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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Please help!

19 replies

Sevenfifty · 02/06/2022 19:57

i’ve just found out that my DD (16 next month) has had sex with a boy she’s denied all along is her boyfriend. I found out because she has told her best friend who has told her mum, who has told me.

I don’t know what my reaction should be. I did suggest, when I first suspected that they were a couple, that she should think about going on the pill. She was pretty horrified at the idea and assured me she wasn’t having sex (which I don’t think she was at the time).
Is this a normal thing? They’ve used condoms apparently. I’m just so upset about it. Do I need to speak to her again about it? Is this what nearly 16 year olds are doing?
Please advise 🙈

OP posts:

SchoolThing · 02/06/2022 19:58

Why are you upset?

This is all very normal apart from absolutely everyone breaking her confidence, what a crap best friend she has.

MolliciousIntent · 02/06/2022 19:59

Very normal, do not get upset, don't let on that you know, but mention to her again that she could go on the pill, and remind her that she should always use condoms as well anyway.

Also, what a shit thing for her best friend to do, maybe find a way to let your DD know that this girl can't be trusted.

MolliciousIntent · 02/06/2022 20:00

@SchoolThing jinx. That's what really stood out to me from this post, what a shitty friend.

hitrewind · 02/06/2022 20:00

The legal age of consent is 16. It's normal. Make sure she's got easy access to condoms and knows she can come to you at any time, and leave her to it.

Original poster

Sevenfifty · 02/06/2022 20:01

I don’t know why I’m upset. I guess I don’t particularly like or trust this boy . He had a girlfriend when I suspect they started going out. I think she’s too young. I know there’s nothing I can do about it but I just hadn’t expected it so soon.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sevenfifty · 02/06/2022 20:03

Also, I know he smokes weed and cigarettes. I guess I should face that she’s probably doing that as well.

OP posts:

CheshireCats · 02/06/2022 20:06

I would also be concerned op. DD is still only 15 and even if 16, it's still very young.
Pp's saying it totally normal, leave her to it... do you actually have DD's of the sam age? Because, if you are parenting girls of this age, surely you would at least want to make sure she's using contraception. Yes, she's used condoms this once, but the pill etc would be much more reliable.

yikesanotherbooboo · 02/06/2022 20:13

Condoms plus the pill or whatever she chooses for contraception but please don't let her know that you don't approve of her boyfriend.

Original poster

Sevenfifty · 02/06/2022 20:18

@yikesanotherbooboo She doesn’t know I don’t like him. He spends lots of time here (emptying my fridge) and I’m always lovely to him.

OP posts:

BenchOfCompany · 02/06/2022 20:21

I would just address the topic of contraception again without ever telling her you know she is sexually active. Remind her that you would he happy to help her access any contraceptives, that condoms are more protection than just pregnancy. If you are comfortable then you could also tell her that should she need to access the morning after pill you will help her with that and no judgement.

I would also talk about consent and respect, boundaries and feeling safe.

lljkk · 02/06/2022 20:25

What Does knowing they had sex actually change ?

You didn't like him before anyway.

Teenagers lie to protect relationships. She didn't know her future or she didn't want to upset you pointlessly or have to explain why it happened.

What matters is how she feels about herself & does she have people in her life who support her to have a positive mindset. You want to be someone she can bring her problems to and that in a non-pushy ways reminds her that she deserves to have nice people, nice relationships, and nice experiences in her life.

if you can make your knowledge of their liaison into a positive thing, a way to get better communication, then it might be worth telling her what you know. Otherwise, keep quiet on that point.

SchoolThing · 03/06/2022 01:09

You are absolutely allowed to feel concerned and to dislike her boyfriend/not boyfriend.

But you need to contain those feelings and not project them into her.

The average age for first sex is 14 so we parents have to be on our children’s side to try to help them get to grips with issues of consent, sexual health, and well-being. It’s huge, but unfortunately this is what’s happening.

Monty27 · 03/06/2022 05:04

First sex is quite important and you need to be there for her.
It's a shame she didn't get a chance to tell you herself.
That's not helpful. No matter that for now though. Support her in every way you can. I'd be fuming at the friend but save that for later.

twoblueskies · 03/06/2022 09:17

It sounds like she's sorting it out herself . The friend should not have broken confidence , my dd best friend did that over a suspected overdose and unprotected sex which I totally get but not sex using a condom .

I would not alienate or humiliate my dd by asking her but I would maybe have a conversation started by saying " now you are nearly 16 and have a boyfriend do you know you can sort out contraception here ? And give her contact details of nearest sexual health clinic . Then tell her that if she needs to talk about it with you she can without judgement

Original poster

Sevenfifty · 03/06/2022 10:54

Thanks to you all for replying. We had a drive out last night (dropping boyfriend home) and had a chat on the way home. I went round the houses a bit as we were talking about her prom and what if she has her period that day. I took the chance to say that if she wanted to go on the pill it would make her cycle much more predictable. I thought that would give her chance to say if she wanted to go on it. She doesn’t want to. She’s scared it’ll
make her put on weight!

OP posts:

SchoolThing · 03/06/2022 11:06

I’m confused, why would having a period be an issue for the prom? And how does this tie in with an open conversation about sex?

it reads as though you are trying to manipulate your daughter into taking the pill to satisfy your own anxiety, surely you see this is deeply inappropriate?

btw it is very common for girls and women not to want to take the pill for fear of gaining weight, not unfounded fear either.

You are going to have to be brave and talk to your daughter in a more open and honest manner. Give her the information you have and reiterate you’re there if she wants any kind of help whether it’s accompanying her to the GP or buying condoms or just listening.

Original poster

Sevenfifty · 03/06/2022 15:37

@SchoolThing my dd has horrible, unpredictable, heavy periods. Her prom dress is Cinderella style and it would be very tricky to manage in the toilets when potentially in a bloody mess. Not to mention the fact she’d need to think about taking a bigger bag with her and have enough supplies, take paracetamol blah blah blah.
I am not at all trying to manipulate her, just giving her a not having to admit you’re having sex to your mother way of getting herself on the pill…I’d have been glad of this as a teenager.
When I first suspected this boy was her boyfriend I did the “now you’re getting older and potentially going to get more serious with boys” conversation and talked about consent and being safe etc. I don’t want now to bring it up all over again as that would be naggy and annoying.
I know that the pill can lead to weight gain. Just wanted to give her the option…doesn’t make you as fat as pregnancy does.

OP posts:

wishmyhousetidy · 03/06/2022 16:02

think you are getting a really hard time on this. Been there and of course it is difficult when you find out your daughter is having sex when she is very young and particularly if you do not like the boyfriend.

The only thing i can suggest is like someone else said make sure she is aware of boundaries and consent. There is a lot of pressure placed on having sex at this age and I think although they think they are in control of situations they are often not.

As for the poster saying average age of first sex is 14, you maybe right but don’t think you are. BBC says only a third of 16 year olds have had sex. 14 is very young to be having a sexual relationship in most peoples opinion i would imagine

SchoolThing · 04/06/2022 01:57

I imparted that gem. I attended a safe sex workshop for parents of teenagers run by Family Planning. I’m inclined to side with their expertise than what “you think”.

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