Really struggling to deal with this

[SuziSecondLaw]

My 14 year old ds has always been fairly difficult, but has gotten worse in recent years.

He is absolutely lovely 50% of the time, genuinely nice, big hearted human. Until you tell him he can't do anything, and then it's like he's an entirely different person. He's absolutely vile. His dad, who I divorced 10 years ago, my dp, teachers etc all agree with this. One teacher said it's like he becomes a demon.. I couldn't argue with that.
So anyway, then obviously punishment needs to happen, which is either grounded or tech being removed etc and then he starts threatening suicide..! Which terrifies me, frankly.

He is also a trans boy, not sure if relevant but he constantly acts like he's such a victim with a terrible life. Which is not true. I disagree with the whole trans thing personally (5 of his classmates are trans...I mean, there's no way). But regardless, I have been 100% supportive in person, bought a binder, even changed him name legally a few weeks back!

I just don't know what to do. Nothing seems to help, nothing works. How do you punish a kid that threatens suicide??

There was so much going on before I even got to the part about being trans. I'm really sorry, you've got so much on your plate right now.

I don't have any advice but just didn't want to read and run. My girls are still little and to be honest this sort of situation terrifies me. It does make me sad a young woman is binding and obviously struggling, it just seems so awful. Have you tried various therapies and counselling?

Hope you're ok and someone else comes along with words of wisdom. ❤️

Honestly I've tried everything. We're on a (2years so far) waiting list with the gender identity people to help us. I've begged the school for help, I've cried on the phone to the gp.. There's nothing out there available. Just useless numbers he can call in crisis or websites to visit etc. No counselling available on the NHS, and I can't afford to go private. Just feel so stuck.

That sounds tough.

I have a 14yo boy and some of what you write sounds familiar but mine is more like 90% chilled and 10% unreasonable and yes I too worry deeply for his mental health when he is upset. It seems so intense.

But your situation is much more extreme.

Tbh I’m not sure there is much point searching for a reason, whatever it is or they are, you both need help.

Is there any way you can afford professional support for yourself? I say you because tbh kids so frequently refuse to engage but as a parent you get two benefits, someone to share your worries with and good, impartial advice to take onboard. They should also be able to tell you when to involve more professional services for your son.

I did a parenting teens course too which I found immensely helpful, may be of use?

Oh sorry I posted before seeing your update about counselling.

It's crippling, I'm sure. And infuriating and terrifying and pretty much all the feelings no mum should have to be put through.

Do you have an idea about how their trans journey started? Do you think there is some outside influence happening or were you aware when they were small that perhaps they were trans?

Like you say, there are 5 trans children in their class, there's just no way is there? It's so scary. As for the behaviour, I can't help but think the two are linked. I read a lot lately about the mental health decline of young trans people and it often comes out in very explosive ways. I'm so angry there is not more help for you both, it's diabolical.

You might want to look into PDA: pathological demand avoidance

Any chance your. Da has got hold of testosterone?

I don't know tbh. He was always a so called 'Tom boy', played football, didn't like anything stereotypically 'girly', but I brought all 3 of my kids up to be pretty gender neutral (as in, wear, and play with and do whatever you want regardless of your gender), so it wasn't unusual or anything.

I think being trans is very popular at the moment, and it's something for people with mental health issues to grasp onto, and a reason for feeling different or 'other'.. but that's just my opinion. He may well actually be trans. I'll love and support him either way, he knows that.

But yes, I think the two are linked, especially after talking to teachers etc.

I doubt it, but what makes you so that? He's not violent or aggressive at all.

Very interesting to read about that, may well be the case. But then he also ticks a lot of boxes for adhd.. Could be a lot of things, could be nothing.. There's no help out there either way 😔

Thank you all for your messages so far BTW, even just typing things out has been helpful!

This is tough

What sort of punishments are you thinking of/handing out?

I never punished my teens, but am from a different culture where teens are treated differently to the U.K. , so may not be deleting you . But. But but.... do you really need to punish him?

You sound very supportive of him, so I am sure you'll work it out

With my teens, I found asking them what they think is fair, then explaining why that does (or does not) work for me, then reaching some kind of compromise, helped to avoid conflict.

Also making a point of really trying to listen when they are angry or upset, and instead of getting defensive saying things like. " I see why you think that is unfair", so they feel heard. Then make your own point.

Good luck

Have you read “Brain Storm” by Dan Siegal? Hugely recommend - it’s about what’s happenings in the teenage brain and how to talk in a certain way to respond to what is going on (that’s outside of their control).

Regardless of identity, your child is female, with a bucketload of female hormones coursing through their body. Adolescence is tough!

But female children with ADD/ADHD/PDA/ASD have difference behaviours to males with the same conditions, so perhaps look at how females with those conditions present and see if any fit?

Good luck - parenting is hard.

It's important that you teach your DC to be as independent and self sufficient as possible, to prepare them for adulthood regardless of gender.

So being able to make simple meals, choosing what to eat that are healthy, do their own laundry, clean up after themselves, not use their home as a hotel or you as a slave...these things are very important skills to learn at this age.

Likewise social skills, being kind and thoughtful so give and take, learning being kind to others means others are more likely to want to do things for you.

If you set on this gentle path, no punishments as such just that they don't get things or things done unless they do things in kind. It really works op as getting the young person to treat others as they would like to be treated is an important skill for a successful, independent life.

I am not sure if this is the same DC you are hoping might improve if you sent to boarding school, but just be warned that the parent child dynamic changes irrevocably when a DC goes to boarding school as then they are more likely to view their parents as cash cows and not rely on their parents for emotional support ( as they are not physically there anymore) and more likely to reach out to their peer group.

Unless their peer group is of a socially similar social class/ status to them or have similar backgrounds/ interests/ grown up together they are likely to feel intimidated or feel insecure, or left out and not accepted in the clique ( especially when DC have spent years at the same school together) which could compound issues.

Good luck.

I completely agree with this.

Please look at ADHD and Autism in girls, including PDA.

There is a high correlation between the number of girls identifying as trans, and Autism.

Watching with interest.
This is very difficult, both for you and your DC. I really feel for you.
Being supportive while maintaining a secure 'container' of safe boundaries is so difficult. Especially so with children identifying as trans. My DN (20) who is trans told me that, although they do appreciate the parental support, the dawning realisation, aged 14, that my DB and SIL would affirm their trans identity and support their trans journey, was terrifying and left 14 year old DN feeling scared and out of control, like they could do or say anything and nobody would stop them. Obviously very complex, but this reflection of theirs really stuck with me. Could your DC on some level be struggling with feeling a bit omnipotent, and as if the adults in their life are not 'holding' them? I can see you are obviously bending over backwards to meet their needs, with the really worrying threat of suicide hanging over you 💐 but I'm referring to a deeper level, if that makes sense?

Sorry, 'punishment' sounds a lot worse than it is.
I'm a pretty easy going parent, but for eg if he has an exam in a couple of days then he has to stay in those evenings to revise. Or as was the case the other day, get the coursework submitted by the final date or grounded for a week (he had the date extended twice by very kind teacher, and I assured her it'd be done by the final date, but he never did it :(. I think I'm pretty fair really!

Yes, I have looked into everything from a biological sex perspective.

Anger is communicating that he thinks something is unfair - is it? Could you give an example of a scenario?
Its actually healthy for teenagers to push boundaries and take risks, they are getting ready to fly the nest. They are behaving exactly as they are supposed to, even if it’s annoying to live with! You should be more worried if they weren’t.

Pretty sure he's not autistic or pda.. Neither seem to fit.

I've always thought perhaps adhd, but even that's a push. It's hard because he puts things on to get attention (something he's done since very young). For eg a year ago pretended to have a tic..

I do think it's all (trans included) a cry for attention, but I literally can't give him more attention than he already gets. He gets more than my other 2 dc, my partner, my entire family and friends combined do.. So what can I do. I assume he has a personality disorder, but where to go or what to do with that thought, I've no idea 😔

The only info I get from him when we chat about his moods and behaviour etc is how hard he finds it being trans. How I can't understand how difficult it is.

When he threatens suicide do you think he means it or has he just learned that it makes you back down?

Pretty sure he's not autistic or pda.. Neither seem to fit

It sounds like they do fit with how girls with those conditions present.

This is a very good comment. Maybe he is even wondering if he is not really trans.