Help with careless/destructive teen

[Barbequedays]

Please help because I'm at the end of my tether and I feel as though my relationship with my teen is breaking down altogether.

14 year old ds is so careless and destructive.

Examples, I worked out that he's caused around £2000 or more worth of damage in our over the years. Some of it is accidental/carelessness, some of it is doing things that he's been repeatedly asked not to do but ignored us, and some of it is deliberate but cosmetic damage to items that he just thinks doesn't matter because the item still works.

That's not including the things that he's lost over the years, although he is getting a bit better with not losing things.

I find him very lazy and untidy, this may be normal for teenagers I don't know, but he leaves rubbish everywhere, he hides cups and plates in his room, he hides his dirty washing and puts clean things back in the wash because he's too lazy to put them away. He is often rude when asked to do things eye rolling, huffing saying why should he.

I just get the impression with him that he doesn't care at all, he will say sorry and promise to be more careful but it's only because he thinks that's what I want to hear.

Some of this is pretty normal teen behaviour and unlikely to be deliberate - like you say, it's thoughtless. What consequences do you apply when stuff gets broken?
My DSD was a bit like this. If it was her own stuff and she was unconcerned, then so be it.

So usually if he breaks something that's his own I won't replace it. His grandma bought him a tablet a few years ago and he broke the charging port because of the way he was using it even though I'd constantly told him that it was going his break.

His attitude was to say oh well I wasn't bothered about it anyway.

He's picked all the covering on arms on his gaming chair, he's badly stained his carpet in his room. He knocked his tv over and smashed it. He's trashed the garden completely with his football and so much more.

Apart from just not replacing things I've made him do chores to help replace things that did need replacing, I've done games console bans, but I feel he's getting too old now for this.

He doesn't go out all that much with friends anyway and when he does he behaves and generally does what he's supposed to be doing. He plays sport I have no real problems with him apart from breaking things but his careless attitude is driving me insane.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh.

Our garden is for using. My boys still go out most days and kick a football.
You say your son rarely goes out so let him use the lawn for football, or insist he goes to the park.
You can have a perfect garden when he leaves home.
I would let him do what he wants in his room, but the washing would annoy me.
I have told my 14 y o he will need to do his own washing if he doesn't put clean washing away - and I mean it.

I don't mind him using the garden of course, but he's broken every single fence panel over the years. We can't afford to keep replacing them.

It's not that I'm worried about fancy plants or solar lights it's the fences and the guttering. He kicks the ball as hard as he can against the fences. I wouldn't mind him playing but he won't be careful.

If he breaks his own stuff then it should not be replaced and you just say that on repeat. If he is breaking other peoples stuff then he needs to be made to pay for a replacement. His room is his own space and I would give him a laundry basket and make it his responsibility to fill it and bring it down. Cups and plates left in rooms is my big bug bear as well but once a week I just say that there is a mug amnesty and all cups are bought down without consequences, not a battle worth fighting. If he loses his own bits well so be it, as long as you are calm and clear that you will not replace there is not much more you can do. They do change but the lack of respect for possessions is always very frustrating.

If you have boys playing football in the garden what do you do about the fences? We haven't got a massive garden. I've asked him just to practise his kick ups rather than kicking it against fences or to use a softer ball or to go to the field to play..

Thanks for the replies. Growing up I lived in a scruffy house, I never had anything new or anything nice, dh and I work so hard and it's really frustrating seeing him treat things without a care in the world. But it's really good to get a bit of perspective because I am getting really angry with him at times.

My DS (15) is the same.

And I’m starting to really resent him.

We don’t didn’t have a lot either, so we’re trying to build a lovely home and he couldn’t care less about any damage he’s caused.

Sorry that doesn’t help you, but you have my full sympathy 💐

My garden has zones, so the children can play football and other garden games in the zone with the playhouse. Then we have the hot tub zone,separated by different colour flagstones (no children allowed they're too young) and the final zone which is full of flowerbeds and nice grass next to the patio. Works well and I don't mind if the children destroy "their" grass, I might replace it with astroturf one day, but I don't really like it.

Did you read the part where OP says she doesn’t have a massive garden?

Tone deaf

If he breaks things, don't replace them. End of