18, driving will no longer be so attractive if she wants a drink and she will be begging lifts again.
It's not unreasonable to check she's arrived safely and check where she is on her journey home,for dinner etc but avoid checking too often, therein lies madness and she wont like it if she knows you always track her.
But it is respectful if you live together to say I'm going to x with y be back at z. We would say this to OH so I think its fine to expect this of teens and young adults too- but accept they will often forgot to do this.
If they go to uni it becomes easier ( after initial worries of will they settle and be ok!) as you aren't laying in bed listening out for the door.
She will make mistakes, it's inevitable but hopefully none of them will be too serious , she'll learn from them.
Sounds a bit cliche but try and think about what you want to do, hobbies, learn something new, meet up with friends.
Maybe even increase working hours or new job? Keeping busy is good to stop overthinking and enjoy your freedom.

Op please stop tracking her like this. Where does it end ? Will you get addicted to checking and not be able to stop even when she is off to uni

She is a healthy independent young woman who doesn't need to worry about how yoi feel.

At 17 why on earth would you mind her heading out for an evening ?

This is a bit like empty nest syndrome. Can you start looking at how you build your own new life ? Could you have counselling ?

Also..she isn't telling you lies. She has no obligation to tell you minute details of plans and sometimes will change plans or do things and not think about them.

You are speaking about her like a controlling husband. She is not a 14 year old she is nearly an adult now.

You have done a great job to get her here but giving up 17 years just for her means you need now to find more to focus on

The more questions you ask about tiny details of her life the more you will drive her away

@Runnerduck34 what a lovely response x

OP, it's hard to let go, and you probably won't be able to stop worrying, but you have to do it anyway. Your dd deserves her freedom.

I think it's reasonable to ask her to communicate her plans and tell you when she is going out, when she'll be back etc. That's just common courtesy when you're sharing a house etc. You need to stop stalking her on Find My Phone though... it's an invasion of her privacy and it's just feeding your anxiety.

I have an only child dd of the same age. She is out a lot. I'm grateful that she is confident and independent enough to do stuff without me, and that she has plenty of lovely friends to do stuff with. She does let me know where she is and what she's doing, and actually, she very sweetly still asks me if it's OK to do stuff that she wants to do, but she is nearly an adult now and naturally wants some independence.

Try to see it as a successful outcome of your parenting over all these years. You have produced a confident, independent young person, well done! Now, it's time to find a new focus for yourself as you move into this next phase of your life. It's exciting - embrace it!

You need to stop tracking her. It’s an invasion of privacy, and if she finds out that would damage your relationship.
Its time for you to move into the next phase of your life, you need to imagine what you will do if/when she’s gone to Uni. You need to make a life for yourself.

you shouldn't be tracking her imo and she hasn't done anything wrong, i don't mean this rudely but i do think you're entirely too involved, she's her own person now and almost an adult you can't keep tabs on her forever

When your daughter finds out you've been tracking her movements... well that could be the end of your relationship.

Seek some sort of help for yourself. This is really not healthy for you,or her.

Please, please stop tracking her - that is an awful thing to do to anyone, but especially a teenager who needs her independence.