Leaving the nest early

Munchkinn · 2022-06-05T06:54:51+00:00

After 25 yrs of marriage, in Nov 2019 my ex husband and I (amicably) separated and moved into separate homes. Our son, then 15, spent 3 nights with me and 4 with his dad. He turned 18 in January and this dropped to 2 nights with me. Last night he came home but didn’t even stay - he just went in the middle of the night without even telling me! (We hadn’t had a row or anything, everything was fine). After being the stay at home mum and doing everything for him, I feel really sad that he now prefers to stay with his dad. Do I say anything? I live on my own and have no partner, I want him to be with me because he wants to be not because he feels he has to be. It’s just galling after all I’ve done for him he wants to live with his dad.

KangarooKenny · 05/06/2022 07:57

I’m interested in the replies because, despite me being a SAHM and doing everything for them, mine prefer dad too.

lassof · 05/06/2022 08:00

My 18 year old did that last night, but he's gone to a friends. I've found at that age they are barely in the house most of the time, just hanging out at other friends' houses. So I wouldn't worry about where he chooses to sleep. Can you and him go out for a meal/get takeaway/do something fun? Or let him have friends over and buy them all pizza if you want him around more?

Original poster

Munchkinn · 05/06/2022 08:00

KangarooKenny · 05/06/2022 07:57

I’m interested in the replies because, despite me being a SAHM and doing everything for them, mine prefer dad too.

I feel for you, it’s kinda reassuring to know it’s not just me x

OP posts:

Original poster

Munchkinn · 05/06/2022 08:05

lassof · 05/06/2022 08:00

My 18 year old did that last night, but he's gone to a friends. I've found at that age they are barely in the house most of the time, just hanging out at other friends' houses. So I wouldn't worry about where he chooses to sleep. Can you and him go out for a meal/get takeaway/do something fun? Or let him have friends over and buy them all pizza if you want him around more?

I wouldn’t mind at all if he did that, it’s more that he clearly wants to stay with his dad rather than we me, after all I did for him, it’s like a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:

MintJulia · 05/06/2022 08:06

He's 18, it's a bank holiday weekend, of course he is out and about. That doesn't mean he prefers his dad, it may be closer to a train station or to his night out.
It may be his dad was away and he had the place to himself.
There are so many possibilities.
He's grown up now, just make sure he knows he and his friends are always welcome and that there's plenty of food in the freezer.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 05/06/2022 08:09

I don’t think 18 is a young age to be leaving home and he isn’t leaving home he is going to his Dad’s house or maybe even a booty call if he is leaving in the middle of the night.

How has your relationship adapted to him becoming an adult? MIL struggled with that transition and even now still tries to baby her adult children who are in their 30s. Unfortunately it just pushes them away.

MolliciousIntent · 05/06/2022 08:09

I think the SAHM thing can often backfire for a bit when they're teens - I personally remember feeling a bit overwhelmed by the fact that the only thing my mum did was be my mum, it felt pretty suffocating as I was trying to find my independence. Dad on the other hand had a lot of other stuff going on, so it didn't feel so full-on a relationship, which really suited me as a teen.

onedayiwillflyaway1 · 05/06/2022 08:18

I can understand how you feel. I'm separated from my DH nearly 5 years. My DC now have a closer relationship with their dad which I am very pleased about. When they were little they were closer to me as I was the main caregiver and did all the appointments, school, health checks, days out, fun days in baking, arranging sleepovers taxi service etc. Dad worked away a lot and was a grumpy pub going type when at home, so was absent for most of the time. I was a little hurt initially however I have tons of fond memories where as my ex has lots of regrets and is rebuilding a relationship with them which takes time.
After going through a period of depression and feeling like a discarded spare part I'm trying to flip these thoughts around and enjoy the time I have to myself. It's been tough adjusting to a new status quo but necessary.

KangarooKenny · 05/06/2022 11:49

onedayiwillflyaway1 · 05/06/2022 08:18

I can understand how you feel. I'm separated from my DH nearly 5 years. My DC now have a closer relationship with their dad which I am very pleased about. When they were little they were closer to me as I was the main caregiver and did all the appointments, school, health checks, days out, fun days in baking, arranging sleepovers taxi service etc. Dad worked away a lot and was a grumpy pub going type when at home, so was absent for most of the time. I was a little hurt initially however I have tons of fond memories where as my ex has lots of regrets and is rebuilding a relationship with them which takes time.
After going through a period of depression and feeling like a discarded spare part I'm trying to flip these thoughts around and enjoy the time I have to myself. It's been tough adjusting to a new status quo but necessary.

The ‘feeling like a discarded spare part’ is how I feel right now.
Perhaps we need to start a club.

onedayiwillflyaway1 · 05/06/2022 14:12

I'd join your club! Honestly he still loves you, it's a transition. Not an easy one usually coinciding with menopause (well it is in my case).
Like I said it hit me hard, but I've tried to look at it differently and I'm now enjoying my independence and working through my bucket list. Also when I do see them I try not to be the pining mum, my mum does this with me I don't spend enough time with her, this just makes me feel guilty and pushes me away.