DD struggling with friends

[Teenissues2022]

I am losing the will to live with DD and friendship drama. How on earth does a teen become popular and meet new people? My DD is 17 and in sixth form and I seem to have spent most of her school life telling her to "ignore them and play with someone else". I really thought by the time we got to sixth form that she would have found some of her own tribe and formed some friendships with people to socialise with outside of school. The school environment just seems to be toxic, with a load of false people who feed off drama.

Every time she seems to make some new friends, some drama erupts and she ends up being pushed out of the group. The girls seem to be such bitches, and with social media I just despair for the mental health of the youth of today. She has tried to integrate in with other people and doesn't seem to be able to progress past just casually hanging out at school. Then sees on social media people out and about at this party and that party to which she is not invited. Everyone else seems to her to forge connections with others which she just doesn't seem to be able to do. She never seems to be popular and a recently planned school trip sees her being the only person who hasn't got someone to share with for accommodation. She is questioning why she is unlikeable and her confidence is next to none :-(

I now find myself saying again - I am sure you will find some proper friends at uni..... but I don't know whether she will based on past experiences. She seems to get on better with lads, but inevitably they aren't sustainable friendships and they either end up fancying her, or getting girlfriends and then drifting away.

Anybody got any advice or suggestions??

I am finding it is draining me with her being so upset on a regular basis about having hardly any friends. I could cry with her when she cries - I find it heartbreaking :-(

[Anothernamechangeplease]

I'm really sorry she is struggling, that sounds really hard. I went through a phase of struggling with friendships as a teen, and it is truly shit. I feel for both you and your daughter.

However, I am going to be brutally honest here in the hope that it might help. If the same thing keeps happening to your dd with different groups of people, you need to look for the one common factor...which is your dd. She is probably doing something that contributes to the all the drama. Maybe the girls are all bitches and maybe they're all fake, maybe it's a toxic environment...or maybe your dd just needs to tweak her own behaviour very slightly in order to break the cycle.

My dd knows someone at school who is constantly experiencing this kind of drama. She repeatedly makes friends and then falls out with them. I know the mum and she is convinced that the dd is just the victim of other girls being mean. She probably thinks the school environment is toxic. DD's perspective is that the girl herself is very controlling and takes it quite personally if the others in the group don't bend exactly to her will. She is also very possessive and doesn't like her friends being friends with anyone else.

Not saying that your dd is like this at all, as obviously, I have no idea. I'm just trying to say that there may be some aspect of how your dd is approaching her friendships that is getting in her way. Maybe her expectations of her friends are too high, so she will inevitably be disappointed? Maybe she is expressing herself in a way that others are misinterpreting? Maybe she lacks some self awareness and doesn't always realise if she is coming across as hyper critical, or selfish, or negative, or boastful or whatever. I really don't know, but my instinct tells me that you need to get to the bottom of what's going wrong for her before you'll be able to fix it.

In the short term, it might feel kinder and more supportive to just tell her that the other girls are being bitchy, that she shouldn't take it personally and that she should just ignore it, but the reality is, that approach is not working for her or making her happy. I struggled with friends as a teen because I had really bad social skills and looking back now, I just wish that someone had addressed this with me really honestly. If it were my own dd in this situation, I would be having a very honest but kind conversation about the patterns that I had observed and I would be strongly encouraging some serious self reflection.

My own dd (also year 12) is totally different from how I was when I was growing up. She is naturally very good at making friends... mainly because she makes a real effort to push herself outside her comfort zone and talk to anyone and everyone... and she is also very good at keeping friends... mainly because she works extremely hard at it and because she is very, very good at seeing things from other people's points of view. She never gets involved in any drama, even if other friends try to initiate it. She listens to what they're upset about and tries to understand it, and she is incredibly good at stating her own perspective on a situation really calmly, honestly and empathetically. Any differences of opinion just get discussed and sorted out. I have learned loads from watching her over the years, and sometimes wish that I could go back and do the teenage years again knowing what I know now! Sadly it's too late for that! Social skills just come naturally to some very lucky people, whereas others have to work much harder at them, but the good news is, anyone can learn!

I hope that things improve for her soon!

[RichardsGear]

I do sympathise. My DD, also 17, is having a shit time too. Slightly different in that she did have a group of friends but when they started 6th form things just seemed to dwindle. They wanted to experiment with alcohol etc while that's not DD at all. Also new girls came on the scene who are very loud and confident and DD has been totally pushed out.

Again like your DD she sees everything going on socially on Instagram and it makes her feel shit. She's painfully shy, socially anxious and lacks confidence to build new friendships as she thinks she must be inherently unlikeable or so boring/weird that nobody likes her.
She actually does have one good friend who also got sidelined by the group so she's not entirely isolated, however this friend is really busy with a p/t job and boyfriend so not much happens outside of school.

She's just had her first session with a therapist tonight as it was upsetting me so much seeing her go through this and I felt I was out of my depth. We've also spoken to the GP about starting the process of an assessment for autism. It would explain many things relating to why she struggles.

I think PP has a good point re looking at the bigger picture.

[Stopsnowing]

No advice. Just sympathy.

[Itsadoglife]

Thank you so much for your reply. This had crossed my mind, but weirdly almost all adults think that she is lovely, it seems to be her age group that struggle.

It's a hard subject to approach with her - how to put it to her that she may be the problem. How can I help her improve her social skills?

Your daughter sounds a wonderfully balanced young woman 😇

[RichardsGear]

What are the dramas which happen and end up with your DD pushed out? Is your DD involved in any drama?

[Threetulips]

Is she work? I found DD much improved when she started a Saturday job.

I also wonder if your DD is an only child and more adapt at being with adults?

My DD is always giving advice in a ‘I’m telling you what to do’ fashion rather than be a good listener and nodding along! She head strong and independent and doesn’t suffer fools lightly.

[Trx]

Reading this post is breaking my heart because this is my situation too. I joined this group to pretty much ask the same question you have

[waterrat]

Its so so hard op. I don't think children and teenagers getting on easily with adults is a great marker of being easy to get on with among peers sadly. My daughter is autistic and is a lot more relaxed around adults ita quite common.

Would she consider talking therapy ? In the end you are not neutral and are there to desperately take her side. She may be able to unwrap some unhelpful behaviour patterns

The social.nedia stuff is so toxic. Do you think she would consider really cutting down on it ? Perhaps you could help her set some goals as a challenge.

I agree with a poster above that young people who are good at making friends are often easy going and don't react to drama. I have two children one makes friends so easily he literally picks up best mates everywhere he goes. My other child struggles like your daughter. The sad truth is she lacks the flexibility to join in on others terms or ignore minor bickering. I see my son just bounce along not getting drawn into arguments and doing whatever is going on around him happily

[teenagersuntangled]

Hi Teenissues, I am so sorry that you've been battling with this for so long.

Have you read Queen Bees and Wannabes? It's a terrific book for helping to understand teenage friendships; mostly girls but boys can form hierarchical groups too.

One of the things that you can do to help her is get her to think about what happens with her friendships. How does she view herself and the way that she relates? What role does she play in the groups? How forgiving is she of her friends' failings? What failings does she see in herself? What sort of friendships would she like to have?

Knowing herself better, understanding the politics of the group structures, and gaining skills in how to express herself will give her a far better chance of developing long term friendships that are healthy.

Our free podcast covered this topic in Episode 10 if you'd like to hear other mums talking about the issue. We've had some excellent feedback on how much it has helped other mothers. Our podcast is called Teenagers Untangled, and can be found on all major platforms.

[Teenissues2022]

It is so hard isn't it. Thanks for all of your advice.

I can understand that the issue may be her, it is just how to address it with her without dragging her down any further. She can't see why these things are happening - to tell her it may be her behaviour causing these things is an awful conversation to have to have with her? I wouldn't know where to start. I would have been devastated if one of my parents had sat me down and said something along those lines with me.

@teenagersuntangled many thanks for the suggestion of the podcast, I will definitely look into this. I think she always strives to be kind and compassionate within her friendship groups, she doesn't come across (to me), as overbearing.

@Threetulips yes an only child :-( She does have a small part time job and gets along great as most people there are over 18.

@waterrat social media is awful isn't it. It just seems to be an addictive thing that teens don't seem to be able to put down - even though it can be toxic.

@Trx I'm so sorry you are experiencing similar.

@RichardsGear Sorry to hear your DD is experiencing issues as well. I wonder whether some therapy/counselling may help, but again it is how to approach it with her, without telling her that she might need help with her social skills? I feel that this would be a conversation out of my depth - I don't want to scar the poor girl for life :-(

@Anothernamechangeplease thanks for your detailed response. Definitely some points to consider. Its hard to know without seeing it direct isn't it.

As I've said previously she seems to get on much better with boys - but these friendships bring their own issues - boys seem to either have an ulterior motive, catch feelings or when they get a girlfriend, they drift off as the girlfriends don't seem to like them being friends with her.

My worry is that it is all turning her into a more negative person than she ever was, she was never cynical but seems to be becoming more so and I've even heard her talk about others now in a kind of "they have all the luck and I have none" kind of way. As if she has had it hard (which she hasn't), and others seem to be hit with a lucky stick. She seems to be very downtrodden which is hard to see.

[ilovebagpuss]

I don't suppose there is a chance of moving her to a college setting? I know that 6th form just seems to continue the same power groups from school popularity wise etc. College just seems more grown up and wider selection of people to make friends with new faces etc.
My DD can't wait to get out of school and off to college, she also gets on with older teens and lads and can't bear all that school drama.
Otherwise it seems it really is wait until uni to get that fresh start. I'm sure your DD is lovely and has just fallen between groups or something and it's hard to just make friends if they are all settled into groups and you aren't super confident.

[Teenissues2022]

@ilovebagpuss thanks for your response. I am sure you are right. In the grand scheme of things a year really isn't that long - it just feels it when you're there.