What is normal teen angst and what is a mental health issue?

[westendgirlx]

My DD has always been rather difficult to talk to ever since her dad and I split 7 years ago. We have had some really happy times mostly, but she is rather moody. When she is upset she shouts and cries her eyes out. Since starting sixth form she has incorporated swearing and accusing me of being a useless parent into her outbursts. She can even get in a state sometimes just because I ask her to tidy up or something.

On the surface, she is doing fine....doing great at her A levels, lots of lovely friends, weekend job, fantastic cook. She is happy most of the time.

She doesn't tell me much about how she feels when on a downer, though. She says it is because she believes I will tell her Dad, who will get on her case. He is an evangelical Christian. I have reassured her that I won't but it hasn't made any difference. I haven't spoken to her Dad in years because he was so awful when we split. She hardly ever wants to see him.

She got dumped by her first boyfriend 2 months ago and she was hysterical. I was so worried about her that I read her diary to find out how seriously she was upset. I have since found out thar she has been lying about lots...drinking, smoking, having sex, and even mentioning suicide.

When I have tried to discuss these issues over the past year or two, she has told me that she doesn't smoke, drink, have sex or want to kill herself! I don't know what to believe. She leaves her diary in the most obvious place, so I wonder if she is trying to tell me something indirectly...but when I try to talk to her, she says that all is fine, she doesn't need contraception, counselling or anything and she just wants me to stop prying. I understand privacy but she just seems to want total secrecy...or does she?

I don't know where to go with this.

You are perhaps too close for her to confide in. If you’re worried about her mental health, id suggest to her speaking to a therapist or counsellor. It’s often much easier to talk about what is bothering you with someone who is not so emotionally invested in you.

I would stop reading her diary too. That’s an invasion of her privacy.

Thanks for the reply. I helped her get a telephone appointment with a GP to discuss counselling. She wasn't impressed because the GP directed her to websites and then phoned her a week later whilst she was a school and couldn't answer, obviously!

She has refused to phone the GP back. I then suggested she try a local charity who offer free counselling but she said that she didn't need counselling because she can talk to friends. That was the day after the suicide wish was written in the diary.

I appreciate what you say about reading her diary but she is doing lots of concerning things and telling me that she is not...such as thinking about suicide and having sex, apparently without contraception

I am sorry to jump on the band wagon and hope you manage to get some sensible advice and answers.

Do you have the name of the charity that offers the counselling? I sometimes wonder whether my daughter might need to speak to someone but as you say GP just refers you to your online resources 😕

Hi Itsadogslife

The charity only operates in Carlisle...we are on the border with Scotland. Not sure where you might be.

Anyway, I'm happy to talk on a more private platform, if you like 🙂

Did the GP give her the IAPT self referral website for counselling?
NHS talking therapies

Talking therapies, or psychological therapies, are effective and confidential treatments delivered by fully trained and accredited NHS practitioners. They can help with common mental health problems like stress, anxiety and depression.

You can access talking therapies for free on the NHS.

You can refer yourself directly to an NHS talking therapies service without a referral from a GP, or a GP can refer you.

NHS talking therapies services are also known as Improving Access to Psychological Therapies (IAPT) services.

These services are still open and accessible during coronavirus (COVID-19). Help is available in person, by video, over the phone or as an online course.
www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

self referral portal:
www.iaptportal.co.uk/ServiceUser/SelfReferralForm.aspx?sd=1841c1e1-c40c-4c68-b0d3-09920f3c235f

Thank you very much for the self referral information. Is that available for 17 year olds or does she have to be 18?

When I was a teenager I also had a diary all about drinking, sex etc. But none of that was happening! It was basically a fantasy of what I wanted to be happening. Could hers be similar?

I think that she was drunk once after a party when i picked her up and I have seen alcohol in her cupboards. I have also seen roll ups in her room. Sometimes when her boyfriend came over they wouldn't open the door for ages when I knocked. She also had a transwoman (same age as her) over when I was out once, without me knowing...I saw her leave as I arrived. Later on, I discovered an entry in the diary about them having sex also

Oh, the IAPT is for 18+.
Of she is 17, the sixth form can refer her to CAMHS. Or you can return to GP and ask again.

What is CAMHS? She had several counselling sessions with the school nurse when she was 14. The school nurse was their official counsellor.

They didn't go well because she wouldn't open up to her even though I wasn't there

CAMHS= Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services run by the NHS. For under 18s. GP or any professional at the school can refer any child/adolescent for mental health assessment and treatment.
www.cntw.nhs.uk/services/child-and-adolescent-mental-health-service-east/

Oh...she will hate me going to the school. She hates me phoning or emailing on her behalf about mundane subjects.

Sometimes I think that she just can't wait to leave home so she does have to tell me a thing about anything...she hates any help and advice...

Basically the person they present themselves as vs who they actually are, are two very different psychological perspectives.

Looks like she's on the road to a downward spiral, which she may recover from, or it's more likely she may burn out and then potentially recover.

All depends on how their strength of resolve is,

With me heading into sixth from, my mind was all over, trying to rebuild my perspectives, my character personality, in general how to regain and rebuild my emotions. Gradually I slowly managed to regain controls, but it took a long time.

As for me, at the time, I went to was with my demons, as basically it was only myself that truly knew them and I always figured others had their own issues and basically it's just me and the dark nights so to speak. And it was either keep trying or hope for the best.

*I went to war, with my demons

All great advice from PPs. Hope you can get something arranged.

With her father, are the arrangements to visit him the same when they were set up 7 years ago? . If she isn’t keen, maybe a new arrangement can be made to suit her. Maybe she doesn’t feel she can, but you can tell her it’s ok.Kids can feel guilt about wanting to reduce contact. You helping her to make other arrangements may help re the trust issue she has with you about her dad.

Does religion play a part of her life? Does your ex try to instil evangelist ideals thats she’s rebelling against? Its interesting that the diary contents (drinking, sex) would be strictly against evangelical Christian teachings. I also note the PP saying that the contents may not be strictly true. This could fit into the idea she is writing down the most rebellious things she can think of, in a cry for help- but isn’t actually doing them.

Hi, when we first split, she saw lots of her Dad. I moved away 150 miles because of the continued interference in my life from my ex and his family.

Then, a court order made her visit him fortnightly. Then the pandemic came when she was 15 and she decided not to visit for a while. As she was older, the court was no longer interested anyway.

Since then, she has seen her Dad about 3 times a year. He texts frequently and reminds her about faith all the time. She simply tells him very little about her views, which are quite liberal and censors her life. It is easy because he never comes down to see her or anything...they have a relationship that is mostly through text messaging! At first, she and I went to a more liberal church after the split, but we stopped going to church completely several years ago

Despite me being liberal and her Dad a strict religious person, I get all the criticism and her Dad gets nice text messages and lots of meaningless fluffy emojis! Lol

I would consider whether the situation around the divorce and/or contact with Dad has been difficult for her over the years.
sounds like she may be feeling a bit lost?

also, smoking roll ups and drinking alcohol could be considered normal for a 17 year old, really it depends on why she is using those things and the amount. Lots of 17 year old drink socially every week, but drinking alone can be a red flag.

it can be helpful to remember that a true mental illness is an unexpected response to a situation,- her response might be very normal if things have been difficult over the years. And if she has times of being happy, that’s very reassuring.
counselling may be useful for her to talk over her experiences, but other approaches for mental illness may not be helpful if she’s actually reacting against past and present issues that are in her life, not her mind.

That must be so hard for her, receiving these texts and having to censure her life from him. Also from you because she fears you will tell him.

None of us would be happy at the idea of our teenagers drinking and having sex, but that comes from a place of ensuring their safety- not moral condemnation.

Its almost like the diary entries are a test-
a test of trust if you if you will tell, a test of unconditional love for her dad, to see if he will condemn and shame her.

I don’t think it’s healthy for her to be receiving these messages. I’m not sure what can be done though, other than telling her she doesn’t have to receive these messages. That she can tell him they must stop. That’s she happy to talk but not about religion. Or offer for you to say to him or even through solicitors.

She sounds quite confused, which many late teens can be.

The leaving of her diary in obvious places is, I think, a silent invitation for you to read it. If she wanted to keep secrets from you, she would make sure it was hidden.

However, whether the things she is writing are true or not is debatable.

Part of the situation may stem from the divorce. It crossed my mind that she is trying to subtly punish you for the break up, by giving you cause to worry about her. That might not be true, it was simply a thought.

Can you plan something fun to do for the two of you? A shopping trip in a different town perhaps? Or the Mumsnet fail safe idea of a spa afternoon for you both? She might open up a bit more in a relaxed situation.

To me, there's nothing that suggests mental health problems - just an ordinary, bright teen with issues stemming from the past.

As she is happy a lot of the time, I would just try to ride out the time until she goes to university, if that's her intention. The one issue that would concern me is the mention of sex. Make sure she's using contraception if she really is having sex, otherwise she could seriously mess up her life.