16-18s

[aramox1]

Just entering this phase. What are your expectations, rules, etc for older teens?

They can get a really good discount on the railway with a 16 to 18 card...?

Rules? It so depends on the kid. I don't have any rules per se for my 17 year old daughter as she is sensible and doesn't really need any. She doesn't always keep her room tidy but that doesn't bother me - I don't have to see her mess. She does her schoolwork, is not interested in social media and isn't one to stay out late.
For my son at that age more like home by X time, no drunk mates over (or clean up the mess if they are), no one smoking inside etc. give me some warning if wanting friends over. Clean up after using the kitchen ...

I did expect them to get a summer job once 16 - my son has always worked except during parts of pandemic but my daughter has yet to make the leap (didn't work last summer as we were moving and stayed in four different Airbnbs all over the place and only available to work Saturdays this one, but she also never spends any money).

I actually found having a discussion about rules before the situation arose really helpful as there was no conflict discussing a hypothetical situation and it made it easier to enforce boundaries (rules really) when they turned 18.

You have to think about what is acceptable for you, what do you expect of them and how it is going to work. Things like staying out/coming back at all hours, bringing people home, letting you know where they are/if they want dinner.

For example with dinner we started off with me cooking for all (I have younger ones) unless they said they wouldn't be in- this worked until they were about 18 and then they were out more than in so they would then message if they wanted dinner. Then I had to make sure they knew they could have whatever they wanted in the fridge except the stuff with the green stickers (my meal plan food etc) they also bought and made their own meals but the rule was the kitchen had to be left as they found it. If they didn't I wouldn't argue I'd just clean it up and then at the end of the month when bills were due I'd charge them for cleaning. This wouldn't work for lots of families (and may not work with my current teens) but finding a way that works is important.

Charging rent, have a think about it now I know it is contentious on MN but charging a small amount early on makes it easier to increase later on, one of mine stayed at home until 28, I know friends of theirs that have either stayed or returned after relationship breakdowns.

Changing the relationship from parent and child to a more balanced adult and lodger relationship will imo lead to a better homelife for all.

I don’t really have any other than basic manners, some household chores and thinking for themselves more to adjust their own behaviour on their own … ie if they stayed up too late one night and are wiped then are they going to bed earlier the next night? Mine all had jobs but that was more because they knew they needed to do that if they wanted to start going out to dinner and movies with friends, or buying “unnecessary” but the latest shoes, clothes etc.

At that age i don’t see that it’s about lots of “rules” and micro managing like they were younger teens. It’s letting them work out when they’ve made a mistake and what they will do differently next time, and encouraging them to think for themselves. I remember my now 22 year old decided when she was about 17 to spent LOTS of money on designer makeup, I thought it was a ridiculous waste of money (it was and she regretted a bit later when she wanted to travel) but it was her mistake and her money to waste. Better that happened at that age than 10 years later.

Thanks for starting this thread. I missed out on planning for this stage as my son was 15 when covid started and 17 when it ended. We just muddled through until now and, having not really settled into a protocol for teen years, are now trying to figure out how to manage early “adulthood”.
my sin hasn’t been able to work up til now for various reasons so has very little of his “own” money. Won’t be able to work other than odd jobs this summer (post A Levels) due to some sport commitments. The big questions we have (to be discussed when exams finish):

1. how much is a reasonable “allowance” for a just-18-year-old for the time between exams and start of university?
2. what should he spend this money one? Ie allowance just for social life or enough to cover all expenses — mobile, transportation, hair cuts, clothes, etc? (Probably no need for any major clothes purchases in the next few months.)
3. we would like to know roughly where he is and who he is with (for safety reasons). Is this reasonable?
4. thinking to set some expectations for contributions around the house (wash dishes-clean kitchen after meals, cook occasionally for family meals, wash his own clothes, perhaps wash car, etc) in exchange for allowance
5. is it reasonable to expect him home by a certain time (midnight?) or do post-A Level kids stay out until “whenever”?

would welcome thoughts and experiences from others!

Yes, post exams some more domestic responsibilities feels like a good plan, and jobs if possible. I'm finding it hard to figure out a reasonable allowance that also encourages jobseeking. Mine is so inclined to stay home that money's not much of a motivation. Also I think some indication of where they are and when likely to be home is reasonable- though I anticipate disagreement on this at first!

I think try having a discussion rather than telling them

I have one teen of 16 and one 18. 18 year old has p/t job so I don’t give him an allowance. I do pay for his phone, Xbox live and disney plus for thin though. House rules are that on a school night ( I have a younger teen and also get up early for a demanding job) he has to be home by 11.30. Weekend he can come and go as he likes. Chores wise he doesn’t do a lot but he does do his own washing. I leave food for him in the fridge for him to cook / reheat. I don’t expect him to tell me where he is or he who is with but of course I always ask.

dd is 16. She also has a p/t job but only Saturdays so doesn’t earn a lot so I still give her £50 a month allowance (ds, 18 works more hours and earns £100 week). I also pay for her phone and clothes and toiletries but not make up. She has a curfew of 9.30 on a school night and 11pm at the weekends. She doesn’t have any set chores as she is pretty helpful round the house anyway.

I missed the 16-18 thing altogether. My dd went off to full-time ballet school and lived in digs in London with her classmate.

SD is 16 3 months ago, Part time job over summer to fund leisure as we cannot do it all, no set-chores but very much expected to help out as she's home a lot more than us with working.
No set home time but it's discussed and home she will get home etc

Help look after you get brother (4) on odd occasion

That's about it really! Be open and always our texts calls i guess!