Son caught vaping at school again !

Forgoodnesssakenotagain · 2022-07-07T11:28:36+00:00

So a month or two ago , my son (14) was caught in the boys toilets vaping . I was mortified , upset and shocked . School Called me , three days isolating in school and no phone . I was debating how I should deal with it . Do I shout and go mad ? Or sit down and talk about how bad this is for him etc . I chose the latter , he apologised and was grounded for the weekend .. I didn't go too hard on him , he seemed to get it . Today .. school called , caught again . I really don't know how to address this and I'm really concerned he is now addicted to the nicotine in the vape ! So many teens do this . I'm gutted . Any advice please ? Please be kind. It's my first post 😞

RollingRandomlyRound · 07/07/2022 12:36

My guess is that he does this due to peer pressure or needing to be seen as tough / cool, depending on what kind of school he goes to. He'd be dealt with extremely robustly at our school. Find out if he's the only one and if there are more the school needs to tackle this full on, do assemblies and such like.

Talk to your son and ask him, does he want to be a follower, trouble maker or does he want to be a leader and genuinely tough guy, which means he doesn't need to bend to peer pressure. He need s guidance, and ideally from his father or another trusted male adult. It's one thing for mum to nag and another to be take aside for a talk, man to man. Others may find this old fashioned but boys need strong role models and male 'mentors' or a string and available dad.

If his dad is around, it might help for him to tale about his own challenges when he was a teen and how he overcame them.

RollingRandomlyRound · 07/07/2022 12:37

Ignore typos! 😊

PineappleWilson · 07/07/2022 12:40

I'd agree with @RollingRandomlyRound , find out why he's doing this. "Lots of students do this" isn't a reason for him to do it. Some teens steal, is he going to do that too?

where is he getting the vapes from? If he's buying them at weekends, I'd be finding him something else to do at weekends. Any elderly neighbours need lawns mown and hedges trimmed?

Original poster

Forgoodnesssakenotagain · 07/07/2022 12:43

Thanks both . My partner is the dad figure in his life , maybe I should talk to him about it and see if we can think of a way to deal with this .

I actually signed him up for the gym not long after the first time , a healthy thing he wanted to do , I'm just disappointed!

What do you think is a suitable punishment for this ?
I do also feel it's to 'fit in ' I know when I was 15 and smoking on the girls loos , it was definitely to look cool and fit in !

OP posts:

Oblomov22 · 07/07/2022 13:04

Fit in, with whom? Is this a good crowd? Talk to him about friendship choices.

HardRockOwl · 07/07/2022 13:04

If he is generally a good kid, I probably wouldn't look to punish for this - and yes, I have a 15 year old boy.

What I would do is sit down for another chat. I would say that if this happens again, all money will stop and I'd stop paying for the gym too and all the other bits and pieces that teenagers 'need' on a regular basis.

I'd ask for his vape and the stuff that goes with it and put in bin.

The above , for me, is dependant on how he is in general though. Like I said, if usually relatively well behaved, then I'd match that and tread relatively lightly. I'd encourage openness and talking - you won't get this with flat out punishments

And the vast majority of us smoked, drank, all sorts when we were that age so it's well within the remit of normal behaviour, albeit bloody annoying.

Original poster

Forgoodnesssakenotagain · 07/07/2022 13:10

HardRockOwl · 07/07/2022 13:04

If he is generally a good kid, I probably wouldn't look to punish for this - and yes, I have a 15 year old boy.

What I would do is sit down for another chat. I would say that if this happens again, all money will stop and I'd stop paying for the gym too and all the other bits and pieces that teenagers 'need' on a regular basis.

I'd ask for his vape and the stuff that goes with it and put in bin.

The above , for me, is dependant on how he is in general though. Like I said, if usually relatively well behaved, then I'd match that and tread relatively lightly. I'd encourage openness and talking - you won't get this with flat out punishments

And the vast majority of us smoked, drank, all sorts when we were that age so it's well within the remit of normal behaviour, albeit bloody annoying.

Thank you , you make some good points , he is generally a good kid , I just worry this is more an addiction now ? I mean why does he need nicotine ?! I need to find out where he gets them , and report this .

I know and that's the thing , I know I did sneaky and naughty things I hid as a teen ! So I try and coke at it from an understanding pov

OP posts:

RollingRandomlyRound · 07/07/2022 13:12

I'd ask for his vape and the stuff that goes with it and put in bin.
Yes to this, he is testing boundaries, you show him there is one right there and it must not be crossed.

I wouldn't punish him, he's not a toddler. I feel that as teens, they need to be motivated to change their behaviour and punishment from mummy and daddy is not a great motivator.

Your son's drive to fit in with peers, whoever they are and to find his identity as a young adult and is place in the social pecking order is his main driver at the moment, not what mum and dad think about him.

try and find out he feels unconfident in his peer group, like he doesn't quite fit in with the school crowd. Sometimes this makes dc put on an 'anti' persona to purposefully not fit in by doing stuff like vaping as then it looks like it's their choice rather than not feeling welcome or liked by their peer group.

If this is the case for your ds, find ways to show him it's ok to not always quite fit in and to learn to be comfortable with this. Tell him that he is still finding his feet in the world, to give it time and focus on being a good student, he can find a way to differentiate himself through hobbies and for some it takes time to build confidence. Tell him being a nice and pleasant boy is much better than being a trouble maker in the long run.

Original poster

Forgoodnesssakenotagain · 07/07/2022 13:22

RollingRandomlyRound · 07/07/2022 13:12

I'd ask for his vape and the stuff that goes with it and put in bin.
Yes to this, he is testing boundaries, you show him there is one right there and it must not be crossed.

I wouldn't punish him, he's not a toddler. I feel that as teens, they need to be motivated to change their behaviour and punishment from mummy and daddy is not a great motivator.

Your son's drive to fit in with peers, whoever they are and to find his identity as a young adult and is place in the social pecking order is his main driver at the moment, not what mum and dad think about him.

try and find out he feels unconfident in his peer group, like he doesn't quite fit in with the school crowd. Sometimes this makes dc put on an 'anti' persona to purposefully not fit in by doing stuff like vaping as then it looks like it's their choice rather than not feeling welcome or liked by their peer group.

If this is the case for your ds, find ways to show him it's ok to not always quite fit in and to learn to be comfortable with this. Tell him that he is still finding his feet in the world, to give it time and focus on being a good student, he can find a way to differentiate himself through hobbies and for some it takes time to build confidence. Tell him being a nice and pleasant boy is much better than being a trouble maker in the long run.

Thank you for your helpful reply .
I know ranting and raving won't necessarily help , I need to talk to him again . I though I got through to him last time , I was so calm but firm . He genuinely seems sorry .

The school has taken it away , like the last one . It's just a cheapo one , not a fancy liquidy one . The teacher said they have so so many confiscated vapes .

Do you not think I should take his phone or ground him ?

OP posts:

PineappleWilson · 07/07/2022 13:29

If he's old enough to vape, he's old enough to look at the impact of it. This is a US site but it outlines brain, lung etc. issues caused by it. kidshealth.org/en/teens/e-cigarettes.html. Does he have other friends he can hang around with?

Original poster

Forgoodnesssakenotagain · 07/07/2022 13:35

PineappleWilson · 07/07/2022 13:29

If he's old enough to vape, he's old enough to look at the impact of it. This is a US site but it outlines brain, lung etc. issues caused by it. kidshealth.org/en/teens/e-cigarettes.html. Does he have other friends he can hang around with?

Thanks for that , will have a look .
He has plenty of friends and acquaintances, from what I gathered last time , some of them do it and some don't .

OP posts:

HardRockOwl · 07/07/2022 18:21

No, don't take his phone and don't ground him. Just tell him off, stress you're not comfortable with him doing this again and you don't appreciate another call from the school.

Discuss addiction with him by all means. But know he will probably be inwardly eye rolling because they know everything don't they?

I'd save the absolute cold fury for things that really matter and I'm not quite sure that this is the thing to be dishing out punishments for

Treat him with maturity and you never know - he may respond in kind

wishmyhousetidy · 07/07/2022 19:02

It is so depressing how many teens vape. Mine is and we stopped pocket money and now she has a holiday job so can buy them on her own. The system is corrupt- they just go online and tick that they are 18 and the company takes their money. I found one company she was buying from and rang them and they blocked her account but teens are able to circumvent most blocks. We have always spoke about drugs, smoking etc but totally a waste of time if the friends they have do those things.
I suppose all we can do is be constant, tell the, the risks and hope as they get more mature they make better decisions.

carefullycourageous · 07/07/2022 19:35

I'd focus on this from three angles:

He gets punished by school for vaping on the premises
The health aspects are primarily his problem at that age - your job is to educate him on these
Money - I would tell him I'm not subsidising the vaping and cut his allowance by roughly the amount you think the vaping is costing.

I would also go to school and ask for a conversation about how he is doing generally, what these friends are like etc. - as I think the vaping in school is the really confrontational bit - why is he doing that specifically? I was addicted to cigarettes from a young age but didn't smoke on school premises because I didn't want that punishment.

badhappening · 07/07/2022 21:33

I sympathize.

Apparently it's the new in thing and schools are having a horrendous time with it because of course you can't smell it.

My DS's school is considered to be a very good school, but I know there is a lot of bag searching and a lot wasted teaching time because of it.

They're extremely cheap and you can even get bubblegum flavour ones which of course are aimed at getting kids hooked.

It's a disgrace and something needs to be done about it.