Please help me with ways to deal with persistent school lateness.

[CrazyRatLover]

My teen went through a traumatic experience. She has lost all motivation for school and cannot get to school on time. We chat about things in a constructive way on how to help things. Nothing works, no amount of encouragement and punishing doesn't work or help (I've been advised that punishment is totally the wrong thing to do anyway considering what she's been going through.)

We're having another chat later. She is half an hour to an hour late. When she makes an improvement to just half an hour late, I give her lots of praise.

Consistently refusing any kind of counselling, has done for about a year.

I've expressed how important it is to be on time, for future college...a job in later life etc. Nothing is helping. I have to go to work before she leaves for school. Every single day I ask her to be on time. I can't even help her by giving a lift.

I'm very proud of her for actually making it in every day, and I tell her this. She's getting at least one detention a week, which also isn't deterring her!

Please tell me where I'm going wrong please, what else can I do?

Thanks.

Do you think it’s rooted in anxiety about going in?

Yes absolutely! She really doesn't like it.

In what way is she late? Late getting up, late leaving the house, late arriving at school? That might help us give you suggestions.

Does she have friends or a trusted member of staff who she could meet at the school gate as she goes in? Does she struggle to cope with the crowds at the start of school (in which an arrangement to arrive 10 minutes late and enter alone may be a reasonable adjustment).

Thanks for the reply.
She gets up reasonably okay and she's nearly ready when I leave, it's just getting into school.
She's been bullied but that has got much better. School allowed her to come in 10 minutes later than everyone else, which is 8.40. But she still doesn't get in til around 9.30 some days. She goes in with her friend, but I think they're both feeling the same about it all.

If you leave for work before she leaves for school is it possible for you to walk with/ drive her on your way to work so that she is early for school or do you leave hours before?

Can you ask her to text you to say she has left, so you know she has gone in, such that you have time to phone her if she doesn't.

Can she go to a different school?

Can she arrange to go in with someone else?

I'd honestly leave it for now and see if things improve after summer. The fact is she is going in to school, late isn't ideal but could too much pushing possibly push her the other way into refusing to go altogether? Give her time to recover and be consistent and clear on the expectations and hopefully she will get there in her own time.

Can you arrange to flex your hours for 6 months so you have a later start and can support her getting to school on time?

I would also change school, bullying is an additional trauma and a clean start somewhere new might be beneficial.

School did deal with the bullying at the time, but things carried on, even after one girl got excluded. The bullies just denied everything....School said they'd keep an eye on things. When my daughter told teachers about the ongoing issues, they told her that they'd deal with it, but my daughter didn't want them to say anything to the ones in question as it didn't make a difference to how they were picked on.

They still call her names but at much lower level. So I completely understand her unwilling but just wish she'd make the effort for at least 9am every day.

Do I just I leave it and be thankful that she's making it in every day?

I'd be taking some time out from work and dropping her at school in the morning. Can you do this?

They still call her names?
I don't blame your daughter for not wanting to go to school or being late. I think the school has done a shitty job of dealing with the bullies from the little bit you've told us.
I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this, I know school isn't great for a lot of kids but at this point the school needs to do something more.
Could she move school?
I think like others have said don't push her too much x

Thank you for all the lovely replies.
She was really forthcoming and brought up the conversation. She said this is where it ends! (she really wants to make the effort). The name calling has stopped. The reason she doesn't like going in at a specific time is because of all the hustle and bustle to the start of the day. There are a lot of troublesome kids there... if I start on that one, it'll take all day. Basically the school is full of scroats. She doesn't want to go to another school.
We have a meeting at school regarding the attendance and I will bring up the problems she faces at the start of the day.
She's talking really positively and I'm really proud of her. She says she's going to 'jump' out of bed tomorrow, instead of procrastinating!
Thanks guys!

So glad to hear she's feeling more positive. I think your handling it really well as well I hope that doesn't sound condescending. Being a parent is bloody hard!! X

@hellobeautifulsoul thank you very much! No it's not condescending at all, it's nice of you to say. It is hard work yes, I have 2 teens and life is very eventful! X

Thank you to everyone though for the comments, much appreciated, I've read them all.

I went through something similar with my daughter so I know how difficult it is.

As someone else has said, I'd leave it for now with the summer holidays looming and just encourage her to go in. Getting there late is better than not getting there at all.

When they go back in September see how she goes on and if she is still late going in speak to the school and ask them to deal with it (but not by punishing her for being late). You continue to remind her each morning to get there on time but let school put something in place to encourage her to get there on time and help her when she does. That way it isn't an issue she needs to deal with at home, making home a "safe" place from it all. But let her know that you are working with the school to put something in place to help her.

Incidentally, my daughter is now 19 and has a job. She is never, ever late for work!

@Frenzi thank you for your reply. Sorry just noticed this.

I'm sorry your daughter went through the same but glad things are good now. Do you mind me asking her reasons for struggling to go in?

Well she followed through with what she intended to do, and the next morning she was amazing, she made it in for 8.40! I praised her loads and she was really pleased herself. Her form teacher was really shocked and made a slight joke about it, which she found funny.

Yes, I'm going to ask the teachers to reward her more. One thing I've learned about this is, putting pressure on her is not the thing to do.

I can’t believe you think you’re doing anything wrong… you sound amazingly calm, focused and supportive.

For what it’s worth my dd was late every day of y11, and that was with me driving her to the door. Sometimes after 9, sometimes 9.30. I eventually decided after trying everything from getting angry, pleading, encouraging, getting breakfast on the way… soooo many things…. I gave up and left her to it and she was …. Still late, totally consistent.

I found that my input was largely irrelevant and that stressing over it made it worse in that it created a bad atmosphere.

I think your daughter sounds like she has real drive to be going into such an appalling, aggressive environment every day, and like you I’d be applauding her efforts.
if she can stand the detentions it may just be easier to let her manage this one in her own way.

@Luckything50 thank you. I've made mistakes and on occasion haven't been as calm, which I regret. It's all a learning curve really. We've been through lots.

I'm sorry you were in the same situation, it's interesting when you say that nothing helped because, as a mum you like to think that you can nip things in the bud with behaviour and challenges, and I didn't expect it to go on for so long.

Thank you, yes she seems determined and I'm proud of her for that. I agree to let her manage it in her own way.

Thanks again X