DS17 Drinking

[testingteen]

DS is 17 and basically thinks he is an adult. Has just came home drunk from last nights night out, giving me an absolute mouthful when reminded he is 17 and told that he is embarrassing himself. He's now passed out.

Seems to think that drinking 3/4 nights a week is acceptable and that he can come and go as he pleases.

Had some similar issues a while back and put in some boundaries, but since finishing up school, these have shifted further and further and he thinks he can do as he pleases.

He is the nicest, funniest boy when sober, but when drunk he completely changes and I don't know where that boy goes. It scares me that he will end up on the wrong side of someone, and it hurts me that he can speak to me the way he does as he is otherwise a brilliant boy.

He goes on holiday with friends soon and I'm sick at the thought as he just doesn't know when to stop.

I've told his dad I want him to go there for a few days as I've had enough, and he wouldn't pull this stuff with him. He's fine with that. But is that the wrong thing to do?

Thanks.

Cancel the holiday... he absolutely needs a harsh lesson here.

I should say, he had a tough time during lockdown for reasons other than purely lockdown itself.

6 months ago we managed to get him to try some counselling, which he did, for about 6 weeks. Thought he had turned a corner, but here we are today.

Tbh OP I think it's standard 17 year old boy behaviour. It isn't great that he speaks to you poorly when he's had a drink but he obv hasn't learnt how to handle it. I would chat with him in the morning sober about it - he might not even remember. I also wouldn't cancel the holiday, he's 17, needs to be given some independence and find his feet in the world. My DH went on hol at 17 with a group of friends he ended up falling asleep under a car, also drank a few nights a week according to his mum (didn't speak to her badly though). I met him at 18, he's now 31 is the loveliest bloke, husband and dad (still loves a drink with the lads) and has a brilliant career.

I think if you start doing things like booting him out to his dads, cancelling his holidays etc you're going to drive him away.

Thank you for the replies.

I couldn't bring myself to cancel the holiday. It's this one issue with him, and after the last couple of years, I am so happy that they can get back out and be doing what they should be at 17 (to an extent!)

And yes, I am scared of pushing him away.

Posted too soon.

The holiday is a massive deal to him. There are so many of them going.

I just don't know how to get through to him about the level of drinking and how he changes. I know he'll apologise when he realises how he spoke to me, and I tell him the state he was in, but once the drinking starts, the knowing when to stop obviously just goes.

I'm just wondering what boundaries others have put in drink and curfew wise at this age. There seems no way to enforce it when he's left school and making his money and could just decide not to do as asked.

Could you film his behaviour when he’s drunk and show it to him? I bet he’d be mortified. I don’t think you’re being too harsh at all… it’s shit behaviour whether you are 17 or 40 to speak to people badly when drunk!!! X

I'm not sure a 17 yo going out 3 or 4 times a week and drinking is a big deal is it? Unless he's drinking by himself which indicates a problem, he's just going out and having fun with his friends isn't he?

How he speaks to you when drunk might be an issue, but you haven't really described it so hard to judge - is it 'Get off my case mum I'm just having fun I'm not that drunk' or 'Fuck off you useless bitch'? Big difference.

I assume he's working (apprenticeship?) in which case as long as he manages to turn up for work, and does his share of household stuff (own washing, meal preparation) etc then I think you just have to let him get on with it. Obvs address the way he talks to you if it's abusive though - that needs a rocket up his arse and a not idle threat of not letting him in the house.

@sjxoxo I did this, but immediately deleted it as I felt I had then crossed the line.

I'm saying he'll apologise, but to be honest, I'm not even sure it will be genuine this time.

He's not truthful about the amount he's drinking, and I think that's an issue.

He has a part time job, yes. But slept in for that after this weeks mid week drinking episode. That started with a drink on his own before meeting up, then it was a lie about where and when he stopped drinking.

And yes, it's of the "fuck off, I'm 17" while looking at me like shit variety.

Has he been to sleep at all since he went out last night? I know a few local teenagers that have just kept going and going, fell asleep in the pub then woke up and started being daft and drinking again. I knew one of their parent's and rang them to collect him I have some though and would appreciate a heads up when they're older if they were unsafe or falling asleep everywhere.

Son's not some*

Ok so he getting slaughtered. Tbh that's just what some teenagers do. It's unlikely to cause any long term damage - he'll grow out of it in a few years. And he's pissed off cos you're being a nagging mum. Maybe cut him some slack, hard though it is.

Yes, I think he did sleep briefly.

But wrecked and staggering in the street with no shoes on by 5pm again. Still pissed and swearing (albeit at himself now) at 8pm when he woke and went to the bathroom.

Has no recollection of coming home or how he behaved.

Just to add a different view: I do not think getting drunk 3-4 days a week at 17 is “normal”. For one, old-fashioned as it sounds, it is illegal for him to purchase alcohol so he is compromising someone, if not himself, but underage buying/sharing alcohol. More importantly, perhaps, he is putting his health and perhaps life at risk and making himself very vulnerable to all sorts of accidents by being out of control — a simple as stumbling into the street and being hit by a car, to tripping and falling in front of a train at a station to other, possibly worse, risks.
Is he spending his own money? Or does he receive an allowance from you? If the latter, you could have a discussion around what you consider to be appropriate spending and possibly cut allowance as he isn’t spending wisely. Perhaps save the withheld allowance to give at a later date?) if he lives at home, you can set basic rules — needs to tell you who ha is going out with and where he plans to go, needs to have a tracking app on his phone so can be located if he doesn’t come home, needs to say approx what time he will come home, can “party” no more than two nights per week.