18 year old frustrated at living at home - how can I make it more bearable for all of us?!

[Havingalaugh21]

My DD has had various health issues and is now coming out of the other side. She will be doing a foundation course in September and the plan was for her to live at home but now she says she wants to be free, feels stifled, wants to live in student accommodation. I completely understand this and want to support her but when I suggest looking at options she says she has left it too late, all the accommodation is too far away etc etc.

I have suggested she start cooking her own meals, buying her own food, doing her own washing etc while she lives at home but she says it's not the same - again I get this but I am trying to give her some responsibility whilst she lives at home. I know that these are things an 18 year old should already be doing but her health issues have had an impact on this.

She also says that I am too in control in the house, which again is right - I am a single mum working full time and am probably over-organised and too rigid in my routines, only to make my life easier. This is something I am trying to work on.

Any suggestions as to how I can make the next year more bearable for us all?

Tell her to be a bit grateful, and get organised to look for new accommodation as early as possible this year?

You can sympathise with her, it sounds like she’s had a tough time and the effects are still working through, but ultimately she does need to stop moaning about things that can’t change and look to the future.

What things does she think you’re rigid about? What can you change there?

I would have a look in the higher education sector here. There's sites where students drop out of accommodation. Have a a look on the student room website for information too

I would absolutely 100% have her doing her own washing, definitely.

Cooking is trickier perhaps if you actually like eating with her sometimes?

Of course she's not too late to get accommodation! Think of all the students who go through clearing and don't know where they'll be going to yet.

I'd get her onto this otherwise your next year is going to be hell!

She also says that I am too in control in the house, which again is right - I am a single mum working full time and am probably over-organised and too rigid in my routines, only to make my life easier. This is something I am trying to work on

How much of this control is directly over her and her space? Or is it just common areas of the home?

Two of my dc got into their uni courses after the results day. So mid August - at least a month away. They both got into student accommodation.
The unis won’t have firmed up their accommodation as they need to wait until results day as some students will not get their grades etc.
Also things can still be quite fluid until several weeks into the term.

She has loads of time. If she really wanted to she could sort something out but it seems to me that she really wants to cause issues at home but not get a solution.

Also meant to add - of course you are in control of the house it’s your house you pay the rent/mortgage and bills.

What control does she want you to give up and for her to take on?

100% this!

I have an almost 18yo who just seems to detest the thought of spending time with us, living with us, speaking to us... you get the picture.

We have just had 2 weeks of respite while she went to stay with my single (and much more fun than me!!) younger sister. Do you have any family who can give you a bit of a break?

I will suggest she looks into student accommodation again.

In terms of the 'control' I have, her room is her responsibility and has been for a couple of years. It is a complete mess and I am itching to sort it out but have said that is her space.

Again due to health issues I will drop her to meet friends and pick her up. She doesn't drive yet (still learning). She could catch the bus but has a panic attack when I suggest it. She has missed out on her social life because of her health issues and I want her to meet friends as often as possible.

Definitely not too late to look for student accommodation. Look at the private providers like IQ, unite. Student roost. Has she even tried applying for accommodation at her Uni?

It's a tricky age but does she seem ready to you to leave home and live independently? I wonder if your DD is feeling quite insecure, that she SHOULD be leaving home but isn't ready to? She's using it being too late as an excuse? Friends are saying to her she'll not have freedom at home?

I have a 19 year old who's just finished 1st year and she was well ready to go last year.We looked at the accommodation together but then she chose and applied herself.
Once she knew she had the grades and place was confirmed she joined the Facebook group for her flat and met the others online. She got swept along with all the excitement in last few weeks of deciding who would bring what etc.

I do now, at the end of 1st year, notice a difference in level of parental involvement between DD and her friends who have lived at home for Uni. But that's just a fact of life that it's your house, you run it and it's your rules.

So if she really wants independence then I would take her to look at student accommodation, get her applying to places, help her budget how it's going to be paid for. Explain to her that being mature enough to live away means being able to organise all this (with your guidance). She may then decide it's not what she wants for this year but she can aim for that next year.
She can get a part time job to give her more autonomy over her spending. If she stays at home let her do her own shopping and cook her own meals. Let her come and go as she gets pleases, she can make her meal whatever time she comes in.

Good luck

The freedom she wants isn't the freedom to do her own shopping, cooking and laundry 😂. It's the freedom to come and go as she pleases without comment or questions.

I also get that - but I think being able to look after yourself is part of the freedom package? She is pretty much free to come and go as she pleases now, although as I said relies on me for lifts.

She sounds like an ungrateful brat. I imagine there would still be a way for her to move out into accommodation and look after herself. She just doesn't actually want to but for some reason she's turning it into you being "controlling". How much effort has she actually put into looking at the options?

I find it very hard to believe that she cannot find student accommodation at this stage.

Doesn’t sound remotely controlling to me. How would not giving her a lift be less controlling if she can’t take public transport?

There must be more to it? Otherwise she sounds hugely ungrateful.

I would have a look yourself and see what accommodation is available.
It sounds like she needs a nudge outside the nest, but she doesn't get to complain about it while she's profiting from free accommodation

Which university is she going to? I would imagine there’s loads of time to sort accommodation!

The freedom she wants isn't the freedom to do her own shopping, cooking and laundry

Certainly not laundry no. But the freedom to do their own cooking and shopping is a big thing. No more having to eat broccoli, carrots or new potatoes mum made! My DD 1st year Uni (who is a perfectly good cook) has had pasta with chicken, salmon or tuna every night, maybe with the occasional tomato!
Interspersed with Deliveroo when she's run out of food.
She's put on about a stone in weight!
And she's never had to be worried about being home for mealtimes, she sets her own schedule

I’m sure you didn’t intend to but you’ve painted a
picture of a teenager behaving like an ungrateful brat.

It’s not too late to find student accommodation, she just hasn’t or doesn’t want to look.

She doesn’t want to do her own food shopping, cooking, washing because it “isn’t the same” - what does that even mean?

Her explanation of you being “too in control” is you giving her lifts because she has a panic attack at the thought of getting the bus?

She’s taking the piss, isn’t she, it just sounds like a lot of whining about why you’re stopping her from living her best life while she does absolutely nothing to help herself.

I suggest you have a look yourself for student accommodation and strongly encourage her to move out, although I suspect presented with the accommodation that is allegedly not available she will come up with a shitloads of excuses as to why she can’t.

Is her room big enough so that she can have a sofa in there?
I've given my dd (17, just finished lower 6th but also plans to stay home for foundation year) the converted loft. She has the biggest room and the en suite. It's so she feels a bit of independence - having a whole floor to herself which no one goes up to. She is currently very happy for me to cook and eat together, but I am trying to future proof it when she isn't.
I guess you need to also relax the 'you must be home by x' type things. But she can't treat your home like a hotel - she needs to do own laundry and cook her meals if she doesn't want to stick to your schedule.
If that doesn't look possible, it's unlikely she'll get student accommodation as she lives close by anyway, so maybe a shared house once she gets to know fellow students?

You mention that she is too anxious to travel by bus - I would suggest that she is anxious about university accommodation. I would look up the accommodation situation myself and have an honest conversation as there will be options. If she declines then no problem but I wouldn't be rushing to make any changes at home.

My dd is starting Uni in Sept and we got her accommodation sorted about 4 months ago - thank goodness because there is now NO space in any of the Uni halls. Literally nothing, students will have to privately rent a room somewhere off campus if they're not sorted by now. So, sadly, it might be too late for her.