17 year old staying out all night

[troppibambini6]

Hi would really appreciate any feedback on this situation.
Dd is in year 12 and just turned 17 didn't come home last night. She has just got in now.

We are pretty relaxed with her regarding going out she goes in Manchester with her friends gets in at 3 ish. She doesn't have a curfew because up til recently she hasn't needed one and she's 17.

I woke up at 3.45 and she wasn't back so I text her and she responded that she was sorry forgot to phone me she was staying at a friends they got in at 12 (unheard of and she didn't go out til 9) and she has fell asleep. Didn't believe her, snap chat maps had been turned off and she wouldn't answer my call and told me she would be back by 6.

I'm really pissed of with her. This combined with a bad attitude, rudeness l and a total lack of respect for me lately has really annoyed me. I've been awake since 3.45 and have 3 younger children to deal with alone today as dh is away.

My mum lives round the corner and has said eldest can stay with her for a few days to give us a bit of space.

Am I being hard work? Should I just be letting her do her own thing?
I feel like coming in at 7am is a step too far.
Any wise words form those who've done the older teen thing?

Mine would be grounded.
Not so much for the staying out all night, but for the blatant lying and thinking you're still going to fall for it.
Has she told you her battery ran out? That will probably be next.

I certainly would not be sending her to stay at her gran's as that's a win-win for her.

She's 17. She's living under your roof. She keeps you informed as to where she is, and who she's with and what time she's coming home. And that's what time she gets home. Or she doesn't go out.

Thank you @PAFMO that's exactly what I needed to hear.
And yes she you're right she tried the my phone died line too.
Grans is definitely not a soft option for her though.... I feel like by saying she's not welcome for a few days it might make her realise how far she's pushed me?
But maybe that's not the right thing to do...

And I think yes it's the lying thing that's the worst.

I'm a pretty relaxed Mum, but I won't put up with lying and the disrespect of not being kept up to date with the plans.

DS is now 18, so obviously an adult, but I still expect him to just let me know what his plans are, not necessarily exactly where he is, but that he's safe and not coming home. He knows I'd be worrying and that's not on, it's just a bit of courtesy.

Pre 18 he would have been grounded if he'd behaved like your daughter!

It is, isn't it? It's the trust.
Mine is 18 and chunters like anything that , though she doesn't have a curfew as such (but on school nights I'll say "don't be late because you're not having the day off") I ask her to text me every now and then, especially if they're out very late.

How does one actually ground a 17yo?
Do you physically restrain them from leaving the house? If mine was determined to go out I couldn’t stop her.

@familyissues12345 I think that's it, as an adult I would let dh know my plans when I'm going out (roughly) it's just common courtesy.
Gah bloody kids.

@PAFMO absolutely. If she had actually said I'm going to a party won't be back til 4. I wouldn't be over the moon but probably have said ok.
But it's the treating me like I was born yesterday!

@MintyMoocow I'm not really sure! She has a job waitressing and they all usually go out for drink afterwards on a Saturday night.
I know she wouldn't dare do this to my mum or even get in late which was part of my thinking for sending her to stay there for a few days.

After realising she couldn't go out when staying with granny she might realise how good she has it here if she doesn't take the mick?

I don't believe that sending her to yourr mother's is the right thing to do. The book How to talk so teens will listen is good.

I'm not sure how you ground a 17yo!

I've had words with my now 18yo about late nights. Tried to talk calmly next day and explain that yes, he's a big boy and I respect his independence but I still care enough about him that I won't sleep if I don't know he's safe. Also about the disruption in the house when he gets in late. There were sometimes natural consequences attached, e.g. "nope, I can't give you a lift to xyz, I'm way too tired from last night".

It did get through eventually and he's more considerate now - still a party animal but honest about his plans so I can pop some ear plugs in and rest up!

Thanks you at @ChateauMargaux will have a look.
Seems like the general consensus is not to send her...
Will have a think.
I don't know if I trust her to come straight home from work tonight maybe I could keep her home and say I will pick her up from work.
She not going out again tonight.

She even had the bloody nerve at 5.30am to text "mum just get some sleep"

Where do you think she was? What is the lie? That's she was elsewhere or simply that her phone didn't die and she should have messaged you?

I think sending her to her grans is extreme, how have you got to 17 years and the suddenly need to send her to grans for punishment? Or has this always happened?

@frydae she went out into Manchester with a friend at 9. I suspect she might come back to out local town and met up with some of her workmates in a club then maybe at someone's house? Or maybe with a boy? I don't know...

No I don't usually use granny's house a punishment. It was more because she has a lot of respect for my mum. If she has words with any of the kids it seems to have more impact.
I thought maybe alongside my words it might make her actually stop and think.
But maybe I just need to keep her here and have stern words about respect whilst she's living here.

The lies were
I'm at Megan's
I won't be late
I will be back by six
I fell asleep at 12
I'm leaving in a minute
My phone died
I had no signal

Are k so what you need to get to the bottom of is why she has told the lies, what she was actually doing.

Also before using a stern word make sure she was actually ok and safe when she was telling all the lies.

I'm not following very well.
What do you think she was lying about?
Would the truth have been acceptable to you, why did she need to lie?

What matters more to you, knowing the truth or believing she's only doing things you fully approve of?

At her age the boat might very well have sailed.

I have a 17 year old dd and if I said she wasn’t going out, she wouldn’t go but that comes from years of building respect for each other from a very young age.

You might be better equipping her with rules, she has to say where she is and phone tracker on, safety guidance, she is probably quite streetwise now I imagine.

Does she not have work today? She will be knackered, although I remember the days of going out all night and going straight to work, I couldn’t do it now!

I think my main issues are
Coming in at 7 am
When I asked her where she was she lied
When I asked her to get a taxi home she didn't
Her general behaviour and attitude before this happened.

@FAQs yes she's working 3-11. She's really going to struggle!

@troppibambini6 that might serve some natural payback 😁

@FAQs I think you're right!!