I really need to vent. I’m not sure there are solutions right now.
DS is 17, he has PDA. Parenting is done in a deliberately calm, non confrontational, low demand way, and it generally works. He doesn’t have meltdowns, he has a part time job and is doing well, he has been to college in the last year and is hoping to carry on in September, so all in all things are good, particularly considering things used to be really difficult all the time. It means that my life is spent putting things in place so he can manage. He is in denial that he needs support and tends to be demanding and arrogant, but without the support things fall apart. I’m trying to slowly shift some small responsibilities on to him, but it’s slow going.
The problem is me. I’m also autistic. I think I’m quite burnt out and that’s affecting how I’m managing.
Ds has a girlfriend. We’ve had countless conversations that he must ask if she can stay over, out of courtesy (I find it difficult having extra people in the house without notice, plus money is tight and it’s an extra person to feed) but because it suits him he doesn’t understand why he has to ask me. She came over last night unexpectedly, and ds has announced that I’ll be taking her home today or she’ll be here until Thursday. I’ve reacted badly to this, and have ended up having a (pointless) rant at ds that I’m fed up of being his servant and being taken for granted - he does nothing to contribute, he says that it’s my job to do everything or I’m lazy and neglectful (I ignore this).
I just feel so overwhelmed with it all right now. I don’t work because of his needs, and right now I feel taken for granted and sick of it.
He’s considering not returning to college and just working full time, which would be fine, but I’ve pointed out that he will then have to pay some rent, I won’t be able to pick him up from work for his lunch as I’ll have to work (again, fine, I think I’d rather work and spend my days with rational adults!), and he’ll have to contribute to some household stuff, like making his own meals sometimes, tidying/cleaning up after himself. But apparently this is unacceptable. None of that can possibly happen until he’s 18, as he’s still a child 
, and that I’m unreasonable to even suggest this, and that I’m always angry and shout at him (which isn’t true).
I am trying to slowly shift things - he needs time to adjust. I “work” (go and see my sister for cups of tea) one day a week so he needs to start doing some things for himself, but so far it’s not really doing anything, and I come home (after 2 hours) to chaos as he’s so destructive and messy, but I’m reluctant to lose that time.
Anyway, not sure what I wanted out of this. A need to rant certainly. I don’t like that I’m feeling resentful towards him. It’s pointless and doesn’t help anyone. The thought of him moving out keeps me going most days at the moment, and that’s awful because he is disabled, and in the scheme of things we have things so much easier than others I know with a similar situation.