Done with sleepovers

[Birkenstockbeliever]

How many do you allow? And how often DD12 is in a friendship group which seems to have endless sleepovers - only they really (really) don't sleep . I'm talking going to sleep at 2/3am, or even once, 5am. And they obviously eat utter rubbish throughout. I don't want to be the fun police - but DD is wrecked afterwards. She's in a foul mood the following day and if it's on a Saturday night it affects her on Monday morning - nausea/headaches and not feeling up to school.
I know this is a stage where friendships are everything - but it's so obviously not good for her. Do we clamp down - or is it a phase we should ride out?

If she is not feeling up to school then she can't have them in term time surely?
So save for half term, Friday inset days, and holidays?

Could you try problem solving this with her?

“DD, you have a wonderful time with your friends at sleepovers, and I’m so thrilled to see you building friendships like this. At the same time, you often seem to be a wreck the next day, and even early in the week at school, which has got to be pretty miserable for you. What could we do to make sure that you still have these fun experiences with your friends, without having such an impact on the days that follow?”

Maybe she’ll come up with a few reasonable boundaries for herself through the discussion, so that you don’t need to be the fun police.

If she doesn’t, then I think it would be reasonable to say that she and her friends need to settle down by midnight or else you won’t allow sleepovers anymore (or at the same frequency) as it’s not healthy for her or fair on the family.

We have the same problem. I don't host them so much anymore because I just can't ever face it. I restrict them to holidays and birthdays otherwise my kids would be exhausted all the time.

We didn't allow them in term time.

I allowed one for my dd 11th birthday then none until recently (she's now 14). She's only allowed 1 person to a sleepover now - we had 4 for her 11th birthday, it was hell

I'm glad my reaction isn't out of step with other people's (in the comments so far at least!)

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers - that's a really constructive suggestion. My concern is that she's got in with the 'cool' kids, and she feels under real peer pressure to always be there and stay up late - and that makes it hard for her to police herself. And the other parents obviously aren't as worried - I know they routinely allow two in a row, and have heard of one allowing four - in term time! So I don't want her to miss out, but also need her to recognise that school has to take priority. (Not being grumpy with her family would be a bonus...)

Sleepovers are an unnecessary form of torture.

FOUR SLEEPOVERS IN A ROW??? Your DD hasn’t fallen in with the cool kids, she’s found total lunatics 😂 I’m so sorry, OP. I can see why you’d be worried about her missing out. But wow… this is some extreme parental tolerance among her peers! I’d say that your concerns and the boundaries you are thinking about enforcing are completely appropriate. Your DD can thank you later… 😬

What about a tent in back garden???

@Greenfrog78 - I mean the tent puts them at a distance but I think the early sunrise would scupper sleep even more!!

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers - 👏- think you've nailed it 😂

I wish I felt like I could get the other parents on board but that's obviously not going to happen. We're just going to have to stop her going aren't we?!?

You should read up on sleepover toxicity:

The kids lack any sort of sleep, because of of friends and SM on phones. There is also the potential for late night trouble- arguments both at home and on SM. It results in crankiness and annoyance for the days that follow.

Its the fear of missing out that compels the girls to keep arranging and attending the sleepovers.

So a solution is this, let your child stay over at a friends house until right before they go to sleep. So say midnight is lights out. That’s when you pick up- a pain in the ass yes! But your kid will have her need to socialise met and can get a decent nights sleep at home. You can’t be doing this frequently though.

If the sleepover is to be at yours, allow no phones or SM. It eliminates the chances of drama being created and keeping the kids up.

But certainly reduce the number of sleepovers, it’s affecting her health.

I'll do that @summermornings
DD is very much not a bad kid - but everything is about phones/friends. I thought I was just missing my little girl and should accept she was becoming more independent. (That does seem to be the way lots of people with teens parent where we live - I know teens always push boundaries but there seems to be a lot of opening doors and waving them on through....if that doesn't mix metaphors too much) But now I think that's expecting too much maturity from DD - she needs help to overcome the fear of missing out on anything with this (slightly toxic) group of friends. Now just have to put that into practice...

Sleepovers are not mandatory, and it's your house so your rules. Tell DD she's allowed sleepovers maybe once every few months, but lights out at midnight. Tell her you've got no problem coming into her room and telling everyone to shut up if the rules are broken. You should feel confident doing that in your own home. And if it doesn't go well, then no more sleepovers.

I was really angry when my son (9) went for a sleepover and the next morning he was washed out. The parents said "yeah I think they finally got to sleep at 3am" . I'm extremely lucky that my son is so good, he didn't give me any trouble but he was sooo tired and the next day was just wasted watching tv in bed.

As others have said, one of the other boys was picked up at 10pm, I think I'll do the same if it happens again.