Dd dosn't want to know step cousin. Step cousin and mum are upset.

[malificent7]

Dd and step cousin used to be very close but had rows like any kids.
Since the pandemic, dd(14) has decided she no longer wants to hang out with this girl as they have grown apart.
I do feel sad that they have grown apart but step cousin has been a bit mean and controlling in the past so i don't blame dd.

Step cousin's mum ( my friend and step sister) says she wants to keep the kids apart to emotionally protect her dd as she gets upset when my dd dosn't want to hang out.

Trouble is, dd dosn't see her step cousin like she does her biological cousins as they are not blood related. The bond just isn't there.

I don't want to fall out with my friend ( and step sister). Is she being overly dramatic or is my dd being mean by preferring friends from school to a girl who she was thrown together with through adult relations ( the grandparents are together: my dad got together with friend's dad after mum's death but that's another thread!).

As long as they are civil at family occasions, there is no reason cousins have to be close friends. Or indeed siblings. Or friends children.

So your dd doesn’t want to hang out with step cousin - and step cousins mum doesn’t want them to hang out? What exactly is the problem?

What are you upset with her mother for and why would you fall out? You don’t seem to want to force your daughter to hang out with this girl and her mother agrees they should not hang out so?

Is it that step cousins mum doesn’t want your daughter hanging out with her daughter that bothers you because you feel like she’s making your daughter out to be the mean girl? Even though you don’t want them hanging out either?

Anyway unless it’s close family step family aren’t real relations.

Trouble is, dd dosn't see her step cousin like she does her biological cousins as they are not blood related. The bond just isn't there

Is this because they didn't grow-up together? Or have they known each other since they were very little?

They have known each other since they were little but they just fight too much.

Not sure why i posted really. I'm just sad. The irony is, the mum wanted them to hang around together against dds wishes at first....now she's had to admit defeat.

It just makes it really gard for me to see my dad and dds granddad as he is always hanging round with this part of the family.

I think dd is being made out to be the mean girl yes but in the past this girl has threatened my dd. There is no point mentioning it to my friend though as she won't believe me and will get defensive. Her dd said " i will kill you and throw you into a bush."

load of fuss about nothing.

I think it's interesting she doesn't see them the same way as her bio cousins even though they've known each other from when they were little. If she argued with her bio cousins a lot, she probably wouldn't feel the same way about them as she does towards her step cousin. I have step-cousins who I'm aware aren't blood related but it's never made any difference because we grew up as cousins. Tbh even the ones who aren't "step" anymore due to relationships ending are still counted as my cousins and we still see them, sort of once a cousin always a cousin type thing. My nan would be the same with step-grandkids. Acknowledging the "step" just isn't done. Tbh I've got cousins who were never married in to the family, just their mum (I call auntie) was in a relationship with my uncle for some years and they had their own kid together etc

But we all have different opinions on these types of things and families do things differently. There's not much anyone can do or should to change her opinion I guess. Can't change how she feels for sure!

I do find it interesting how these ideas about family are so different between people. Not in a bad way, just genuinely interesting. I used to know someone who thought half-siblings were "less important" than full-siblings for example, which I and many others wouldn't think.

I guess you just let them get on with it?? What more can you do, force then to spend time together? It just is this way.

((although none of my cousin's said they'd kill me and put me in a bush))

He r bio cousins didn't fight with her....they get on like a house on fire!

I think it's quite interesting she is differentiating between her step cousin, and her blood cousins, if they've known eachother all their lives. My cousins and I fought all the time, mainly because we spent so much time together! So I'm not sure the fact she isn't blood related matters.

Although given you've described your step sister as friend before you've described her as sister, perhaps shows a similar way of thinking to your daughter.

We were friends first and our parents only got together when we were in our 30s so to me she is a friend 1st!

We introduced our parents...wed been friends before then.

What in god’s name is a step cousin??

The children of step siblings.

Oh wow, I'm sure that was a big change for yous!

I wouldn't force the friendship, but also wouldn't draw a line under it completely. Like I said, I fought with my cousins, and the one who I fought with the most I'm actually closest to now!! We got on like a house on fire, but clashed massively too! We went through stages growing up where we wouldn't see eachother that often, but still remained close.

So if, for example, my DD was to have a child and her step sister had a child those children would be step cousins.

I don't blame your DD for not wanting to hang out with someone who said
Her dd said " i will kill you and throw you into a bush
I think you should have told her mother she said that straight away, even if she didn't believe you, even if it did upset her.
I feel sorry for your DD knowing she has to go to a house where someone will treat her like that.
at 14 she knows her own mind.
and the situation is awkward but it's far better to be honest about it. Not saying anything has led to your friend saying she doesn't want your DD to play with hers. Clearly her DD has said something about yours.
I think your DD needs to know you'd support her on any future visits, by keeping a close eye on her during visits and letting her know she could come to you and you would quietly deal with it or take her home.

Maybe visit your dad on your own with DD occasionally or now that she's older let her stay at home if she wants to.

No one has to hang out with someone they don’t want to hang out with but biology has nothing to do with it. She is your sisters child. Regardless of blood line - goodness where would you put adopted kids in this scenario? In our family all children are equal regardless of blood line

You can't force people to like one another, and these two clearly are not going to see eye to eye.

On another note, I'm not sure just how much of a friend your step sister actually is if she would refuse to believe you about her dd being unpleasant to yours, and that is why they don't get on.

@It just makes it really gard for me to see my dad and dds granddad as he is always hanging round with this part of the family.

I think that you need to carry on seeing your dad and getting the children to act maturely about the situation. It's not like at 14 that they have to leave the house and play together in the garden when they visit. They can acknowledge one another, lead by example, then participate in conversation or sit their not doing whatever they'd do otherwise. I'm not sure at 14,that I see why this now needs to be made into a big thing. It's literally only seeing one another ad hoc I presume.
As for the destbthreat, I think that if my child said that, regardless of how I'd react to you, I'd want to know and if that has any bearing on this, I'd want to know.

Kids drift apart. They find their own friends just like adults do

There's nothing about being blood related which makes it more likely to have a bond with someone - that is a big red herring. She can, however, choose who she spends time with.