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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Screen time for 13 year old. Am I being unfair?

23 replies

SuperIris · 14/06/2022 08:01

Teen daughter has left the house in tears this morning after a conversation about her screen time.
Yet again she's managed to figure out how to turn it off and spent four and a half hours on tiktok yesterday.
Normally I have it on a two hour limit for all apps and after that she has to request it.
I reset it on Friday after she had had a tired meltdown after being on her phone for 6 hours on a school night.
She doesn't cope well when she's tired and needs a lot of sleep. I laid on her bed with her on Friday as she sobbed and spoke to her about how she just needs more sleep and she slept from 7pm until the following morning.
She's always been the same regarding sleep and is learning how to recognise why she's emotional/grumpy etc.
She's doing very well in school so it's not impacting on that.
As she left she said 'it's just a bit annoying that I'm 13 and I have screen time set. No one else has screen time on their phones'

When she gets in tonight she's to tell us how she's turning the screen time off and her phone will go away for the night. She can have it for school the next day.

I know I'm probably doing to get flames for letting her have it in her room but it's her alarm.

Any advice or help gratefully received.

OP posts:
frydae · 14/06/2022 08:02

I know I'm probably doing to get flames for letting her have it in her room but it's her alarm.

It doesn't have to be. She could use an alarm clock and that solves the immediate issue.

TeenPlusCat · 14/06/2022 08:05

I'm less bothered about time limits provided they are doing other things too.

However absolutely you should have a 'phone off' time in the evening and then the phone should be off and out of her room overnight.

And buy her a separate alarm clock. They are under £10. It's a ridiculous to use that reason to need a phone in a teen's room overnight.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 14/06/2022 08:10

My 14 year old doesn’t have any limits on screen usage as long as they are getting school work done, doing their extra curricular activities, seeing friends and (occasionally) hanging out with the family! And doing the necessary chores. They are pretty good at regulating themselves when it comes to all of the above.

Original poster
SuperIris · 14/06/2022 08:28

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 14/06/2022 08:10

My 14 year old doesn’t have any limits on screen usage as long as they are getting school work done, doing their extra curricular activities, seeing friends and (occasionally) hanging out with the family! And doing the necessary chores. They are pretty good at regulating themselves when it comes to all of the above.

My older dd was like this. Dd2 isn't. She does dance and an after school club but that's it.
She's having a tricky time with friends at the moment.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 14/06/2022 08:35

Many teens have their phone taken off them at night

TeenPlusCat · 14/06/2022 08:36

Does it really matter if your DD spends 8hrs a day at the weekend on her screens provided she is getting schoolwork done and some fresh air & exercise? Maybe not.

But does it matter if those screens aren't going off an hour or so before you want her to sleep? Definitely.

Work out what you really want to achieve and then enforce it.

Original poster
SuperIris · 14/06/2022 08:43

TeenPlusCat · 14/06/2022 08:36

Does it really matter if your DD spends 8hrs a day at the weekend on her screens provided she is getting schoolwork done and some fresh air & exercise? Maybe not.

But does it matter if those screens aren't going off an hour or so before you want her to sleep? Definitely.

Work out what you really want to achieve and then enforce it.

It isn't just the weekend though. Without limits she would spend that long on there on a school day. I don't think she should be on her phone for 8 hours of any day though.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperIris · 14/06/2022 08:44

Work out what you really want to achieve and then enforce it.
Dh wants to give her a chance to self limit and then take her phone away if she doesn't.

OP posts:
DustyTulips · 14/06/2022 08:49

I have a stricter set of limits than that for my 13yo - no TikTok or other social media, phone switches off at 9.30 and only does podcasts, alarms and texts / calls to family until 6.00 the next morning.

I’ve been up front that if she gets around these controls (Apple ones plus Qustudio) then the consequence will be a brick phone.

The times and apps will change as she gets older, and fade away, but for now she needs the excuse with her friends that she can’t reply after 9.30 because her parents make her phone switch off. Like your dd, she needs a lot of sleep compared to others her age, and is miserable when she doesn’t get it.

caringcarer · 14/06/2022 08:49

My 15 year old has up to 1 1/2 hours screen time per evening but if he is watching a film or something on TV he can see the end. After school he has 1 hour tutor each evening then he does lots of sporting activities so really can only fit in 1 1/2 hours on screen time before shower and bed. Weekends he can have up to 3 hours a day. At the moment he is playing cricket on both Saturday and Sunday and matches last 6 hours.

TeenPlusCat · 14/06/2022 08:55

You and DH need to compromise then.

How about:


  • buy an alarm clock

  • phone goes off at 8pm (or 9pm) every evening. Non negotiable she needs her sleep.

  • on a school day she gets her phone once up and dressed in the morning

  • on a school day she keeps her phone after school but if any reports of homework not being done you will start removing it from her (chance to self regulate between phone and homework)

  • at weekends / holidays phone access unrestricted until bedtime provided conditions A,B,C met (chance to show self regulation)

  • conditions might be - doing chores, going out for family activities, getting fresh air and exercise, whatever else

Youaremysunshine14 · 14/06/2022 09:27

Get her an alarm clock and take the phone out of her room every night, then you don’t need to be so militant about her being on it. My DC12 doesn’t have set limits but hands their phone over every evening before winding down for bed.

ConfusedByDesign · 14/06/2022 10:17

Mine have always had to leave their phones downstairs at night.
They have alarm clocks and books and utilise them both.

Seeline · 14/06/2022 10:26

We never restricted screen time as such, but homework had to be done along with anything else that was important. Both had out-of-school activities.
Phones did not stay in rooms overnight though. That is too much temptation - teens are not good a self-regulation in any area of life.
The problem is, and probably even more so since the pandemic, teens run their lives from their phones - all social contact, chats about homework, watching stuff together. Ours even had to use them for homework sometimes. Removal of phone will restrict their social life. They will be left out.
Get her an alarm clock, and phone downstairs /in your room overnight.

Mossstitch · 14/06/2022 11:56

I agree with DH, allow her to have a chance to self regulate. If it doesn't work she knows it will go back to you limiting it for another year. They have to learn to be a 'grown up' and responsible for themselves but, of course, every child is different and capable of it at different times👍

arethereanyleftatall · 14/06/2022 12:05

One of the reasons 'no one else has limits' might be because they do other stuff/their attitude. My 14 yo dd does 2 hours of swimming/dance/football every night, plus gets all her hw done and well, which is exactly the reason I don't have to set limits. Except phone is non negotiable in with me for overnight charging at 10pm.

In with her because of an alarm is bonkers nonsense.

Ducksurprise · 14/06/2022 12:09

Youaremysunshine14 · 14/06/2022 09:27

Get her an alarm clock and take the phone out of her room every night, then you don’t need to be so militant about her being on it. My DC12 doesn’t have set limits but hands their phone over every evening before winding down for bed.

Agree. It is too tempting if it is in here room.

Original poster
SuperIris · 14/06/2022 12:33

Thank you all. Some good ideas there. She's. Good kid in general, gets on well at school and loves her after school activity and dance. She has found getting back into socialising since lock down very hard.
She essentially went from year 5 to year 8 and isn't anywhere near as mature as dd1 was at the same age.
I have seen anxiety with both of them at the thought of not having their phones with them which is very sad.
I'm thinking if she tells us how she is bypassing the screen time then we can go with her regulating her own time better and phone on the landing at bedtime. Alexa can be used as her alarm. Otherwise go my, stricter way?

OP posts:
balalake · 14/06/2022 18:39

I'd go your stricter way to start with. Even if you have to be the alarm clock in a way.

LorW · 14/06/2022 20:39

TeenPlusCat · 14/06/2022 08:55

You and DH need to compromise then.

How about:


  • buy an alarm clock

  • phone goes off at 8pm (or 9pm) every evening. Non negotiable she needs her sleep.

  • on a school day she gets her phone once up and dressed in the morning

  • on a school day she keeps her phone after school but if any reports of homework not being done you will start removing it from her (chance to self regulate between phone and homework)

  • at weekends / holidays phone access unrestricted until bedtime provided conditions A,B,C met (chance to show self regulation)

  • conditions might be - doing chores, going out for family activities, getting fresh air and exercise, whatever else

This, you need to teach self regulation 😁

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/06/2022 20:47

My ds 15.. has phone in my room at night.. Alexa is his alarm. He also listens to podcasts at bedtime but no scrren though

User3568975431146 · 14/06/2022 21:19

If everything else is ok ie school etc then leave her to it and see how it goes. If she's having a tough time with friends I think that's more important than how long she's on her phone. Pick your battles and phone time isn't one I've ever bothered about nor has it been at all detrimental to any of my kids.

folly115 · 16/06/2022 20:54

My teens are 14 and 15 and I have never set screen time limits and allowed them to have their phones in their room. When they were little we had quite a strict routine with lots of after school activities, bath story and bed admitedly as they have got older the activities have stopped and phones have taken over.

When mine were little my biggest bugbear was when we were home they didn't watch TV. I didn't really introduce it till they were about 4 and 5 and they showed no interest and to this day I don't think either have watched a whole TV program or a film - my 15 yr old hates sleepovers because you often watch films and she gets bored. I tried for about 3 yrs between the ages of 5 and 8 to get them to watch TV or DVD's but to no avail.

We have no playstation or xbox because it was never introduced and because they have always been busy doing other things they were never really necessary and to this day they have never asked for one. BUT they are literally stuck to their phones when ever they are home, manly tik tok and instgram and my DD likes snapchat. They both go to bed around 1030pm and and the phones stay in their room but once they have gone to bed they don't touch them till morning. I think as long as other interests need to be encouraged so then when they are home being on their phone or watching TV is not a bad thing as it isn't for lo

Self regulation is a great thing to learn and both mine have self taught themeselves, they know that you don't use your phone in the middle of night, but they do use it before they go to sleep and they use it for alarms. They know you need 9 hours sleep to function properly. I think banning things or setting limits makes usage more attractive. If you don't make a big deal about screen usage and encourage other pastimes there is less time for screens.

If she is busy doing other things and it isn't effecting her school work maybe don't limit it too much and let her try and work out for herself.

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