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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Son doesn't want to spend any time with us, he's only 11

25 replies

Queenofteal · 13/06/2022 13:58

Hi my apologies, my son is not yet a teenager but didn't know which forum would be best. Although he thinks he's a teenager and wants to be one lol
My son is 11 and has always acted older than his age. He's sensible, street wise, a lovely boy, he's also very sociable and an extrovert.
We live by one of his friends and they play out together alot on their bikes or with a football. Lately they've been going to our local park (one street away) and my son has been having a great time. He's wanting to go out more often, for longer, and further away. Pushing the boundaries.
I've felt him pulling away for a while now (I know this normal for teenagers and it's uncool to be with parents etc, but he's only 11).
Weve had a quiet weekend and he's sulked for most of it because his friend wasn't available and we needed to spend time sorting the garden out this weekend so couldn't go out anywhere. I had a chat with him and he told me he wants to be out with friends all the time and doesn't want to do anything with us anymore. (hes never been left alone at home, even for 5 mins, we go everywhere as a family). I asked him what would he like to spend his weekend going, I'd be happy to take him out somewhere, again he says not with us. Unfortunately for him, as all of his friends are also 11 (still at primary school) they aren't going out on their own yet. Most don't even play out out in their street, let alone go to the cinema, arcade, shops etc that he wants to be doing.
It made me feel so sad that's hes pulling away from us so early and also sad because he's very different from me, his dad and sister. We are very quiet people and aren't into sports etc (I'm disabled). We aren't very social and like to do things just us.Where as my son is very sporty, and extroverted, very social.
Any tips to make him enjoy our family time abit more? It's going to be a very long summer

OP posts:

Coffeekam · 13/06/2022 14:00

I made a similar thread yesterday about my 10 year old in the parenting part of this forum. I completely understand

Original poster

Queenofteal · 13/06/2022 14:10

I should add, we do lots together as a family. We have a caravan in wales and spend alot of time there.
We have just come back from a holiday in America.
Over the summer I will take them to loads of places, theme parks, farms, trampoline parks, swimming, inflatables, out for food, cinema etc. But he's told me he doesn't want to do any of these things with us anymore.
I'm going to try and increase his out of school things as they all stopped with covid. Want to get him on a football team, join cadets when old enough. Although be says he doesn't want to do those things, he just want to 'play out'

OP posts:

goldfinchonthelawn · 13/06/2022 14:18

The thing is, a bit of time away from family at this age is incredibly good for them. In Yr 6 my DC were allowed to go by bus from our village to the nearby town to have an ice cream or milkshake with friends, or go swimming. Or they played wild in the woods behind a friend's farm. A bit of freedom, mixed with a bit of family time.

You could have given him some responsible gardening to do, like mowing the lawn or tending a bonfire, then repaid him by dropping him at the cinema with a friend in the evening and picking them up after the film.

Justkeeppedaling · 13/06/2022 14:32

This is all normal, and character building.
As soon as something goes wrong - he falls and hurts himself, loses his bike, whatever, he'll need his mum and dad.
Back in the day kids were never at home. Children were sent out for the day with some sandwiches and told not to come home until teatime!
At around that age I was rarely home myself. Usually out on my bike somewhere having adventures or spying on the kids in the next street.

Original poster

Queenofteal · 13/06/2022 14:36

The problem is that he doesn't have anyone to do these things with. His friend who lives my us he plays out with. We take him out with us and vice versa but they don't go anywhere else alone.
He's got lots of other friends in school but they don't go out at all, they are with their families all the time, on the PlayStation or at football club. Because they are only 11 their parents don't want them out and about on their own just yet. Hopefully when he starts high school he will get the chance to expand his social circle.
I'm glad that it's normal, I just feel sad, wasnt expecting it at this age

OP posts:

WonderingWanda · 13/06/2022 14:48

That sounds tough op. What about inviting a friend along to things with you? I often take my ds and one friend to places so they can do the activity that I don"t fancy doing. Then we might stop for a Mc Donalds on the way home etc. It's quite common in y6 that they are the big fish in a small pond and get a bit big for their boots so to speak. I would point out to him that he is being a bit rude in saying he doesn't want to ever do anything with you and remind him his is 11 and part of a family. Families do things for one another, then list a few things you've done over the years for him. Also make it a deal, if he does something you want he can get time to go and do something else of his choice.

Original poster

Queenofteal · 13/06/2022 15:22

We bring his friend with us almost all the time already

OP posts:

southlondoner02 · 13/06/2022 15:27

Is he in Y6 or 7?. His friends are likely to have more freedom in Y7 and he can go out and do more things with them. This might give him some freedom which might also mean he appreciates the time he also has with family

VioletLemon · 13/06/2022 15:38

Give him some responsibility and show him you trust him. Tell him you see how capable and socially skilled he is. Recognise and vallue his different attributes to him, say it out loud. Let him know he is values for his differences. Does he take part in anything like Duke of Edinburgh awards? My son was extrovert too, I'm not. He loved Duke of Edinburgh as its got lots of exciting aspects, goals, targets, independence etc. Really great for him. While he's too young for a job as such there are other things you could support him to do that would meet his adventure needs. Its v important for boys particularly at that age to hear their parents compliment them and reflect their skills back to them. L

malificent7 · 13/06/2022 15:40

My dd was/ is the same. I get it op. I'm waiting for advice too.

zafferana · 13/06/2022 15:49

My DS was like this in Y6 - he was champing at the bit to have some freedom and once he tasted it he wanted to go out a lot with the few other boys who were allowed to walk into town and hang out in the park.

If he's always been mature for his age then he's probably starting to go through puberty (my DS was). We had boundaries in place - he had to let us know where he was going, who with, and when he was due back, and if he wasn't back at that time then we would come looking for him and he wouldn't be allowed out the next time. He soon learned to check in with us and get any change of plan approved before he did it.

Talk to him about local dangers, older kids, risk of mugging, keeping himself and his bike safe, all that stuff, but understand that being streetwise is a good thing and it's one of those things you need to learn for yourself. Let him prove himself to be trustworthy and come down firmly, but fairly if he screws up.

And if the rest of the family are quiet introverts and he's not, understand that he's different and will want more social interaction than you do. That doesn't make anyone right or wrong, but we're all different. He's not rejecting you, he's just becoming his own person and your job is to help him do that safely.

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 13/06/2022 16:01

Justkeeppedaling · 13/06/2022 14:32

You got sandwiches?

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 13/06/2022 16:06

My son is like this too. From year five onwards he didn’t want us to walk him to school, wanted to meet with friends most of the weekend etc. we just roll with it, help him set up park / footy ‘playdates ‘ and tell him when to be home!

Sharrowgirl · 13/06/2022 16:18

If he’s an extrovert but the rest of you are introverts and prefer doing things as just the family, then it’s natural that he will find that stifling. It doesn’t mean he’s right and you’re wrong, just different. Don’t fight against it, support him in his needs.

Coyoacan · 13/06/2022 16:42

Over the summer I will take them to loads of places, theme parks, farms, trampoline parks, swimming, inflatables

I'm sorry but those do sound a bit young for his age. However, if he likes trampolining, is there anywhere he could take gymnastic classes?

Are there no other afterschool activities other than football in your neighbourhood?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 13/06/2022 18:11

Sounds tough op, but possibly just a normal part of growing older and gaining independence.

is he a gamer? If so maybe you could try gaming with him and joining in one of the activities he likes?

museumum · 13/06/2022 18:18

My parents were very introverted and my db much younger. I was like your ds, enjoyed being around friends, wanted to be out a lot. All I can say is you can’t change him and nor should you. In your shoes I’d get him into some organised clubs and accept he needs more social time than you and dh. Maybe choose one family night activity to insist on each week and start now with the aim of continuing though the teen years, maybe Sunday dinner?

PinkSyCo · 13/06/2022 18:19

This is very normal for an 11 year old, especially if he’s an extrovert. Be proud that you have raised a confident, independent child and let go of the reins a little more.

cansu · 13/06/2022 18:46

As well as understanding what he wants, I think you might also need to be clear with him that he does not and will not always get what he wants. He is still in Y6 and whilst he may get more opportunities to be out with friends, he is part of a family and is expected to join in with family activities. The part where you said he doesn't want to do all the great things you have planned made me pause. This is ungrateful of him. He is fortunate and needs to be reminded of that.

waterrat · 14/06/2022 10:51

Op would it help to see this as really normal and healthy. My 10 year old is like this.

In the past twenty years or so children in the UK have lost a massive amount of local freedom. Car use on residential streets is just one reason for thus.

If you think back a generation or two children of 11 may well have been outside with children all weekend and for hours after school. I do work in the field of social history and play and what your son is feeling is normal for his developmental stage.

Sadly what is not so normal now is that children are spending so much time with adults. O agree that children need to enjoy family time but take heart your son wants healthy play and independence.

Can he find some local youth clubs or holiday activities? I think at 11 he will benefit from that and I don't think he should want to be with his parents all the time.

Have a look at the teenagers page here and see how many teens are sitting in their rooms gaming. It's great he wants to be out and about.

waterrat · 14/06/2022 10:52

Rather than taking him to all these activities which he has to do with you can't he go to a local cheap summer camp? There are always holifay clubs at churches or schools or youth clubs. The one run at our local church is 15 quid a day not expensive. The one at our school is similar. I think q mix would be good.

Or arrange with a couple of parents to let a group of them go to a park without adults?

Original poster

Queenofteal · 15/06/2022 14:44

@Coyoacan I'd be interested to know why you think these things are young for an 11 year old? Alton towers with his friend.. Massive rides / large indoor inflatable place with obstacle courses / trampoline Park / swimming / cinema. We go mountain biking on bike trails. Just taken him to universal studios florida.

What else should I be doing with him?
Also have a 8 year old girl to please aswell

OP posts:

Original poster

Queenofteal · 15/06/2022 14:45

Thank you everyone for your comments. Nice to hear its normal. Well I knew it was a normal part of growing up anyway but I thought we had another year or so yet with him before he decided we weren't cool enough to be in his company 🙄

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 15/06/2022 16:21

Well maybe I am wrong. I'm not familiar with Alton Towers

waterrat · 15/06/2022 20:25

Op I think obviously those are great days out! But there is a real difference between a day out with family - even doing really fun activities - and just having the freedom to hang out with mates without adults around - something that it is really natural to want from about 9 or 10 onwards. Even my 7 year old gets a thrill when we go camping and she can run off and play with just the children.

It's a positive thing that he wants that responsibility and freedom - and that he finds pleasure kicking a ball about in a park just with other kids and feeling the thrill of being out without his parents - rather than someone mollycoddled who can only have fun lining up for rides etc. It means he is a great kid!

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