Failed as a parent

[Broken123]

So my youngest never really has a birthday party so this year for her 14th I went all out, especially after covid and having two lock down birthdays. I Hired a beautiful tee pee tent with lights and beds so she could have a sleep over. The girls from school came round ( can’t say I was keen on them) but I’m always told I’m overbearing and too strict so I tried to relax. At 12 pm I told the girls time to go to the tent as I was going to bed. I zipped up the tent, checked they had what they needed and went to bed. Turns out they then started drinking as one of the other girls had bought alcohol and they also sneaked out of the house to the local park. I woke at 3am went down to check and they were in the tent but were chatting. I told them to go to sleep and that was that. The following Wednesday I am told that my daughter had sent a picture to a boy that contained a picture of one of the girls in her bra. I immediately confiscated the phone without notice so I could check it. There were loads of photos from the party showing the girls drinking and vaping but nothing of the girl in the bra. The boy was spoken to at school and he said what he received was a selfie of my daughter with said other girl in the background. I am told said other girl had a vape in her bra and they were in the toilet vaping. I hasten to add very strongly I would NOT have let them drink or vape or leave the house. No way.

the girl admits there was no maliciousness in the fact that the photo got sent and the photo has been deleted and has not been recirculated. But, the fall out at school has been awful. I’m not defending my stupid child, but I do believe 100 percent it was an accident. For the last three months she has had so much crap at school, people telling her to kill herself, people ignoring her round school, loads of insults on social media, being totally ignored etc etc. it got to the point that she wanted to kill herself. I have now moved her school which has been the most traumatic experience ever.

I just feel like such a failure as a mum. I can’t comprehend how we got here. I’m angry with my daughter but I’m angry with all the other girls too. Really struggling to move on and get some perspective on it.

It was a teenage party that got out of hand. Its a bit of a rite of passage. Don't beat yourself up

Sounds pretty much what me and my friends did at 14. We all turned out alright, it will be fine

Don't take all this to heart. They're teenagers just being really silly and chances are they won't do anything like it again.

Being a mum is so hard, especially when they're teenagers - I can say this as mine are now in their late 20s. They had blips but turned out to be two wonderful sensible adults

Don't worry - you're doing a great job xx

You made such a lovely effort.
It's not your fault.
Unfortunately a lot of teens do this sort of thing from my recent observations of them.
I think if they have good friendship groups that are positive and going somewhere, it really helps, but of course you can't choose their friends/surroundings.

You say you don’t know how to deal with it, clearly your daughter didn’t handle the situations she found herself in very well either.

Im not blaming anyone here, but teen girls are viscous and can be pack led - then he said she said starts and before you know it things get blown into major drama.

I would take her off social media - they can’t get at her when she’s not listening.

Just to understand properly; did your daughter move school as a result of the fallout of the photo and subsequent bullying?
If so, that sounds like a good move to me as it doesn’t sound as if it was a very nice place tbh! So this could be a blessing in disguise.

How is your relationship with your daughter now? That is the most important thing.
Tbh the incident at the party was unfortunate, but it could have been a lot worse.

I think you are being very hard on yourself saying you have failed as a parent. You did a very nice thing for your daughter organising the sleepover.
And it went a bit wrong.
But the people at fault here are the awful bullies at school, not you, and you (if I have understood correctly) have removed your dd from that environment.
So it seems disproportionate to blame yourself.

What in particular is upsetting you so much about this?
Can you articulate it any better?
To me you don’t seem to have done much wrong tbh!
Why then are you being so hard on yourself?
Your dd needs you to model self confidence, cheerfulness, positivity etc.
Can you possibly reframe your mindset that this has all been a big setback but now you are going to put it behind you, have a good summer and start afresh?

I really wouldn't be bothered about any of that and I've got three teenage girls ! That is normal behaviour for 14. Can you think back to when you were that age. I was doing the same. You need to let go a bit. Zipping up the tent and telling them to sleep would have been very embarrassing for your daughter. Why didn't you just leave them to it. They are all fine and no damage has been done

You haven't failed but were rather naive to think a bunch of girls would behave better. What did school do, if anything? Was she bullied before or after the party?

She was bullied after the party. It was awful. Totally awful. School were fine but the other people at school just wouldn’t let it go. They created their own narrative and the school did nothing. She sat in a toilet cubicle at lunch begging me to come and get her. School did nothing about the bullying despite my constant emails up them. She’s now going to a school with amazing pastoral care.

my family have been very judgmental. I’m a weak mother etc etc. I need to control her better.

im a bit gutted because she’s had to give up a gcse choice where she was getting 97% in her exam in that topic but hey ho. Her peace of mind rather than being bullied is more important.

What theme did the bullying take?

By that I mean, what were the other students saying?

That she had sent the picture on purpose. That she was a criminal.

bullying was Total exclusion from everything total blanking. Making nasty comments. Barging into her. Etc etc.