16 year old son

[K7111]

My son has had a rocky road for quite a while now. We have been through a lot with him and it all ended horribly when he was excluded permanently from school before ending year 11. He was allowed back for GCSEs and he made us proud by completing them all. But no end of year prom and no leavers assembly with all his friends and he seems distant about where he is going in life, I know it's difficult but I'm doing my best to encourage & support him. This is probably normal for a lot of 16 year olds.

I am now anxious again about his future. He just doesn't seem to care about anything. He has applied to 1 college but doesn't seem to be bothered at all about it. I have sent him links to look at apprenticeships. I maybe overthinking all of this but any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks 😊

Hi,
Just responding as see you haven't had a reply. I am in a similar boat with mine although he managed not get excluded (came close). He has applied for one college course, needs 4 GCSE passes and only put effort in for these (2 are already passed as cambridge cert for PE and high marks in practical elements of music so he will pass even if he does badly on written) the others he did nothing for and some didn't even open the exam papers and just sat there doing nothing. He has absolutely no drive or impetus to do anything, if he doesn't get on to this course he has no back up plan. We did everything in our power to get him to put in effort but there is only so much you can do with them at this age. I don't think you are overthinking, it is very worrying and frustrating for you.
Is there a chance he could be depressed with everything that has gone on as this would affect his motivation.
I think you just have to be there for him. Offering support and options. Perhaps come September when friends are off doing their different courses he will get a reality check and start thinking about it more then.
Sending virtual support your way.

What's the course he's applied for @K7111? Is he getting a job to help support himself through college?

Hi K7,

I read your post I thought I’d offer a few thoughts.

I’m a teacher and see peoples like your son often.

these are just a few initial thoughts but feel free to reply and I’ll help as much as I can.

1. he sounds like he’s feeling quite down about what’s going on in year 11. I would try and highlight that that is all in the past now and he can start a brand-new slate and do whatever he wants
2. You are going to have to be him for a little while. What are his strengths? What is he good at? What did he used to enjoy? If you do a little research on these you may find opportunities that he might be interested in.
3. When you are doing some research for him have a look at the ways he might benefit. He probably won’t want to talk to you about them, so when you are in his presence tell him stories about what you found. Try and make it sound like it’s just an ‘in passing’ comment, like you’re just sharing a story. He doesn’t need to engage with you. You’re just trying to pique his interest and get the ball moving.
4. I’m sure you already are, but be completely non-judgemental.
5. set simple goals that he can achieve each day. When he asks why, tell him that everybody has little goals they do each day and if you do then you can feel proud of yourself.

These five things will not solve all of your problems, but you can get started with them right away and make a measurable difference in his life.

I’ll be happy to help in any way that I can if you gave me more information.

Thank you all for taking time to write back to me, the advice is appreciated. He is a very caring & helpful character and I really think he will be good with kids. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has chosen a business course. I will support him but not 💯 it’s the right course for him, I think he chose that cos his friend was doing it.

Yes I do think he is down, lots changed when his nan suddenly passed away in 2017, then 3 days later his grandad (although he hadn’t seen him for quite some time and that was my doings as he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t cope taking the kids to see him). My husband and I have lost all parents now. i lost my mum at a young age (in my 20’s) and i didn’t start my grieving until I had my first child and it’s been an ongoing loss so I guess I suffer with depression on and off (that doesn’t help).

But I am focused on my son but don’t know how to help as he pushes everyone away. He doesn’t talk to us about anything :-(

Thank you all for taking time to write back to me, the advice is appreciated. He is a very caring & helpful character and I really think he will be good with kids. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has chosen a business course. I will support him but not 💯 it’s the right course for him, I think he chose that cos his friend was doing it.

Yes I do think he is down, lots changed when his nan suddenly passed away in 2017, then 3 days later his grandad (although he hadn’t seen him for quite some time and that was my doings as he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t cope taking the kids to see him). My husband and I have lost all parents now. i lost my mum at a young age (in my 20’s) and i didn’t start my grieving until I had my first child and it’s been an ongoing loss so I guess I suffer with depression on and off (that doesn’t help).

But I am focused on my son but don’t know how to help as he pushes everyone away. He doesn’t talk to us about anything :-(

Thank you all for taking time to write back to me, the advice is appreciated. He is a very caring & helpful character and I really think he will be good with kids. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has chosen a business course. I will support him but not 💯 it’s the right course for him, I think he chose that cos his friend was doing it.

Yes I do think he is down, lots changed when his nan suddenly passed away in 2017, then 3 days later his grandad (although he hadn’t seen him for quite some time and that was my doings as he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t cope taking the kids to see him). My husband and I have lost all parents now. i lost my mum at a young age (in my 20’s) and i didn’t start my grieving until I had my first child and it’s been an ongoing loss so I guess I suffer with depression on and off (that doesn’t help).

But I am focused on my son but don’t know how to help as he pushes everyone away. He doesn’t talk to us about anything :-(

Thank you all for taking time to write back to me, the advice is appreciated. He is a very caring & helpful character and I really think he will be good with kids. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has chosen a business course. I will support him but not 💯 it’s the right course for him, I think he chose that cos his friend was doing it.

Yes I do think he is down, lots changed when his nan suddenly passed away in 2017, then 3 days later his grandad (although he hadn’t seen him for quite some time and that was my doings as he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t cope taking the kids to see him). My husband and I have lost all parents now. i lost my mum at a young age (in my 20’s) and i didn’t start my grieving until I had my first child and it’s been an ongoing loss so I guess I suffer with depression on and off (that doesn’t help).

But I am focused on my son but don’t know how to help as he pushes everyone away. He doesn’t talk to us about anything :-(

Thank you all for taking time to write back to me, the advice is appreciated. He is a very caring & helpful character and I really think he will be good with kids. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has chosen a business course. I will support him but I am not 💯 it’s the right course for him, I think he chose that cos his friend was doing it.

Yes I do think he is down, lots changed when his nan suddenly passed away in 2017, then 3 days later his grandad (although he hadn’t seen him for quite some time and that was my doings as he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t cope taking the kids to see him). My husband and I have lost all parents now. i lost my mum at a young age (in my 20’s) and i didn’t start my grieving until I had my first child and it’s been an ongoing loss so I guess I suffer with depression on and off (that doesn’t help).

But I am focused on my son but don’t know how to help as he pushes everyone away. He doesn’t talk to us about anything :-(

Thank you all for taking time to write back to me, the advice is appreciated. He is a very caring & helpful character and I really think he will be good with kids. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has chosen a business course. I will support him but I am not 💯 it’s the right course for him, I think he chose that cos his friend was doing it.

Yes I do think he is down, lots changed when his nan suddenly passed away in 2017, then 3 days later his grandad (although he hadn’t seen him for quite some time and that was my doings as he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t cope taking the kids to see him). My husband and I have lost all parents now. i lost my mum at a young age (in my 20’s) and i didn’t start my grieving until I had my first child and it’s been an ongoing loss so I guess I suffer with depression on and off (that doesn’t help).

But I am focused on my son but don’t know how to help as he pushes everyone away. He doesn’t talk to us about anything :-(

Thank you all for taking time to write back to me, the advice is appreciated. He is a very caring & helpful character and I really think he will be good with kids. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has chosen a business course. I will support him but I am not 💯 it’s the right course for him, I think he chose that cos his friend was doing it.

Yes I do think he is down, lots changed when his nan suddenly passed away in 2017, then 3 days later his grandad (although he hadn’t seen him for quite some time and that was my doings as he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t cope taking the kids to see him). My husband and I have lost all parents now. i lost my mum at a young age (in my 20’s) and i didn’t start my grieving until I had my first child and it’s been an ongoing loss so I guess I suffer with depression on and off (that doesn’t help).

But I am focused on my son but don’t know how to help as he pushes everyone away. He doesn’t talk to us about anything :-(

I think when teens don't seem to care about stuff, it is self-protection. They don't dare care about stuff.

You don't say what he did, but if it was mistreating others, threatening staff or bullying fellow students, you need to work with him on this. If he needs anger management, support this too.

Reassure him that everyone in the entire world makes mistakes, huge mistakes. His have caught up with him. But he is not defined by them. You are proud of him sitting his exams and you are confident he will find his way at college, establish new friendships, resolve issues differently etc.

You could make a list with him of all the issues he had that led to his exclusion. Point out that this is a very uncomfortable thing to do but that doesn't mean it's not worth doing. Most things worth doing get uncomfortable. Then pick off one issue each day and discuss how he could handle it differently. Do this for just 15 minutes (set a timer) so he doesn't feel cornered and then stop and change the subject. have some subjects lined up to move the conversation around. A good technique is to ask his help for something - maybe tech or could he help move a bit of furniture - something that makes him feel useful.

If he has friendship issues due to being dropped from the school's social calendar, encourage him to make new friends over the summer by signing up to a sports, tech, science or drama summer school or youth club, and by getting a part time job if he can.

Thank you all for taking time to write back to me, the advice is appreciated. He is a very caring & helpful character and I really think he will be good with kids. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has chosen a business course. I will support him but I am not 💯 it’s the right course for him, I think he chose that cos his friend was doing it.

Yes I do think he is down, lots changed when his nan suddenly passed away in 2017, then 3 days later his grandad (although he hadn’t seen him for quite some time and that was my doings as he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t cope taking the kids to see him). My husband and I have lost all parents now. i lost my mum at a young age (in my 20’s) and i didn’t start my grieving until I had my first child and it’s been an ongoing loss so I guess I suffer with depression on and off (that doesn’t help).

But I am focused on my son but don’t know how to help as he pushes everyone away. He doesn’t talk to us about anything :-(

Thank you all for taking time to write back to me, the advice is appreciated. He is a very caring & helpful character and I really think he will be good with kids. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has chosen a business course. I will support him but I am not 💯 it’s the right course for him, I think he chose that cos his friend was doing it.

Yes I do think he is down, lots changed when his nan suddenly passed away in 2017, then 3 days later his grandad (although he hadn’t seen him for quite some time and that was my doings as he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t cope taking the kids to see him). My husband and I have lost all parents now. i lost my mum at a young age (in my 20’s) and i didn’t start my grieving until I had my first child and it’s been an ongoing loss so I guess I suffer with depression on and off (that doesn’t help).

But I am focused on my son but don’t know how to help as he pushes everyone away. He doesn’t talk to us about anything :-(

Thank you all for taking time to write back to me, the advice is appreciated. He is a very caring & helpful character and I really think he will be good with kids. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has chosen a business course. I will support him but I am not 💯 it’s the right course for him, I think he chose that cos his friend was doing it.

Yes I do think he is down, lots changed when his nan suddenly passed away in 2017, then 3 days later his grandad (although he hadn’t seen him for quite some time and that was my doings as he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t cope taking the kids to see him). My husband and I have lost all parents now. i lost my mum at a young age (in my 20’s) and i didn’t start my grieving until I had my first child and it’s been an ongoing loss so I guess I suffer with depression on and off (that doesn’t help).

But I am focused on my son but don’t know how to help as he pushes everyone away. He doesn’t talk to us about anything :-(

Thank you all for taking time to write back to me, the advice is appreciated. He is a very caring & helpful character and I really think he will be good with kids. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has chosen a business course. I will support him but I am not 💯 it’s the right course for him, I think he chose that cos his friend was doing it.

Yes I do think he is down, lots changed when his nan suddenly passed away in 2017, then 3 days later his grandad (although he hadn’t seen him for quite some time and that was my doings as he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t cope taking the kids to see him). My husband and I have lost all parents now. i lost my mum at a young age (in my 20’s) and i didn’t start my grieving until I had my first child and it’s been an ongoing loss so I guess I suffer with depression on and off (that doesn’t help).

But I am focused on my son but don’t know how to help as he pushes everyone away. He doesn’t talk to us about anything :-(

Thank you all for taking time to write back to me, the advice is appreciated. He is a very caring & helpful character and I really think he will be good with kids. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has chosen a business course. I will support him but I am not 💯 it’s the right course for him, I think he chose that cos his friend was doing it.

Yes I do think he is down, lots changed when his nan suddenly passed away in 2017, then 3 days later his grandad (although he hadn’t seen him for quite some time and that was my doings as he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t cope taking the kids to see him). My husband and I have lost all parents now. i lost my mum at a young age (in my 20’s) and i didn’t start my grieving until I had my first child and it’s been an ongoing loss so I guess I suffer with depression on and off (that doesn’t help).

But I am focused on my son but don’t know how to help as he pushes everyone away. He doesn’t talk to us about anything :-(

He was caught with a small bit of weed. They had a zero tolerance and that was that. Lucky to go back for exams

He was caught with a small bit of weed. They have a zero tolerance and that was that. Lucky to go back for exams.