Teen 'rules'

[Shoppingfan]

Just want some outside opinions on what others do as it's causing issues between myself and dh as we have a difference in opinions. We have a 15 year old (16 in 2 months) what do you allow your same age teens to do?

Do they have a curfew? Not for parties but just general out in the street and hanging around others houses etc.

Do you allow them to drink alcohol at parties? if so what the limit?

Would you allow your teen and their boyfriend/girlfriend home alone for longish periods of time?

Are there any other 'rules' you have?

At that age, mine never had a curfew - but they were never "just hanging about in the street". If they were out at something that finished later, we talked about how they would be able to get home (and the option would often include us fetching them). I never saw the point in saying they had to be "in by X o'clock" if they were doing something that didn't finish until Y o'clock - even if that was watching a film / playing FIFA at a mate's house.

Alcohol ? Once they got in to 6th form, it did start to happen occasionally. At the end of the day, they will with or without your "permission". I think the crucial bit was all the previous conversations we had had about different strengths / types of alcohol.....eating beforehand....drinking plenty of water alongside.....eating during......knowing what you are drinking and being careful it isn't tampered with (not just spiked with drugs but the more old fashioned adding a spirit in to a soft drink)..... and of course 'normalising' alcohol in them seeing it was perfectly normal to be somewhere where some people were having a drink and other weren't, or that some people were happy to let one drink last a couple of hours, or that it was fine to have one or two then switch to a soft drink, etc etc. Also let them have a sip / taste / small glass at a family BBQ or meal and not make it into a forbidden thing, but also say it's fine to leave if you don't like it / have had enough.
Also, giving them the self confidence to know they don't have to follow the crowd / be a sheep if that is something they don't want at that point.

At 16 I let him take a couple of beers or ciders to a party. He came in at 11 (when there was no school) and his girlfriend could come over whenever they wanted.

With mine at this age, most things are a discussion and habits rather than having any firm rules, but it can depend a bit on your teenager's nature and your household.

We don't have a blanket curfew, it's discussed on the occasion and I'm generally more interested in if they've planned out transport than time.

We regularly discussed tactics for alcohol as part of harm reduction conversations whenever it comes up. My only firm rule there is I don't give alcohol I'm not supervising, and my kids know that their father and I would prefer they have their first drink with us.

It would difficult for my teens to be home alone long with how our household is set up - I can't remember the last time all of the adults were out of the house at the same time for more than an hour, and even then their siblings are here who will with glee say what's happened while I've been gone.

We generally allow my older kids' social circle to be here, regardless of relationship status, as long as they're amicable. Our rules since they were small are any guests upstairs means doors are open, they are not to allow guests into my room or the lodger's room, and because all my kids share rooms, any sleepovers happen in the living room, nearly always when their father isn't working so there is a parent awake.

We have a TV in 1 room and have a rotation of who is in charge/what's going on in the evening. On nights my teens are in control, that ends at 10 unless it's a special occasion. Generally, the older teens go up before then, they can do what they want in their rooms as long as it doesn't wake their siblings (my 15 year old doesn't take her phone up, my 17 year old has been using it as an alarm for the last few months with no issues yet), but sometimes the 17-year-old will stay up while my husband and I watch/play stuff before I go to bed & he goes to work, particularly if he's roleplaying online.

Girlfriend and boyfriends can come over whenever they want, its fine for them to be alone together, I just like to know in advance if its gonna be over a meal time do I can make enough. I like when they ate around a lot, it helps me to get to know them and its comfortable when they come on days out or family trips with us

No blanket curfew, thats a discussion but in general they come back by 11 or ten if its a school night

Expected that they may drink at parties, they bring lower % stuff like ciders. Knowing that they can be collected if needed or if it feels unsafe

Aware and educated about safety and they are sensible

Thank you all. Maybe I am being too strict. Dh thinks no curfew, drinking is fine and they should be allowed to be at home all day while we are at work.

Currently it's been -

A 10pm curfew unless there's an event/party which doesn't have a limit it's just an agreed pick up time.

Alcohol I've said once they turn 16 they can have a couple of lighter drinks like cider eg no spirits at parties.

I'm happy for them to have company when we are home but not all day while we are at work (they are currently on study leave).

Dc is our eldest so it's a learning curve!

Don't have a set curfew- we tend to agree a time to be home depending on what they're doing and what's happening next day etc.

DS has always declined when I've asked if he would like a drink at home (glass of champagne at Christmas or whatever). I know he has had a few drinks at parties.

Happy for him to have friends round any time as long as they behave well, which they all do.

My youngest is the same age as OP's.

I've always asked my dc what time they will be back and how they are getting there and back. Sometimes I may say it's too late, especially for a school night, and we negotiate an earlier time.

I encourage independence whenever possible, though I'd rather collect them if there is any concern over their safety.

I like to have some idea of where they're going "So I know where to send the ambulance", rather than to check up on them.

It's been a hard and fast rule ever since they had phones that if they do not answer when I phone or message them, or if they change their plans without informing me and getting my acknowledgment, then they will be grounded. I have only had to apply that consequence once with each dc.

At home they have always been allowed a taste of whatever we're drinking, and from about 14/15 we allowed them half a glass or so if they wanted. I have never banned them from drinking alcohol when they've gone out with friends. It's not something I can police. But we have always had conversations about sensible drinking and keeping safe.

Whatever you decide now sets precedent for younger ones, so think carefully.
The only one of those decisions I had to make was about alcohol & DC2 (the others lacked opportunity/interest in other issues). I chose to not regulate what they did at a party, but I talked to them about reasons why they shouldn't over-indulge. I'd rather they told me truth than them drinking than lie about it to me (which is temptation if you set blanket bans). I only provided/ contributed to alcohol in 2nd half of yr11 (very small contributions).

DC2, sigh, prone to extremes. Got legless at one party when 17yo. DH had to retrieve her puking from roadside & was furious. His disapproval mattered to DC2. I decided her stomach was too empty to aspirate on anything. Resulted in hangover from Hell. She's been far more restrained ever since !