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DippyDoppy123 · 2022-07-04T17:06:51+00:00

After a difficult period of time at school in terms of friendships my Dd1 appeared to be turning a corner and was walking home with one girl, texting a boy and generally putting herself ‘out there.’ However, she seems to be so scared of rejection and she seems really poor at moving the relationships on. We have encouraged her to invite the friend she walks home with in and offering her a drink etc but she refuses or comes up with an excuse. The relationship with the boy is purely online as both are really shy but he has made an effort to talk at school but Dd1 refuses to initiate conversation back. I’m so worried that these green shoots of friendship are going to vanish, especially over the summer holidays. I also know that she’s the only one who can turn this situation around and that we can only support and ‘be there for her.’ she’s a lovely girl but really prickly when she feels vulnerable and I think this doesn’t help. Any wise words?

Mediumred · 07/07/2022 02:31

Ugh! So hard, ours seems similar, she is very funny about her home space and has found it easier to arrange meet-ups on neutral ground such as mooching about the shops/going to a coffee shop or park? Teens are hard, slightly dreading the summer too! Is there some stuff you might do with her? I think my teen quite likes it if I organise a few bits for us, shows mum still cares and takes the pressure off. Good luck!

JustHarriet · 07/07/2022 03:41

Your daughter sounds smart! She's had the experience of difficult friendships and now she's moving cautiously. I would tell her how smart she is for doing this! Part of making friends is checking how you feel as a result of being with them, and watching how they act over time to see if you like the way they act or whether the way they act makes you feel uncomfortable. Also to detect if their actions match up with their words. So talk to her about what she is looking for in her friends - kindness, listening, respect, etc. I'd also be cautious about wanting her to hurry into a relationship with a boy, if that is where it is heading. There may be a very smart reason why she doesn't talk to him at school, perhaps if she is seen talking to him she will be labelled or teased for being his 'girlfriend', or worse? Instead of focussing on encouraging her friendships I would focus on what gives her happiness, and what can she do for herself that makes her happy, like encouraging her hobbies or interests that she can do on her own, or with a club. This is the most important thing because to find good friends you need to be solid enough to say goodbye to the ones who don't treat you well, which means you need to be comfortable in your own company. So focus on helping your daughter learning about her own likes and preferences so she can be comfortable in her own skin.

Original poster

DippyDoppy123 · 08/07/2022 06:41

Mediumred · 07/07/2022 02:31

Ugh! So hard, ours seems similar, she is very funny about her home space and has found it easier to arrange meet-ups on neutral ground such as mooching about the shops/going to a coffee shop or park? Teens are hard, slightly dreading the summer too! Is there some stuff you might do with her? I think my teen quite likes it if I organise a few bits for us, shows mum still cares and takes the pressure off. Good luck!

Thanks for replying- yes luckily we have a good relationship and do things as a family. She does a few out of school clubs/hobbies as well and has siblings so feel she does have quite a happy life.
good advice to do things away from home-think that’s her sanctuary and she’s Reluctant to share it.
take care x

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Original poster

DippyDoppy123 · 08/07/2022 06:59

JustHarriet · 07/07/2022 03:41

Your daughter sounds smart! She's had the experience of difficult friendships and now she's moving cautiously. I would tell her how smart she is for doing this! Part of making friends is checking how you feel as a result of being with them, and watching how they act over time to see if you like the way they act or whether the way they act makes you feel uncomfortable. Also to detect if their actions match up with their words. So talk to her about what she is looking for in her friends - kindness, listening, respect, etc. I'd also be cautious about wanting her to hurry into a relationship with a boy, if that is where it is heading. There may be a very smart reason why she doesn't talk to him at school, perhaps if she is seen talking to him she will be labelled or teased for being his 'girlfriend', or worse? Instead of focussing on encouraging her friendships I would focus on what gives her happiness, and what can she do for herself that makes her happy, like encouraging her hobbies or interests that she can do on her own, or with a club. This is the most important thing because to find good friends you need to be solid enough to say goodbye to the ones who don't treat you well, which means you need to be comfortable in your own company. So focus on helping your daughter learning about her own likes and preferences so she can be comfortable in her own skin.

Thank you- such good advice and I hadn’t thought of things In that way 🙈
one of her best friends in primary turned against her and also managed to turn her previously close friendship group as well so I should understand her feeling cautious in entering new relationships.
Thankfully the relationship with the boy is purely platonic as it sounds like they have their own issues going on- dd has been telling me this over the past few days. Think they are both very shy but find chatting online easy.
lots to think about and I appreciate your message x

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