DS13 no friends... should I be worried?

Wargghhhh · 2022-07-10T12:19:21+00:00

Hello My DS had plenty of friends in primary but since secondary his friends have largely gone by the wayside. He's a bright and funny boy, a bit quirky, not into sports, likes his drama and playing guitar - spends too much time gaming. He used to walk to school with a group of boys but that's stopped now as the boys go a different route for some reason. He has nobody to invite round, never goes to parties, never gets invited anywhere. When he's gaming he does it on his own as he maintains that his 'friends' were into games he wasn't so he preferred not to play with them. We've had issues with a bully at school (reported) who was a former friend, DS wanted us to report him and he spent some days in isolation for that. I just don't know what to do! he does several after school clubs, goes to football and drama but just doesn't seem to be able to make 'proper' friends. He has people he talks to, but I think his tolerance for 'banter' is low, he gets cross with people a lot and thinks people are being mean to him all the time. He's doing really well at school, his school report was fantastic so no worries there. Any thoughts / suggestions? I don't want to go the whole of summer with him indoors all the time on his own! Equally I'm well aware that I don't have to worry about vaping, drinking, drugs, girlfriends etc!

Oblomov22 · 10/07/2022 13:38

Speak to HoY. They can do this anyway, but especially after bullying their pastoral care should then follow on, with ensuring that ds makes new friends.

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/07/2022 14:17

It’s not that unusual for boys of that age.

He sounds to me like he’ll make friends via interests so I would look up what’s happening over the holidays and sign him up for stuff, with some input from him. Be clear you expect him to get out of the house once a day, and some interaction is a life skill. There will be drama clubs, maybe something for music - could you afford lessons? He should do some kind of physical activity.

The belief that people are always being mean to him needs to be nipped in the bud. Learned helplessness can become a real problem. The school should refer him for counselling to help him keep things in proportion and interact with people. Do some reading yourself so you can help him.

zighead · 10/07/2022 15:55

I honestly wouldn't worry unless he has said that he is unhappy.
It is very common for 13 year old boys to be in this situation. I would carry on encouraging him to participate in the clubs inside and outside of school but I'd be glad that he's doing well at school and not hanging around with the wrong crowd.
My DS was exactly the same at 13 and 14 and I was concerned like you but he's now 16 and is always out with friends. Still no parties though which has surprised me, but at least I haven't had the worry of him being drunk.

OnthePiste · 10/07/2022 18:45

My son was in a similar situation at 13, I posted on here at the time. It does seem to be a common age for primary friends to drift. He's now nearly 16 and has a group of friends, he doesn't go out a lot but they do meet up. He met a couple of them via gaming so it's not all bad!

Try not to worry, I know what you mean about the summer holidays though. I would try and get him to some drama/music workshops in the holidays. Good luck OP.

EnterACloud · 10/07/2022 18:48

Why do you say “he thinks people are being mean to him” rather than taking his word for it? (Genuine question) Is he going through a self pitying stage, or is it possible that he’s being picked on? Kids that age are pretty messed up and often awfuL to each other.

I know this is a cliche but might he be on the autistic spectrum? Only asking as a close relative is and had the exact same issue for several years.

does he have siblings?

waterrat · 10/07/2022 19:04

It's hard at his age but could he do with some support in talking about friendships ? I have a child who can be very negative about how other people are behaving..some of it is her own anxiety being projected onto situations.

If he was bullied could thst have knocked his confidence and put him on a defensive setting ? Is it worth him thinking about whether he is expecting too much of other people his age ...

Re. The summer. Could you just fill it with some organised groups and then try to be patient and see if he finds his tribe.

Making friends does involve being a easant person unfortunately...I've seen with my own child that when she gets angry and anxious it makes things much harder for her

MarshaBradyo · 10/07/2022 19:08

If he says people are being mean to him could he be getting bullying from many?

That's really tough

I’d try and find out what’s happening at school

cansu · 10/07/2022 19:09

He will need to also accept some changes. Is there anyone he would like to be friends with? if so, can he sit with them in one or two classes to give him an opportunity to get to know them? He will be asked to get involved in some clubs so as to meet new people. What school can't do is ask other kids to be his friend. This doesn't usually work especially at secondary age. You need to see how he feels about the situation. He needs to want to make friends.

RedHelenB · 10/07/2022 19:46

I'd ask school about it. There may be some social skills sessions they can do with him. Friendships are about compromise, he can't have everything his own way

Original poster

Wargghhhh · 10/07/2022 19:52

waterrat · 10/07/2022 19:04

It's hard at his age but could he do with some support in talking about friendships ? I have a child who can be very negative about how other people are behaving..some of it is her own anxiety being projected onto situations.

If he was bullied could thst have knocked his confidence and put him on a defensive setting ? Is it worth him thinking about whether he is expecting too much of other people his age ...

Re. The summer. Could you just fill it with some organised groups and then try to be patient and see if he finds his tribe.

Making friends does involve being a easant person unfortunately...I've seen with my own child that when she gets angry and anxious it makes things much harder for her

I think he is in defensive mode yes. He claims not to care that he doesn't have friends, but I know he'd be made up if someone contacted him and wanted to hang out.

He's a good kid, very clever and articulate and gets on well with adults. I do think sometimes he expects too much from others though ,he doesn't really like it when boys act daft for example and if someone is mean to him he drops them immediately.

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Original poster

Wargghhhh · 10/07/2022 19:54

cansu · 10/07/2022 19:09

He will need to also accept some changes. Is there anyone he would like to be friends with? if so, can he sit with them in one or two classes to give him an opportunity to get to know them? He will be asked to get involved in some clubs so as to meet new people. What school can't do is ask other kids to be his friend. This doesn't usually work especially at secondary age. You need to see how he feels about the situation. He needs to want to make friends.

Yes I think I will contact school again and see what they say.

He already does several clubs after school but doesn't seem to have bonded with anyone particularly.

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Original poster

Wargghhhh · 10/07/2022 19:55

RedHelenB · 10/07/2022 19:46

I'd ask school about it. There may be some social skills sessions they can do with him. Friendships are about compromise, he can't have everything his own way

Yes we've told him this - I would say he isn't very good at compromising!

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Biscuitsneeded · 10/07/2022 19:57

If he likes drama I would get him into your local Stagecoach or equivalent outside of school. Sometimes the friendships made with other 'theatre' kids are an absolute lifeline for those who struggle a bit at school just because they don't really fit the mould.

Original poster

Wargghhhh · 10/07/2022 19:58

EnterACloud · 10/07/2022 18:48

Why do you say “he thinks people are being mean to him” rather than taking his word for it? (Genuine question) Is he going through a self pitying stage, or is it possible that he’s being picked on? Kids that age are pretty messed up and often awfuL to each other.

I know this is a cliche but might he be on the autistic spectrum? Only asking as a close relative is and had the exact same issue for several years.

does he have siblings?

I think at this age there is a lot of 'banter' which could be misconstrued as meanness. If somebody takes the mick out of him for example he would see that as them being mean.

He doesn't have any autistic traits, pretty certain of that. He has one sister, she is completely different and isn't so black and white, in fact she doesn't notice meanness she only sees the good in people!

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Original poster

Wargghhhh · 10/07/2022 19:59

Biscuitsneeded · 10/07/2022 19:57

If he likes drama I would get him into your local Stagecoach or equivalent outside of school. Sometimes the friendships made with other 'theatre' kids are an absolute lifeline for those who struggle a bit at school just because they don't really fit the mould.

He already does similar! Again, hasn't made any lasting friendships there unfortunately. We are looking at an additional theatre school that he will hopefully start in September.

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DippyDoppy123 · 10/07/2022 21:51

My daughter is similar.
She was bullied by a previous good friend in her final year at primary and this totally knocked her confidence (and then she developed severe acne and had Covid restrictions) so she had a tough period. Her best friend then left school to be home schooled so she had no one.
she would come home and say she hadn’t spoken to anyone all day and it was awful.
school were helpful and sat her next to the chatty friendly kids for her classes. this worked well in terms of boosting her confidence.
She had now a growing circle of people she chats to and a few developing friendships. She’s still very wary of others and also hates ‘banter’. she’s little tolerance for ‘idiots’ but we try to talk to her about this. Think she’s just quite mature and I’m hoping as the others mature as well she will feel more connected.
hang in there, make sure you do things together as a family if you can…
i know how hard it is xxx

Luckything50 · 10/07/2022 21:53

i could have written this post a few years ago, even down to the very different sister.

my advice is to take the lead from him. If he’s not miserable, don’t stress about a perceived lack of friends or try to persuade him to mix with those he’s not comfortable with. Ime secondary schools can be full of aggressive little sods, and having to be their mate can be exhausting.

my ds didn’t have many boy friends at school as he didn’t get on with them, despite my best efforts (and probably pressure). He hung out with girls from y9 onwards, and changed schools after GCSEs as he got a (boarding) scholarship. Now has a huge number of friends and I never see him as he’s away all the time visiting their homes but he’s really happy and well balanced.

years 9-11 can be REALLY tough. Try not to worry and keep him as happy as you can whilst boosting his self confidence.
it’s this that will see him through the tough times.

Original poster

Wargghhhh · 11/07/2022 16:21

DippyDoppy123 · 10/07/2022 21:51

My daughter is similar.
She was bullied by a previous good friend in her final year at primary and this totally knocked her confidence (and then she developed severe acne and had Covid restrictions) so she had a tough period. Her best friend then left school to be home schooled so she had no one.
she would come home and say she hadn’t spoken to anyone all day and it was awful.
school were helpful and sat her next to the chatty friendly kids for her classes. this worked well in terms of boosting her confidence.
She had now a growing circle of people she chats to and a few developing friendships. She’s still very wary of others and also hates ‘banter’. she’s little tolerance for ‘idiots’ but we try to talk to her about this. Think she’s just quite mature and I’m hoping as the others mature as well she will feel more connected.
hang in there, make sure you do things together as a family if you can…
i know how hard it is xxx

Thank you, yes I would say my DS displays a lot more maturity than most of the kids his age so that could be a factor.

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Original poster

Wargghhhh · 11/07/2022 16:21

Luckything50 · 10/07/2022 21:53

i could have written this post a few years ago, even down to the very different sister.

my advice is to take the lead from him. If he’s not miserable, don’t stress about a perceived lack of friends or try to persuade him to mix with those he’s not comfortable with. Ime secondary schools can be full of aggressive little sods, and having to be their mate can be exhausting.

my ds didn’t have many boy friends at school as he didn’t get on with them, despite my best efforts (and probably pressure). He hung out with girls from y9 onwards, and changed schools after GCSEs as he got a (boarding) scholarship. Now has a huge number of friends and I never see him as he’s away all the time visiting their homes but he’s really happy and well balanced.

years 9-11 can be REALLY tough. Try not to worry and keep him as happy as you can whilst boosting his self confidence.
it’s this that will see him through the tough times.

This is really helpful thank you.

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Malsau · 18/01/2024 23:25

How is your son getting on now? Really interested as my 13 year old is very similar. Really hope he’s happier and has found some nice friends 😘

Singleandproud · 18/01/2024 23:51

@Malsau have you looked into cadet clubs for him. Air Cadets is great for the slightly socially awkward quieter teens. There's an academic element to it but also physical activity with swimming and athletics competitions, outdoor activities, first aid qualifications, camps locally, nationally and overseas, volunteering and community work, shooting and flying and possibility to get your pilots license. He doesn't have to be interested in joining the RAF but will learn about employability skills or even anything about planes, the longer you are there and the older you are the more opportunities you get.

The vast majority of my friends that I spent time with socially were from cadets not school (or those that were at both).

Original poster

Wargghhhh · 19/01/2024 15:06

Malsau · 18/01/2024 23:25

How is your son getting on now? Really interested as my 13 year old is very similar. Really hope he’s happier and has found some nice friends 😘

Hi not much is different tbh in terms of friendships. I did end up speaking to school however and 1 particular teacher took him under her wing and he ended up going to a club at lunchtimes where he hung out with teachers and other kids who were struggling socially. I never told him I knew about this, however his teacher said he seemed to be enjoying it.

He's moved up to Year 10 now and another teacher seems to have taken over and again he seems to have a bit of a kinship with her. She has had chats with him about her not fitting in at school and finding her tribe when she went to Uni etc.

One thing I've stopped doing is mentioning friends to him, he's very clear on which college he wants to go to for A Levels and is focusing on that - we attended an open day and I could tell that he felt happier after that, as some of the kids were similar to him, quite nerdy and into the same things! (maths, science etc).

He still goes to drama classes and has now started volunteering at a charity shop also.

So in a way I'm not worrying as much now, but hanging on to the fact that things will get better once college starts.

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NorthernPoppetPrincess · 20/01/2024 13:44

My lad is like this too. Seems to have friends in school, eg people to sit and talk to but doesn’t see anyone out side of school. He doesn’t seem phased by it and I feel like I’ve grown to accept that it’s just the way he is. He seems happy and even more so now i don’t badger him about it. 😂😂😂