If your teen has mental health problems, how do you discipline them?

[malificent7]

So dd has depression and anxiety but I still don't think that excuses her occasional rudeness and complete inability to help around the house/ phone addiction etc.
How do i discipline her without her saying. " you're making my mh worse."
Tbh i think my lax parenting has led to her mh anyway. I have anxiety myself and depression which has made it hard to be consistent.
In the past i have given in to the tantrums if i take her phone off her. It has been easier to leave it.

I'm so completely lost tbh and feel destroyed. It's my fault and I'm a shit mum. I've never really enjoyed parenting even though i love dd very much. I don't have the strength of character required.

I can’t help I’m afraid but I’m in the same boat with my 11 and 14 year old boys. I’m worn out and exhausted, and as soon as I try any consequences the younger one in particular will have a massive violent tantrum. I’m in a Non Violent Resistance parent group but I’m not sure it’s working for me. It’s making my own mental health crash x

My mental health is at rock bottom. I'm afraid to say i had my own tantrum on Saturday night. Dd refused to go camping to go out with friends so I had to wait at home....livid i was.
I exist to facilitate dds social life. She refuses to come out with family.

Wish I could help. My own son has whole days where he refuses to come off his screen and just sits in his room. If I try to take it, he gets violent. If I turn off the wifi he also gets violent or has a massive tantrum. I think I'll have to steel myself to do it anyway but it feels like that will be teaching him that 'might is right' as it will take physical force to do it. I'm really at a loss and I just want to run away from it all. (separated parent, dad does less childcare than me and v hostile)

I don’t engage and just say how much screen time is acceptable and turn off the WiFi.
too much screen time can make mh worse.
with rudeness I simply remind them to speak to me with respect.

Can you reframe it for yourself that you'll be helping her mental health by insisting that she behaves appropriately (starting small, with whatever feels like the most urgent/achievable of the things you'd like to change)? There's lots of research to suggest that actually contributing to family life/doing chores etc is good for self-esteem and a sense of belonging. Would seeing it as for her benefit, even if she doesn't realise it right now, help you, or would it feel like another stick to beat yourself with?

Just a thought - and disregard it if it's not helpful. In the same vein, can you think that if you look after yourself - however that looks for you - you'll have more in the tank to support her?

My 13 has been pretty poorly behaved in school. He hates schoo and as a result tells me 'he hates his life' very down etc so I have been a soft touch.

i think I've made it worse as there are no real boundaries.

last week (after another call from school) I did lose it and banned him from his PC etc and set some firm boundaries I am trying to stick too and am trying to not pander to much wheh he says 'I am hate my life / school etc' and things seem a bit better but it's only been a few days

My dd is the same.

All I do is say don't be rude or I don't buy her the McDonald's or treats she seems to want.

Tell her that I f she doesn’t do the required chore she doesn’t get her phone.

remove it until the chore is complete

she will do it in a flash

so obsessed with their phones teen girls!!

I wish she would do ot in a flash.

In reality she woulf have an epic tantrum plus a long, drawn- out protracted argument about how i'm a hypocrite as i'm always on my phone!

Mine would be the same and also the comment
' but your making my mental health worse'

I do mindless scrolling when I’m anxious, it fills my brain instead of the worry. Is there anything else you can get her to focus on where she will have to concentrate, something reactive or tiring?

So dd has depression and anxiety but I still don't think that excuses her occasional rudeness and complete inability to help around the house/ phone addiction etc.

Occasional rudeness- I think mental health disabilities do excuse occasional rudeness. Your home is the one place you should be able to be grumpy of you feel like shit. Obviously, if she’s rude all the time and lashing out, yes you’d want to have discussions with here. But even then, I don’t punish for this, I try to connect with them and see if they will tell me what emotions they are feeling if they are being constantly grumpy and rude.

Complete inability to help around the house- Here it depends on the good and bad days with depression and anxiety. If your teen is having a good day, ask nicely if they could do an odd job for you. If they’re having a bad day, be sympathetic and don’t ask for help. Focus more on encouraging her to do self care on a bad day- as in get that shower, get out of bed even if it’s just to sit on the sofa. Try to come down to eat with the family, etc.

Phone addiction- Are they actually addicted to the phone, or is it their only lifeline to their support network of friends in a mentally challenging time? Do they use it as a means to distract from upsetting emotions? I think you need to assess what they are using the phone for and what other options they have before jumping to addiction.