Most teens are lovely

[12Thorns]

I feel sad and worried when I read threads where poor behaviour, even aggression is accepted as normal teenage behaviour.

it really really is not. Most teens are lovely. Around 10% of the thousands I have taught have some genuine anger/ severe mood swings through hormonal changes, and most of those can manage these feelings perfectly well without having a major negative impact on others.

please please please don’t stop disciplining/rewarding/parenting your teen if they are difficult. They need parenting at this stage more than they do at the 8-12 year old stage.

and don’t accept bad behaviour as an inevitable teen thing. It isn’t

I agree. I hate the threads where parents say that swearing and abusive behaviour is just what teens do. It's really not. I don't agree however that they need you more at that age. I think that your children need parenting all through childhood, it's just a different kind of parenting, and you need to loosen the reigns on teens slightly and allow them some independence.

l agree, most teenagers l know are lovely to be around, some of my sons friends l have known since days at nursery, now they are strapping young lads all doing their own thing, but still have a tight friendship.

Exactly
Completely subjective

Honestly? Of course the home setting and parenting has a significant impact on the a teen's development, but to a certain extent I think it is the luck of the draw how hormones affect your individual child. Neither of my teens are in to alcohol or partying or rebelling against the rules particularly, but one of them is very energetic, and very anxious, and while she behaves extremely well outside of the home and she is academically bright, she is susceptible to stress and and she lets off steam at home. When she is particularly stressed or tired, she becomes quite argumentative and obstinate. The other is more placid and confident in temperament but has had academic struggles. Both of them have caused me to worry for entirely different reasons! And both of them changed a lot once adolescence struck.

I think it is great if parenting a teen hasn't caused you any anxiety at all and your dcs have sailed through adolescence without any major problems, but I don't mind admitting that the teenage years have been the hardest for me. But I don't happen to agree that admitting this is the same as "not standing up for teens". It's not the same thing at all!

It is possible to find teens absolutely exasperating and yet still love them beyond words! And it is ok imho to find parenting a teen very draining without thinking all teens are poorly behaved or defective in some way!

Some babies sleep and feed well and others don't allow their parents a single night of unbroken sleep for the first six months. That doesn't mean that those particular parents of newborns condemn all babies collectively for being difficult! And it is exactly the same with teens!

So I don't really understand the premise of the op, and don't really find threads like these particularly helpful, first because imho there isn't enough support out there for parents of teens who are struggling, and second because of the implication that somehow if you find your teen difficult, then you don't love them as much as a parent who finds the adolescent years easier to negotiate, and I don't happen to think that's true at all! You can absolutely love the very bones of your teen and still find parenting them quite stressful! And I think it is fine to admit that. But I don't think it is ok to be judgy or superior about it when someone is finding their teen difficult or emotionally draining to parent, and is expressing that view either on Mumsnet, or elsewhere.

You wouldn't condemn new mothers for complaining about their newborns and how they have kept them awake for three nights in a row? Why is it any different with parents of teens? Why assume they think that "all teens are awful" just because they are venting about their particular teen and are genuinely finding things difficult?

So I don't really understand the premise of the op, and don't really find threads like these particularly helpful, first because imho there isn't enough support out there for parents of teens who are struggling, and second because of the implication that somehow if you find your teen difficult, then you don't love them as much as a parent who finds the adolescent years easier to negotiate, and I don't happen to think that's true at all!

I read the OP completely differently. I think her concern is the number of threads on here where someone asks about really significant problems with a teen (such as assaulting a parent, aggressive language, complete disregard for family norms and the well-being of younger children, serious drug use etc) and is told that this is normal teen behaviour and to be expected. It isn't normal and it isn't helpful to tell a struggling mum that it is- it might delay her seeking help or make her feel that she ought to be coping better (after all, if it's "normal" what's the problem?)

I think the posts that suggest that sort of behaviour is normal often come with a "teens will be teens" angle- that after about 14 there's nothing you can do except either suck it up or kick them out. That really isn't true and it's not helpful for people to suggest that it is.

Totally agree FearlessFreddie that, obviously, assault and drug use should not be classed as "normal" or "inevitable" behaviour but op is not very specific in her opening post about what constitutes "poor behaviour" and says that only 10 per cent have "genuine" anger or severe mood swings. I would put the figure a bit higher than that but I don’t claim to have any special expertise in the area, except as a parent of teens, with many friends and family who have teens too, whose dc are going through difficult times, especially post pandemic.

I totally agree with the op that teens need parenting just as much as they did under the age of 12 but that the kind of parenting you do needs to be different, giving the teen more trust, freedom and responsibility than previously, with those three things dependent on the other.

Ideally, the main influence on a teen should first and foremost be their parents and family and extended family, and it is the quality of those relationships that, generally speaking, prevents them [at the extreme end of the spectrum] from going completely off the rails, but that is not to say also that some teens can be resistant to advice from parents, and can sometimes be too easily influenced in a negative way if they fall in with the wrong crowd. That is not to abdicate parental responsibility at all, but parents are not always in control over who their dc mix with at school or in their local area for example. Less well off families may not have the same choices that more privileged families are able to exercise in this respect [and no I don’t mean that private schools are necessarily better, sometimes they are worse, I mean that it is harder for some families to move jobs or move house say if a teen is needing to change schools or remove themselves from a particular peer group].

So while I agree that it is very important not to malign all teens and automatically assume that their behaviour will be poor, I do think you have to take in to account the circumstances and personalities of individual teens at a fast changing developmental stage where their limbic systems are not quite aligned with their frontal cortexes, which can be very challenging for them and their respective families. To say "all teens are lovely" is a bit simplistic imho because while being absolutely lovely in every way they can at the very same time, generally speaking, be quite self centred, moody, impulsive etc. That doesn’t in any way take away their essential loveliness ifyswim, it just means that they can be a bit up and down, lovely one minute and a bit challenging the next. You love them all the same, just as you would a grumpy toddler, that does not change, despite behaviour which is sometimes less than optimal! They are a work in progress, and like all of us, not perfect!

It's a bit like saying " all newborns are great sleepers" though isn't it? Some are, some aren't.

Dd is great but troubled. She has a good side and a very difficult side. She is...well ...human!

Mine are absolutely delightful. They really are. I found parenting my eldest really hard up until he was around 14 but even then it was mostly pushing boundaries and tantrum like behaviour. I always thought OMG if this is how he is now how will I cope with a teen? Then everything calmed down and its been 90% plain sailing.