How to help 14 yo DS deal with his jealous girlfriend

[HFG37]

He is a lovely boyfriend from what I can tell and tries really hard not to provide fuel for her jealousy...but we have family friends with daughters and when they visit she can't cope with it and gives DS a really hard time. I have said to him that jealousy is irrational and that there's not a lot he can do - it's good that he is reassuring but I really don't want him feeling guilty etc. He is already avoiding female friends to avoid upsetting her What do I say to him? She has her reasons for feeling insecure (unsettled homelife) but I so want to protect DS from the fallout of her insecurity.

Try asking him whether this behaviour is something he seeks in a long-term partner?

Whether he wants the mother of his children to be this way. Yes, I realise he's only 14 but if you are in a relationship you are practising for the big time. And we should be helping our children set boundaries and only put up with what they are willing to put up with long-term.

If it's not something he would want from his wife in the future then you can ask him when he expects her to change, and what would bring about that change, then discuss it.

Let him know you don't date potential, you date the person.

He shouldn't have to learn to deal with it. This is fully her issue and at 14 it's important to make him know it's not his problem to solve

You teach him that she is showing him who she is, reducing his life to what she permits it to be

when she gets there, that still won’t be enough and she’ll lock him down more

Yeh, I know you're all right. I do tell him it's not his responsibility to make her feel happy, that her jealousy shouldn't control him. But he cares about her so wants to make it right. I guess I just have to reiterate that it isn't because of him, that her issues are driving it, and to just be there for him.

They are 14, I wouldn't be encouraging dating at all.

You need to look at every resource available to teach you how to talk to your son about what healthy relationships look like, and this is most definitely not it. He need the tools and knowledge to recognise that he is in a toxic relationship, and nothing that he is doing is responsible for her behaviour. Don't just let this go, you son needs help.

This wouldn’t happen with my ds. He’s seen what his dad did to us

I’d be explaining why he needed to end this relationship not because “I told you so” because it’s what I would tell my dearest friend, it’s what I’d tell myself to do because I know what happens to you when you allow someone to control your life