Introverted teen dd.

[Rupertpenrysmistress]

Hi all, my dd 14 is very very introverted, I have always known this, but this is currently a huge problem and I am very worried.

Dd is due to go into year 10 and new classes due to GCSE choices, she is currently in tears, very negative and saying she hates being like she is, she has no friends, is horrible etc. I have given advice (I am also an introvert but not to this extent) but I am really lost as how to help practically.

My parents were always tough love, I have discussed how life is difficult, we all have to do things we dread and often they are not that bad. I have said she will likely make new friends, she says she won't, she can't talk to anyone she freeze's. I have contacted the school to see if they can offer any advice. I do want to teach her to sort out her own problems but she is so sad. Has anyone any advice or any success stories with similar teens. I do feel really gutted for her, I can't see how she will get a job/interview etc.

this must be worrying- she’s in the perfect storm of hormones/ teens etc. you sound a lovely mum- she’s talking to you. That’s so important.
what interests her? Gaming/ craft/ manga/ sport/ anything else? Can you help her explore interests that she could get involved in, outside school? Volunteering opportunities- library summer reading scheme? Or cooking/ gardening? Some sort of fun summer project?

And one thing my dd has found has helped her massively was drama lessons- Lambda. V useful for confidence building.

Or animals/ pets/ helping at a rescue etc?

Thanks for replying, she has limited interests as that requires interaction. I will look into those suggestions though particularly volunteering and animals. I have just referred her for counselling via our local council, it helps with low self esteem, this offers group support and I thought that would be good, like minded people but no. I do feel partly responsible as I am similar and know you can overcome it but, here we are..

It sounds more like social anxiety than just being an introvert (& I say this as a very introverted person!).
CBT can be quite effective - my husband had a course of sessions for social anxiety through the local NHS talking therapy service & found it helpful - & there are self-help CBT workbooks available that you can do at home too.

That is interestingAwkward I will have a look, she is constantly being told at school she is too quiet, needs to speak up and specifically put in social situations which just makes her worse. I did mention CBT to her as I found it helpful. Thank you. It really is debilitating and some people just don't understand.

I attend a group because I struggle with various aspects of my mental health. The best thing is that it is a ‘craft’ group so there is always something to do and we can chat if we want to.
I was wondering if she could find a group that does a hobby she likes, so she has something to do and will gradually start feeling easier around others and maybe even join in with a bit of chat. Doesn’t just have to be with people her own age.

Have you considered that your DD may have selective mutism? My daughter had this growing up and your DD sounds very similar. If that is the case, she may need more specialist help than just CBT

I will look at groups for her, I don't mind going. I have not considered selective mutism, I guess it's possible.

There's a great book called Quiet (Susan Cain) which really helped me understand myself, accept and even embrace my introversion - but you can be introverted without finding social situations stressful or scary, so it dies sound like there is more going on.

I need to space out socialising & schedule in time to recharge, but I can attend events, present at a meeting etc. without freezing up or feeling very anxious. Open plan offices and long commutes drain me, and I do much better working from home in my own environment and using headphones or a book to cope when I do have to travel in. My method of recharging is different to extrovert colleagues (they'd often want a chat mid-afternoon to boost their energy, whereas I'd be flagging and need to go do some photocopying or proofreading quietly on my own to recharge).

I feel much better about myself since understanding introversion (& that I'm not a broken extrovert - we just have different strengths).

Does she actually have no friends?

She does have friends but really only one proper friend. Friends she sits with at school/lunch but, because she is so quiet I think she is seen as unfriendly and 'snobby' so doesn't go out with any of them. There is the one friend she sees socially occasionally.

I have a good relationship with dd and she does talk to me, I can see why people can't really be bothered as she seems like hard work. Throughout school (including infants) the teachers have always said she is too quiet, she literally freezes, I feel so awkward for her. If she needs to present at school she literally melts down, her recent parents evening involved the teacher saying she needs to make more effort to talk, I replied that this is her personality and doing that makes it worse.

I really want to help her, but feel quite lost. Someone upthread mentioned selective mutism and she fits the criteria. I was thinking it might be worth me trying to access a counsellor privately. I am desperate for her to gain some coping mechanisms before she gets much older.

If you think she does have selective mutism these people are a good place to start looking for help. www.selectivemutism.org.uk/info-where-to-get-help-with-selective-mutism/

Is there a chance she may be neurodiverse? She sounds exactly like me growing up with autism.

The way the school are handling it by putting her into difficult situations and trying to make her more outgoing is the worst thing they can do for her. It will just make things worse.

It is probably a good idea to see a GP as well as a counsellor since GPs can either diagnose or refer her on to mental health services.

I was just going to mention this too.
Girls present so much differently than boys.

I feel rather confused right now, I started this thread as I thought dd was introverted however, I have been given lots of other things to consider that I didn't even think of.

I am not sure if it's just social anxiety, the selective mutism does sound a bit like her. I am not convinced she is not NT but having said that, I don't even know how I would know this. I have put her on a waiting list for youth counselling which specialises in social anxiety and the like.

I will look at some of the suggestions on this thread, I have had Very supportive response from her high school in less than a day so, feel less worried now. I appreciate all the comments and suggestions on here, it has really helped.

Being introverted isn't really about being shy and quiet it's about how you recharge. I'm a teacher, I spend all day talking and standing in front of 30+ students presenting. When I go home I prefer to make myself a tea and go chill in my bedroom or garden and read for 30 mins or so and then I'm ready to go and be with my DD and discuss her day etc. I find being at parties etc enjoyable but draining whereas extroverts would find that environment recharges them.

As others have said look down the ND and selective mutism route neither are uncommon. Her teachers sound awful if they are putting pressure on her to speak. My greatest teaching moment this year was when a 13 Yr old with selective mutism started to put his hand up in my class, prior to this I would go around and check his learning 1:1 asking him a question and leaving him to think on the answer for a couple of minutes before I went back to him, sometimes he'd write the answer down, sometimes he would tell me. His hand is never down now which is fantastic.

My own DD is very introverted and she quite enjoyed competitive swimming as her head was in the water and she didn't need to talk to anyone. She does girls rugby now that has been fabulous for her confidence and also her body positivity, she has always been much taller and atheletic than her dainty peers but rugby being for every shape has made a big difference. They had an end of season awards evening and she was sat chatting away in a way I hadn't seen at other similar events.

Just to add that my immediate thought was also selective mutism as she sounds very like DS15. His was picked up around Y2 and he followed a programme for a few years based on Maggie Johnson’s SM manual which brought huge improvement eg he will speak to a teacher if teacher asks a question. But socially he sounds exactly like your DD - he has one close friend and refuses to attend any activities.

You sound like a fantastic teacher, my dd was always pulled up in not speaking out like the Ops daughter so all it created was a fear of School, I had to raise it at parents evening with a teacher who singled my daughter out. Dreadful woman, we need more understanding teachers like yourself.

You sound like a wonderful teacher

FAQs I was a TA before I started teaching. I have far more experience than the average teacher who gets a tiny snippet during teacher training and then left to their own devices. I think all teachers should have to do at least a year as a TA supporting in class before completing training.

This website has a good rundown of ASD presentation is females.

www.highspeedtraining.co.uk/hub/autism-females/

Fantastic idea, that would make a huge difference!

My daughter starts her teaching degree in Sept, the teacher I mentioned has inadvertently inspired her to teach.

She doesn’t want another child to make her feel how she did.