Gutted...dd dropped out of d of e expedition due to depression.

[malificent7]

She was working towards her bronze d of e expedition and doing so well despite suffering anxiety and depression.
On her practice expedition she had a panic attack and her friend was horrid to her so she has refused to go on this one.

I'm gutted for her that her mental health is destroying her goals. Her therapist says she's depressed.

Just think of it as not destroying the goals and more like moving the goal post. If she is depressed and having panic attacks then right now she needs all the love and understanding you can give her.
As parents we worry that our children would not be fit for an adult life if they are not resilient enough and I get your concerns. But a person who feels cornered will either fight or flight. If you are worried that your DD has chosen to flight then don't. It is not because she is scared but it could be that the other person is/was a friend and at that age friendship loyalties matter, also a break in friendship would mean being lonely till you find a new friend and because she is a friend and her being mean hurts more.
Just let her know it's alright. Give her time, don't talk too much about it and she will be alright eventually. If you can, may be look for some activities she can do outside of school where she can make some new friends.

D of E are not the only option. How old is she? My DC is about to do NCS at age 16 which is just as well thought of.

Sounds more like she dropped out because her friend, rather than being supportive, was a dick. This is a fair enough reason to drop out of an event, and DofE is tough enough anyway without your team being crap.

What was she getting out of the DofE and can that be achieved in other ways? Make it a journey not a destination.

D of E expeditions are tough. Uf she's not in the right place doesnt have the right supportive teammates it is good and healthy that she is brave enough to say "not right now" .

She has until her 25th birthday to complete D of E if she wants to. You don't have to do it in a rush as soon as you meet the minimum age. If she wants to pursue it in future it will be there.

Sometimes it's just not the right time and by pausing and returning to it in future when things are different, then it can be the brilliant confidence-building experience it should be rather than a negative miserable one.

Which is much better than forcing herself through it when it's not right and having a miserable soul-destroying time.

Big picture. It's not the end of the world and doesn't matter. Don't make this into some character-defining "disaster" when it's really not.

Can she swap group? It is far from the end of the world tbh , maybe look at NCS in a couple of years as an alternative or she can progress to Silver if she would like to resume and use her volunteering, skill etc (although that is worth it in itself).

Sounds like she dropped out due to her friend which I’ve definitely experienced when working with teens before, depression or not.
I would be focused on helping her focus on navigating her friendships and regulating her mood.

Maybe try and re frame this for her/you....She took a positive decision to protect her mental health and avoid toxic people. It's her choice and she made the best one for her- she is in control of the situation.
If she wants to...she can find somewhere to do it another time with different people. If she isn't bothered that's fine too. Don't make this a bigger deal than it needs to be for you or her. Demands and expectations make things so much worse if your mental health is suffering and can make you feel like you are failing or a disappointment. Making a decision which protects her mental health and saying 'fuck it, not worth it' is something to be applauded.

Isn’t the point of all these things to learn resilience? Push through adversity and all that? Only you can know if your DD is truly unwell or just doesn’t feel like it. If she’s truly unwell then clearly she doesn’t carry on. If she’s just having a bad day and is a bit down about it, I’d encourage her to try. It’s hard to tell these days.

She needs to ditch this so called friend. This little bitch has latched on to your daughter and is draining her joy to make herself feel better . She will do this every time your daughter achieves something or is happy about something .

I actually think it is a positive thing for a teenager to be brave enough to say no to something everyone expects her to do. Don't be gutted, be proud of her bravery.

Part of the training is supposed to include team building. Learning to manage each other and yourself.

Did the supervisor know her MH history, did they discuss coping strategies and how to manage set backs?

Is this with the school?
She hasn't failed she has 'deferred'.
She can complete it up until her 25th.

It really pisses me off how crap DofE provision is in schools! Do it properly or don't bother! They make it into a joke not even doing the bare minimum to get the kids over the line.
It doesn't give anyone the experience it is supposed to.

It really pisses me off how crap DofE provision is in schools!

It's a massive undertaking that teachers give up their time for free to organise on top of their full time jobs.

D of E can push people to the edge physically and mentally.

Her friend may not have been I'm a position to offer any support. Support can not be demanded or expected

The entire team needs to arrive together and when one person is holding everyone up tensions rise.

I did gold and one of my team informed the other girl that she could hurry the fuck up or she would be going down the mountain a lot faster than she wanted.

We were all thinking it.

If she can't do it now there is nothing to say she can't do it in the future.

You're talking about another 16 year old. Who probably has sweet FA training in MH issues

Do you know this girl or did you just pull all that out your arse?

She's ill so it is wise for her not to go. Just as you'd not want her to go if she has an epileptic episode or diabetic coma. The focus should not be on missing an expedition - she has a lifetime ahead to do those. It should be on giving her the space and support she needs to get well.

Reassure her that is was the right thing to do, that it is responsible of her to recognise the need to back out. Reassure er there will be plenty of opportunities to go on similar trips late rin life if she wants, when she is well. And please reassure her that Dof E is only an end in itself. Unis don't give a damn whether you do it or not.

Long term, you;ll both care deeply whether she gets well and neither of you will care whether she camped for two nights. At all.

So do I. 100%. Incredibly brave and mature to stick up for what she actually needs right now.

I cannot agree more with previous posters saying that your DD should be infinitely proud of herself that she took this decision.
My DD1 should have had a year in a foreign country as part of her degree but it pushed her anxiety to the point of breaking.

She was fortunate on that her uni were so respectful of her situation and gave her a free pass to go into her final year.
Quite frankly it would have stressed me out far more if it were me because she had only three weeks to reapply for correct student loan and find accommodation.
But I was so incredibly proud of how she dealt with it all and has learnt she is much stronger than she thought she was. It would have been easier to go abroad but not the right thing for her.
She does kind of regret that decision but she has had a great final year and still heading for a first 🤞

She can still go on and do her silver DofE with her cohort next year if she wants- she just has to do a longer stint in one of the activities. My son missed out on so much this year, inc DofE, due to a nasty broken leg. She's getting treatment and hopefully will be better soon, just as my son is getting physio and hopefully will be able to aim for his goals again next year.

I don't think she will do d of e tbh. She hates walking, hates camping and wants to bond with me by watching love islsnd.

I love walking and camping and hate love island. I hate love island .l too am depressed...i don't find parenting fun.

It sounds like she’s made the right decision. No point in doing d of E if you aren’t going to enjoy it.

Why on earth did she sign up in the first place if she hates walking/camping etc?

Thanks.

I give up 3 weekends without pay, voluntarily spend time with students instead if my family, traipse miles, sleep in a field, get up to reprimand people being idiots at 2am, comfort and encourage strugglers, take responsibility for dozens of teenagers, exhaust myself totally, and some random on the internet feels qualified to tell me I’m crap and doing the best minimum

Op. D of E isn’t a walk over. If someone can’t cope, they get deferred. It has to be quite strict to mean anything. It doesn’t sound like your DD really wants to do it or is willing or able to commit to completing the challenge

I'm a DofE supervisor so I know what time is involved.

I just don't think that it should be in schools.

The basic tenants of the expedition is minimal outside interference while on The expedition. How is camping with them and monitoring their behaviour all night minimal?
It isn't.
If they want to stay up talking and mucking about until 2am then they learn how hard it is to walk 5-6hrs the next day.
This kids doing DofE with schools around me are not being given the ideal experience. I say this having seen 100's of kids doing DofE through various providers over the last 20 years.

Barely any training, the actual expeditions heavily supervised by teachers or else not real expeditions with covid still being used as a get out.
One school has them carrying one burner cased camping stoves rather than teaching them to use trangias. They are only doing one day of walking and have no idea about the 20 conditions.
Kids come to me with silver DofE awards who can't use a compass or locate themselves on a map.
They get away with it because the supervisor can be the assessor for bronze.
Just look at other DofE threads where parents pack the bags and plan the food.
It's pointless and not what the award is about.

Yes well I’m sure there are loads of out of school providers queuing up to offer it to kids for free.