14 yo come home and told us she got caught stealing

[soupmaker]

She and a pal went into town after school and got caught shop lifting in Primark. DD took an item of clothing she could easily have paid for. Got stopped by security guard on the way out, given a proper talking to by the Manager and banned from stores. Manager didn't call the police only because they are 14 and immediately confessed.

She came home and confessed. Lots of tears and saying sorry and saying how ashamed she is of what she did. She also understood how a police record could affect her future.

So, I was calm and told her I was so disappointed in her. Made her tell her dad, who also did the same. Told her she needs to deal with the consequences of not being able to shop in Primark with other pals. She confessed her best pal had stolen before and got away with it.

What do we do now? She does seem very sorry and understands the potential consequences but I think she needs consequences. I've never been keen on grounding. I'm considering with holding her allowance and banning her going shopping with pals for a while.

WWYD?

She sounds like a lovely girl who made a stupid mistake. I would ban her shopping with friends for a while. I'd also make her miss out on pocket money to the value of what she stole.

I wouldn't really be worried though - I had a little run of nicking from primark as a teen and I've turned out well! She sounds like she's had a good shock already and won't be doing it again

I think it’s amazing she came home and told you. I wouldn’t have told my parents at that age and they were good parents. Not being able to go into primark with her friends will probably be punishment enough I reckon. I would be expecting exemplary behaviour for a long time though.

She's great usually, for a 14 year old! Works hard at school. Has an interest (sport) which she trains hard in. She has the usually teenage thing of thinking the world revolves round her. But I do think she's had a right shock and I remember I pinched a lipstick out of Boots about the same age and felt such shame that was the one and only time. Shopping ban seems like a winner.

@mushforbrain she cleared the table and offered to do some ironing. She's going to need to do a lot of that.

Not a big fan of punishment.
I am a big fan of the 'meaningful conversation ' and you've had that.

Know what, most will disagree but I'd tell her I respect her apology and confession and I trust her to have learned her lesson.

No further punishment but trust in her in the future.

It can be harder to betray trust than rail against punishment.

Maybe suggest she spends the money she would have spent this month on items for a food bank.

Sounds like you have handled this well.

If it was me, based on what you've wrote, I'd draw a line under the situation, then have more robust measures in place for when or if, it happens again.

She has made a mistake, admitted it and you both handled it beautifully.

I’m usually a fan of punishment, but not in this case. She basically got away with it and still came home and told you everything. I’d leave it at that tbh. Obviously if it happens again then I’d come down like a ton of bricks

There's a lot of tik tok trends at the moment about stealing from Primark. I think its wonderful she's come home and confessed. Like others have said, shes had punishment by being banned from Primark.

I think all of us do something like that at 14. God I was doing a lot of 5 finger shopping at that age!

Nice idea from others about donating her weekly allowance to a food bank / charity instead to pay it forward.

In your case I really don't think she will be doing it again.

Not a big fan of punishments. Am a fan of natural consequences. The natural consequence here is that she is unable to shop in primark with her friends. It is also that she knows you are disappointed in her.

It seems as though she is already punishing herself and understands that she needs to regain your trust. Credit to your daughter and your parenting as well that she felt able to be honest with you.

A temporary ban on shopping with her friends is as far as I would take this in terms of consequences and then trusting her to make better choices in future.

For what it’s worth, kids at my school often used to nick little bits from Claire’s accessories back in the day. I don’t think any of them have gone on to become hardened criminals.

Honestly I think it speaks volumes that she came home and told you. I'd draw a line under it, she probably got scared today after being talked to by security and manager. I think a short break from shopping with friends might be a sensible take

Thanks everyone. Sometimes you wonder if your parenting is even close to adequate. A break from shopping with friends has been imposed and we've had the chat about continuing to be trusted but with that comes responsibility. Fingers crossed lesson well and truly learnt.