I'm emotionally exhausted and actually hate my son

[Meltinthemiddle]

I'm so done, exhausted and out of patience and really don't like him. I just feel like he's not my son and and I want him to go and get out of my life. I don't trust him and he lies. I'm sick of arguing and worrying, being nice and patient, losing my shit, frustrated, helpless. I've tried every tactic to help him sort his shit and it's not working. He has SEN (DLD) with a EHCP. He was enrolled on a bricklaying course at college but dropped out, started similar course with the hope of apprenticeship but wasn't going and now dropped out because he can't understand why he hasn't passed it and got an apprenticeship. He's smoking weed, doesn't eat properly, stays up all night. The food I try to give him isn't good enough so he would rather have nothing. Everything is on his terms. He does nothing around the house to help. I've stopped money but he seems to have some (so worried how but his gf has a job so not sure if this is from her I can't bare the thought of him doing illegal shit but that's my fear). His gf is always buying him stuff as she has a apprenticeship but like I've said I am worried, seriously worried. I don't know what to do. I actually wish I never had him and that is an awful thing to say I really know! But the worry, the fear and disappointment that he is fucking his life and doing stuff I don't agree with. This is not how we brought him up and yet a switch has gone off and he's completely different. I also think he's shop lifting again I can't be certain! I have no proof. I've spoke to him nicely, tried to help him be patient etc. I've tried stopping things but it just pushes him away. He also because angry and starts bashing and breaking things, swearing and squaring up to dh when he tries to deep with him but dh had no patience. Nothing works. He is 18 this year and yet he's still acting like a brat who can do what he wants.

OP

Next time he smashes things call the police.
Don't let yourself be terrorised in your own house.

Honestly he sounds like a nightmare. Well done for coping this long OP. I would say though, that you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. So if I was you I’d wait to see if he improves by 18 then If not kick him out and tell him you’ll be there for him if he chooses to improve his life.

Yes I have warned him that I will. I feel like I just hate him now and part of me is past caring, giving up and in denial. I just dotn want him in my house but he has no where to go. And the longer he takes to sort himself out the longe the will stay here. I know he struggles due to his SEN but I've tried to help him I really have. I actually feel ashamed he's my son.

Look at supported Hostels. They take them from aged 16.

Ding feel embarrassed it sounds like you are a loving supportive mum to a difficult teen .
Don't be afraid of involving the police

I had to do that and it's been remarkably calm in the month since after months of aggression . The police were very supportive.

Sending (not very mumsnetty I know) hugs and strength. It all sounds incredibly hard. Well done for even getting this far! If you can find supported or hotel lodgings, it might give him a taste of real life, without everyone else his idea of life possible for him!
You don’t have to live like this forever.

First of all, you don't hate him. You wouldn't be this overwrought if you didn't care. You love your son and that's why this is so horribly painful.

Given his age, I think it's time for some serious tough love. The very next time he's violent, in any way, the police must be call. After that, if he won't tow the line, he can move out. You can't be a prisoner in your own home.

I went through very similar with my son exactly the same scenario too.

I'm lucky my sister used to offer him to go to hers for a couple of days at a time, she had the same rules as me but he seemed to respond to hers better, I guess it was a different setting, more relaxed from my anxious states I used to get in.

As for the weed, well I stopped the money too and he always had it. I found out he was selling just enough to get his for free each week.

My sons ADHD was the worst between 15-17 years old, he really settled after that and used weed much less.
I do know that he likes to medicate we weed, it calms him and slows the thought processing down.
Basically as soon as I accepted that is what he was doing he was significantly less agitated tbh
But I put rules in place, no smoking it at all at home, only at night time, go for a walk around the farm if you want it that bad or I'd bake him cookies with it.
Compromising is really difficult but having a few days breathing space every now again will be good for you and him.
My son is now 23, he's completed 2 apprenticeships, rents his own flat and holds a great job now and still smokes weed at night time only.

Hang on in there x

I am in a similar situation with a 20 yr old son. He works (for now) but is agressive at times (has smashed holes in doors ), smokes weed in the evening every night. Has stolen hundreds from us all before he was working. Has MH issues. I am terrified what his future holds. I hate what he has done and continues to do to us. I love him but life with him is so hard. OP you have my every sympathy. I have never ever felt so utterly depressed by his behaviour and attitude:(

Currently feeling this about my son too, really don't like the person he is becoming, just had a kicking off with him now over content found in his phone he did not take it well and went to run off again. I know I'm the adult but sometimes I want to scream and shout too. Stay strong @Meltinthemiddle

have had similar, all sorts of unbelievable behaviour from my DS. calling the police has definitely helped when he was intimidating me. they were very helpful. he has been up to all sorts- culminating in a dawn raid. obviously not what I have brought him up to do etc. police intervention has helped. somewhere along the line you have to create boundaries and if he can’t keep to them then he has to leave. i completely sympathise and keep my fingers crossed for you. these boys can be so difficult

Thank you everyone for your kind words and I'm sorry some of you are going through it too. I honestly thought I would be slated and judged because I sound so awful and the guilt about I feel is just as bad. Some days I actually just want to leave myself as its making me feel so depressed. I can't even look at him when he comes in because he's probably stoned and it upsets me and leads to a row. I think because he also has MH issues I worry more that he will become dependent on it and not just a phase. I feel like I've failed and question where I went wrong. I feel ashamed of him and embarrassed if I'm totally honest. I don't even feel there's an attachment any more because he's a totally different person. I'm going through my own personal stuff possibly perimenopausal so it's not a great situation.

Hey! @Meltinthemiddle lots of love and Kudos to you. It is not easy being a responsible parent to those with additional needs.

Hi
Been there done that From 18 to 28 my son was the same Oz new Zealand Canada same problems everywhere. Had a baby with ex 2019 all broke up after 3 months. Went to rehab feb 2020 for 4 months during lockdown 1.
A complety different person now counselling others . Miracles do happen...they have got to reach rock bottom.

OP He is smoking weed. It is the route of all evil for teenage boys. This will be why he is angry.
Next time he does something call the police. Get him removed. Show him tough love. He is dominating your lives and it has to stop for his own sake or his life will be ruined before it has even begun

Ugh, I get it. Between us my partner and I have 3 boys in the 16-18 range and they can make themselves extremely unlikable.

You can and should draw the line at violence and abusive behaviour.

The rest, I don't know. I do try to find positives, things to praise, opportunities to show that I love them and am proud of them, and they respond well and the behaviour tends to improve. But it's a fine line, because they need to be held accountable when they're being dicks, too.

I will say that the 18.5yo is a lot better, and we have a 20yo who's quite decent these days, so they do seem to grow out of it eventually.

for you. You absolutely haven't failed. At this age, he makes his own choices.

How are you doing @Meltinthemiddlex

Not great I'm really struggling with him and the situation. How about you?

It's calm here at the min, but for how long I dont know! It feels like walking on egg shells a bit but his gf is going on holiday so should have him stay at home for next 2 weeks.

There's a old thread on mumsnet by Mary something I'll try and find it and she gave really good advice on how to deal with this and hopefully come out the other end.
One part of the advice was to compartmarlize I think I spelt that right!
Pick your battles and concentrate on your other children, I'm trying to do that a bit, at the end of the day I have 3 other children 2 over 18 and one 10 year old.
I really need to prioritise the 10 year old.

Keep being strong, my hope is they will refuse one day what they are putting us through.
How is your ds ? X

So much sympathy and hugs to you. I have had this ongoing with my 19 year son. He also smokes weed everyday, is rude, aggressive, horrible, unreasonable. After calling the police multiple times he is no longer physically violent for about 18 months and he no longer steals (only two positives). He also has a job. I believe l, however, cannabis has made him mentally ill and he now has some sort of personality disorder as he is so unreasonable.

My mum took him for us when I reached the end and couldn’t have him at home with my other children and was on verge of breakdown. After nearly two years he had driven my darling mum to verge of a breakdown also and her neighbours had stopped talked to her because of his behaviours. We set him up in a flat (couldn’t bear for him to sleep on the streets which was the alternative) , pay all the bills and have had numerous complaints to point where he will probably need to leave.

I have a very good job and work hard - I am deeply ashamed, embarrassed, and resentful to him. He was given everything but he has grown up to be totally vile. I also feel I hate him sometimes - I don’t - I hate his behaviours and I clearly still love him but he has used my mum and my love as weapon to lever things from us. His dad is more hard nosed and gave up after being assaulted.

Sorry no great advice just wanted you to know you are not along.

Peb that sounds awful I'm so sorry you have gone through this too. I've had a day off today and he's literally done nothing, I've asked him to walk the dog and he said he couldn't because he was going out. He's still he 2 hours later. I've said some awful stuff today in pure anger frustration. I actually hate him. He blames everything on us also. I honestly don't know what to do with him. If I find out his been selling drugs I honestly think that will be it and I will kick him out.

Chances are he is probably selling drugs at a very low level - they nearly all (those who use them regularly) dip into selling to mates and do not see the moral problem with it. My son did bits and pieces but thankfully no longer as he does at least work steadily and has much to my surprise (just about) held down a job.

I am in a better place now with my son after reaching the verge of a breakdown.

I would suggest you might not reach that while he is living at home and getting him somewhere else if at all possible would help.

I have as much as possible emotionally detached now. Now he doesn't live at home, if he starts being rude or abusive on the phone or by text, I totally disengage either hang up or text i will not be engaging while he is acting like that. This was not possible at home. He is less abusive and is sorry afterwards (not because he is actually but because he doesnt want to risk me cutting him altogether as I still give him money)

He still tries but he realises he nolonger can emotionally blackmail me to the extent he did for years (I will only go to school/meeting, if you give me x, y or z etc).

I have also had to realise 1) i cannot 'fix' him 2) he is not going to in the short term become the person I always hoped/dreamed he would - his mind is messed up with drugs. I still have days where I cry about him and what he has become and his life still but I try to get on with it for the sake of the rest of my kids and family.

I think if you try to disengage and get on with your own life (very, very difficult)you will find it helps.

Although terrible for everyone involved, it's good to know other people are going through the same - tho wish none of us were! My son has been quite reasonable the last week or 2. He is making plans to go travelling for several months- I hope this will be a turning point for him. I wish you all well. It's really hard at times to see the wood for the trees. I have blamed myself for many years - I must have done something to get to this point. I hate cannabis - it is so destructive to young brains and lives . Take care everyone