DS 13 - porn

[Emsb2022]

I feel sick. Always been close to DS, trying to think of best way to deal with this. Recently found photos and short videos on his phone of girls masturbating, didn't tell him I'd seen them but had a talk about being respectful to girls, not treating them as objects etc. This morning before he got up, I found on snapchat a video from a girl/ woman asking him to pay to see her, another one asking him to send a dick pic! He hadn't done either but really upset and planning to speak to him when he gets in from school. He has girl friends at school both straight and gay, and he's really respectful to them, and gets on well with them. And I realise boys will be curious about sex, but this is too young and it's inappropriate and I'm worried about the impact it will have on him and future relationships. I'm reaching out to anyone who has had this with their DS and how they dealt with it, not looking for snarky comments - feel bad enough as it is!

Like you said, at his developmental stage it is normal for him to be curious but not for him to be paying for videos or sending any himself. I think an open conversation about what is 'normal' in sex compared to in porn world, consent, the implications of underage activity etc is the best way forward ☺️

The problem with porn is that it normalizes the abnormal and that is the bit you need to concentrate on. Talk with him about sexual relations, about emotions, about how adults relate to one another, about respect, about kindness. His curiosity is normal - and was always so - but now access to explicit and unacceptable behaviours are so easily available for young people to see. They need the counter-balance of normality, and I think you should concentrate on positives.

It must be very hard for young people not to access these things - it is so available and his friends will all be doing it. But he needs to know about the exploitation involved and the need to respect everyone, men and women. He also needs you to concentrate on the normal and the positive. And that you are not disappointed in him - just treat it as something about the world that he needs to understand, like any other information you might impart to him without judgement.

@AverageJoan yes, I'm thinking how to word it, thought about showing the story in the news the other day about that poor boy in Ireland who was blackmailed over dick pics and killed himself and also a girl on This Morning who had pics of her shared all around her school, just devastating - her Mum has written a book about it, I want him to see how close to home this is and also how women in porn are exploited - I'm convincing myself here but want to make sure it gets across to him so it actually goes in and he thinks about it

Personally I wouldn’t just be talking to him I’d be blocking his access and monitoring his internet. Not all 13 year olds are doing this, he’s stepped out of line. 13 year olds can’t always make good decisions they need parents to step in

The porn industry is big business and they actively groom young boys and girls to get hooked. They will have a message at the start of the video saying 'are you man enough to watch this?' You need to be really proactive to counter this kind of grooming, so it is worth explaining that aspect to your son too, that people want to make money off him watching porn.

When you found photos and videos of girls, I hope you don't mean girls his age? Because if they are under age girls then he is breaking the law by having them on his phone even if the sender willingly sent them.

Slightly different take:

He is only 13 so he also needs to understand about grooming and that he is over the age of criminal responsibility.
The 2 individuals have just requested that your child create and distribute child abuse imagery. It has legal implications in the Uk but also if he were to take his phone on holidays.
This would also apply to any images or written data or video which he obtains from others or if he downloads off the internet.
Data is not like lads mags, he is carrying the data with him every day if the phone is automatically backed up onto family storage / server they are there forever more. In most countries with strict rules child sex abuse images are a found in possession of charge with a sex offenders register listing.

The "don't do anything you would be ashamed to do a presentation on, at a school assembly with you sitting in the front row" rule is a good start in the decision making process. He need be reminded that nothing on the Internet/ communications system ever truly disappears, and that he is writing on a modern public postcard.

If the individuals are also children they need to be reported as a safeguarding concern via their school or the police.

Do you know if they are adults? Would your son know them in real life?

They really don't. You'd only have to type Pornhub into Google and before you've even selected a video there is porn playing right there on the first screen. Anyone of any age can access it and it's scary. It's one click away.

I agree, at 13 you need to step in big time.

If you found videos, how do you know he didn't just save them? How do you know they were asking him and he didn't find the video somewhere else, a friend?

Not disbelieving you, just wondering. Was it a direct snap, or from camera roll?

Because obviously if this is actually women/girls soliciting pics that makes it much more serious than if he's just downloaded a random video or saved it from a mate.

Am out at the moment, going to read all your replies as soon I get home, thank you

Thanks for the replies, have been worried all day. Sorry, I used a poor choice of words, they are young women, not girls, I only saw the images and video briefly then blocked and deleted them, i didn't watch the video but could see it was a video, they must draw you in for a minute and then ask you to pay if you want to see more,going by the message underneath. Both of these were on snapchat but couldn't see them on his Google photos. DS will see they have disappeared from Snapchat. Going by your replies (and thanks to the person who pm me) I think I will try the angle that I'm not angry but worried, that it is addictive and he will get more drawn in, that it is grooming, he could be black mailed, that women are used by men and hurt by men to make money out of this, that it's not real life. Blocking seems to be the solution but thinking whether i should give him a chance ie show him I trust him or just do it, I do feel that now it 's started it's going to be hard to go back. I think it is a wake up call, he's always been quite young for his age - but this shows me he has been truly exposed to the adult world

One thing you really need to hit home is that this isn't real sex and it's exploitative- I agree with not getting angry but you do need to make sure he knows that he shouldn't be doing ANYTHING on his phone that he wouldn't be happy for his gran or teacher to see. Put filters on his phone , with Virgin you can do it on line via your account and put blocks on at home too.

Take his phone from him at night, get him to leave it downstairs, tell him if this happens again he'll lose the phone completely and be prepared to carry that through.

Ask him how it made him feel seeing this, he might think it's normal and he should be looking at it or he might be scared.

We're failing our kids making it so easy for porn to be so readily available ,it's awful.

Good luck OP.

I think it is important not to make him feel bad about this - he is showing a normal interest in sex, but that normality is distorted by the things that are accessible online. It is important that he does not feel that his curiosity is essentially bad, just that the images and videos that he has found are bad.

He needs permission to be curious about sex; but information about the seriousness of the route he has chosen to satisfy that curiosity.

He needs to come out of all this feeling that he is an OK human being. And that you are still the mother who loves him and respects him.

I am not sure if there is a DH in the picture here - he might have a role.

Thanks for all the messages. I had 'the talk' with him yesterday, I know he found it a bit cringy but he did listen. He told me it started with a friend sending him pictures but also admitted he'd looked off his own back. He said he knew it wasn't how things are in real life. He said they are discussing porn at school in a lesson he has every week about teenage related issues, so that was good to hear. He did not know about women being exploited- he was quite shocked about that. He also said he had not sent any inappropriate photos or videos, or paid for anything. I told him I wasn't angry, but concerned. I also asked him not to say things he thinks I would want hear - he must want to do it for himself and think of the consequences. I mentioned some female relatives to him and asked how he would feel if photos f them were used in this way. I told him about porn being addictive like drink and drugs, and he would want to keep using it, I hope this hit home. I told him I had deleted the pictures and videos on his phone and he has said he will not look at this stuff on discord or snapchat - the agreement is that the apps will be deleted if this happens. Told him I want us to be able to talk about it, cringy as it is and there's no shame attached - it's all about
Being aware of the effects on himself and what is happening to those women in the photos and videos. A lot to think about, I will see how this goes. I checked his phone this morning, nothing.
Thank you for the advice. It's hard for teenagers now, this stuff is like putting out fires everywhere.

sorry to add to this chat but i have found my 12 year old accessing porn via google on his computer. I dont know how to block it as i have all the settings on microsoft family yet he can still access these sites

You can download Google Family link to block apps

You have to put this app on his phone too so you can access it