14 yr old dd - no confidence

[EloiseBridgerton]

My lovely 14yr old dd has lost whatever confidence she went to secondary school with, over the last 3 yrs. we pay for her to go to a local private school and ironically the only reason we decided to stretch to do this, was to give her the best chance of leaving school confident. She has friends, good friends, but she has never had a boyfriend and I think I’m her yr group a lot of social success is pinned to this. And some of the girls in her yr for are just horrible and bitchy. Any suggestions and wisdom as to how we can help her find her confidence. Ironically she’s doing so well academically, just not with confidence. Anyone else had a situation like this and managed to help their child to find their feet? Thank you

Does she have a social life outside school? What kept me sane as a young teen was the drama group I was in - got to know lots of kids in my area that didn't go to my school.

this might not help her right now - but I see kids confidence really bloom at about 15/16 when they develop an independent social life - often with people they meet outside school - go to parties /out to see gigs etc. Sometimes it might just be a tough patch of life for them.

14 is a really hard age. Private school is competitive and bitchy.

Agree with PP that kids generally start to pick up socially at 15/16. Does she do any clubs outside of school? Something like joining Stagecoach can be really positive for confidence and camaraderie. Also, if it's based in your local town then she will have more chance of meeting other kids from different schools, not just the private school kids she has to see every day.

Thank you. She’s in to riding, it’s just hard to meet people through this without a lot of time and money, which we don’t have. I’ll give this some thought though.

It's disturbing the pressure to have a boyfriend at such a young age. I agree build confidence outside of school if possible. Is social media a problem too? Girls get such awful messages from social media, try and make sure she knows how ridiculous most of it is.

Riding is the absolute saviour for my 14 yo socially - but it just has to be anything really!

Count it as a blessing that there are no boys on the scene yet. So many girls get distracted from their studies when boys enter the picture.

There is a couple of books that I really think you should read and may change your outlook on things:

1/ The curse of the good girl
2/The myth of the perfect girl

Girls can’t be all things at all times. She is studying, navigating friendships, figuring out her future etc. That’s a lot for anyone to cope with. To do so with grace and confidence is something I don’t think think any teenager achieves!

As long is she is reasonably happy, healthy and doing well at school, the rest will come OP