Difficult divorce - 15yr old DD with her dad

[PaleBlueStar]

I feel ashamed of my life.

I am almost divorced from my X after a difficult and unhappy marriage.

He refused to work and put himself in charge of kids and wouldn't let me get a look in.

I wrote this open letter which was published on my DS's 9th birthday. My X and kids away skiing at the time. I've still never been.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/mar/08/letter-to-husband-at-home

Divorce was expensive and I even had to pay him redundancy from his 2hr invoicing a month 'job'. He was angry and bitter. And still is.

Our DS (17) lives with me in my poxy rental while I try and buy. He's already bought and our lives DD with him. None of this agreed and I actually thought we'd talked about 50/50 with DD. She's just finished her GCSE's.

My big issue is that I hardly see my DD. She's always with her dad and won't come to visit unless he's away and then stays over

She's just told me she won't come on holiday with me for a few days (with her grand parents too) but is going away (and brother) for 2.5 weeks with her dad, his GF whom he met through mutual friends. Think there is going to be 6 teens so I can see the lure.

I love her and when I do see her she's sweet. But she's 15 mins from my door and I can't get her out for a pizza or a coffee unless it's Mother's Day or my birthday.

My business is going well. I've won an award and am on Radio 4 as an expert. I'm not dating anyone. Have lost loads of weight but I feel a bit too fragile for OLD.

I just feel so sad and such a failure. When I'm supposed to be showing everyone how happy I am. I miss my daughter. I couldn't stay in that marriage but I feel I'm still being punished.

Unfortunately she's at an age where she can choose what she does and who she spends time with. If the divorce was that messy then there's no doubt that as primary caregiver she would choose her father and has listened to anything he's said about you yo her probably causing alienation. You just need to keep your door open and try and maintain some form of contact and if she wants to come to you later then she can. Very sorry op this must be difficult

I remember reading that letter. It's painful to see how the desire for anachronistic gender roles can destroy a relationship.

I remember reading that letter too, and finding it surprising.

It sounds like you don't place much value on your XH's contribution to the marriage - perhaps that is justified; it's impossible for outsiders to judge what goes on in a marriage. But the job of running a household, managing children, being involved with teenagers' lives is not to be dismissed out of hand.

It's obviously gone better between you and DS as he is living with you. Why do you think that is? (Analysing this may shed light on the situation with your DD)

My X was a SAHD without my blessing. He gave up work before we had kids. But I loved him, I lived with it. I was also at home (been for 12 years) and wanted to do more than work. I don’t think it’s unreasonable.

I had an older daughter whom I missed out on because I had to work a lot as a young single mum and so she was with my mother a lot. X knew this and we agreed we’d both be part time. She was 17 when we met. I have a good relationship with her now.

When I had cancer I begged him to work but he wouldn’t.

It’s easy to assume that SAHD do what a SAHM might. I still got involved with as much as I could. But yes he definitely carved this role as primary carer and made all the decisions. What we spent money on, where we went on holiday, the house, the garden, the kids and animals.

My DS is more like me and my DD is more like her dad. They have always been a tight little twosome and it was lovely to see. She’s happy with her dad and I’m happy too. I just miss her.

My X had a very poor relationship
with DS which is much improved now they don’t live together. I’m pleased about that. Our DD had a very different childhood to her brother. He was too like me and that caused issues.

I realise we had a Co dependant relationship. I didn’t set boundaries. Had low self esteem and poor communication skills as evidenced by me writing to a National newspaper to try and get a voice. I’m owning all that and working on it. I don’t want to be needy or manipulative and I try and be as easy going and laid back as I can.

All you can do is tell her how you feel and how much you miss her. If she still doesn't take you up on dinner or staying over, then sadly that's her choice. It might not always be this way though, she might "come back" to you when she's older.

I don’t have any answers I’m sorry just wanted to say you sound like a great mum and I’m sure your dd knows that. I’m sure as she gets older she’ll realise more what you gave up for her to have the home life she did have. Maybe in his eyes he did all the hard work it’s a difficult one isn’t it. However I hear you and in time your dd will too.