14 year old ran away overnight gone for 12 hours

[mumofblu]

I'm asking what would you do to make your child know this has consequences

My dd bf told her and me he was grounded and had to get home after they went walking after school . I picked them up and told my dd after if he had to get home for a certain time he should make sure he stays close to home and not rely on me.

Later I was out and saw him with a girl , obv not grounded or not where he should be . I asked dd who was at home if he was still grounded because I'd seen him out and not happy if I'd been lied to to get a lift . My dd asked who he was with and I told her a girl but that's not my business.

My dd contacted her bf and apparently he was " comforting an upset friend " . And I was stalking him ? He had seen me drive past .

My dd was really angry at me ( I know shoot the messenger right !) and left the house , turned phone tracker off and refused to tell me where she was . Didn't come home at 8 as should . After telling her I would have no option but to call the police she was not bothered . I called police who took numbers of all places she could be and knew that she had mental health issues and prev overdose and MASH referral because of risk from ( dv) bf but they did nothing . A parent called me at 7.30 next day to say she had slept there without her knowledge . She told her to get home , get ready and go to school which she did .
I have complained to the police about their lack of action and concern , shared with social care who are doing an assessment to get a social worker . And told school .

I have told my dd that I'm no longer funding her / giving her pocket money , lifts too and from school or open house to her bf . but what else can I do ? If we ground her she won't comply and despite police saying to report if it happens again what will that do . She knows I called the police but as she said " they don't care your just being a bitch "
Any advice !?!?

If your DD is at risk of DV from her ‘boyfriend’, why are you facilitating their relationship? You’re the parent here - she’s a child being abused!

If she is mentally ill, I’m not sure what grounding her, cutting off her finance, taking her phone and confining her to the house is meant to achieve anyway? You just increase her feelings of helplessness.
You need to try to improve your communication with her, not shut it down. Not easy I know, but if you are both losing your rag you honestly will get nowhere.

So basically you told your vulnerable, mentally unwell DD that her boyfriend is seeing other girls behind her back, and made it about you being lied to rather than about her. Then when she got upset and went out instead of sympathising with her and supporting her over messages you went nuclear and threatened her with the police.

Frankly, it sounds like communication has completely broken down here. Are you able to access any parenting courses? Would you consider family therapy?

If you cut off her funds, refuse for her to have the BF in the house and no longer take her to school, you will push her away.
Talk to her about how scared you were, not how angry, do one punishment-grounded for a week, say-then move on.

@Soontobe60
We are not facilitating, we have reported to social services and told her counselling as well as talking to her about what we are seeing and how she should expect a bf to behave . We have him at our house so he knows we watch but they go to school together and school are also aware . She doesn't go to his house , he is witness to dv and has a social worker

@MintyMoocow
Have you even read what I put ? We haven't grounded her , taken her phone or lost our rag .
I was very calm and gave her the a option of returning home or I would have to call the police as I have been told to by crisis team following overdose .

@MolliciousIntent
I told her I was unhappy that I was lied to to get a lift home , she told me earlier in the day that she knows he lies to her so I was confirming what she knows . I didn't make a big deal about the girl because we have previously talked about his behaviour with girls ( from her ) and what a healthy relationship is . Her dad my dh is a great example of a kind and lovely man .

I did say I'm sorry if he's not behaving and she went nuclear : defending him , so I moved away from her .

I gave her the option to return home quietly with no fuss and I was here if she wanted to talk but equally I would leave her alone if she didn't . That's not being unsupportive.

@NancyJoan
Haven't refused bf in the house at all just said she has to ask first if it's ok .
Walking to and from school is because she is often not there when I go to pick up because she's left with him even though she's asked for a lift earlier . I ask her to let me know if she doesn't want lift . And not always expect one as dh works away snd we have a younger more reliant child .
Haven't grounded her because it gives her more reason to rebel just said be home at agreed time / before dark and let us know her plans .

Nothing here in these replies have made any useful suggestions . Just suggestions on what I'm doing wrong that I'm not actually doing .

I'm scared and worried for her and she knows that

I suggested family therapy, is that not an option?

@MolliciousIntent
We have been turned down for it twice , I'm hoping the social care family assessment will approve it .

All services say we are doing everything right but her behaviour is extremely challenging . I have counselling to to support her .

Where's her dad in all this? Is there a history of early years trauma? That's usually the root of behaviour like this, that or additional needs.

@MolliciousIntent
Her dad works away but home at weekends, they do martial arts together, very involved .

Yes early trauma following sexual assault aged 8 from an 12 year old boy , has talked about it and now in trauma counselling which she's engaging well with .

She's great in so many ways , bright , articulate , popular but self esteem v low and in an abusive relationship which I have thought for a while but only just seeing confirmed which is why social care is being bought in , school aware too .

I went through a very tough time with my son during his teenage years, looking back now I wish I had spent more one on one time with him building up our strained relationship as we just butted heads. You are doing the right things by staying calm and having boundaries but it sounds like something is going on with your daughter and she needs alot of support building up her self esteem. This should be a focus as she sounds very vulnerable at the moment and not mentally able to pull away from the boyfriend and if you go against him it will feel like an attack on her and she will look to him more. Healthy relationships should be taught in school but hopefully she gets the counselling soon and that helps her.

Bit of a drip feed there OP! With such significant trauma at such a crucial age, I think you really need to stop thinking about this as "bad behaviour" because it 100% isn't. She's had all of her ideas about healthy relationships completely fucked, and to be honest this is the sort of thing that can ruin a person for life.

If I were you I'd be making sure she had weekly counselling sessions for the foreseeable future, so that she always has a safe, neutral space to rely on. And I'd be prioritising positive interactions. If you know she knows her BF lies to her, there was no need to bring up what you saw, that to her would just feel like you rubbing it in her face. I wouldn't do that again if I were you. You know he's bad news and deep down she knows that too, but you're not going to be able to make her let go of him by ramming it down her throat. Detatch a bit from that aspect of her life and instead focus on creating lots of positive moments between the two of you. Favourite foods. Film nights. Little text messages.

When I was having a really terrible time with mental health as a teen, my mum used to sit with me and tell me about her favourite memories of the two of us when I was younger. Little things like feeding the ducks, or the day she brought me home from the hospital. To help me feel the love and bond we had. I thought it was cringey at the time but honestly it made such a difference.

It seems like you were angry at DD for her BF lying to you. It seems likely that he was lying to her too to go out with another girl, doesn't it?

I'm not sure it was a good idea to mention it to her at all. It sounds like she is putting his wants above her own needs.

I don't know how you get her to know her self worth, but ithink where her BF is concerned, you have to speak to her gently and not express your annoyance with him to her. She will feel that you are in opposition to her and you have to remain on her side through your tone of voice.

When I was 14, my BF was my new boss. I was a very compliant child, but sometimes my old boss (my parents) was in opposition with my BF. It was incredibly difficult to navigate, but my BF was the one I had to answer to ultimately.

Your poor DD. 14 is so young.

@MolliciousIntent
She has weekly trauma counselling for the foreseeable which she enjoys and engages with . I don't see her behaviour as bad , I told her I love her and w as bf y to o mss as me sure she's safe . Calling the police is not a punishment it's what weve been told to do if she disappears esp because of bf behaviour . It's to protect her .

I told her about bf to confirm to her that her feelings about him were valid , i didn't make a deal about the girl , we have talked about trust in heathy relationships and how it's hard to be in a relationship where we don't trust someone or they don't trust us .

I know her reaction to me was panic about him but I was trying to make the point that he was out after having a lift from me and I don't like being lied to . She is my priority not him . And while I don't feel positive about them together I do recognise he is boy who is also vulnerable

Can you look at my original post and apart from the not telling her about girl ( she asked me and I dont lie , she knows I had a relationship when I was younger that I ended after he hit me , I talk very openly about the importance of truth )

Reading my post it does sound hard and not like that at all . She knows I love and support her but yes he is her only focus , she's told me that .

@mumofblu you should not have been making a point to DD that he shouldn't be out after getting a lift from you. Her BF was obviously lying to her.

You not liking being lied to is by the by, it is your DD's autonomy from her BF that is the concern, not yours.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't how I would navigate this as a parent. I was a 14YO in an abusive relationship though and I had also been SA by an older boy when I was 12. My parents were not to blame for the SA, but they did not safeguard me in my relationship from 14 onwards.

How old is the BF?

@Velvian

I'm sorry to hear of your experience
The bf is the same age and they are st school together . I make him welcome to the house while also trying to model good interactions . He often tells her she is stupid or silly and I counteract this with no she's not she's really smart and j know this because she's my daughter , in s joking way She has picked up on this and told me she knows I don't like him . I say it's not that I don't like him it's just i don't agree with what he's saying . Different opinion .

My telling her I had seen him out was my clumsy attempt at telling her that her belief he lies was a good assumption . And if I'd not said he was with s girl she would have been angry if she found out because she knows I feel It's important to tell the truth and she asked me who he was with

I've been thinking back to my mum at that time. She thought that she was going through it, that she was the victim of the situation. Really her role should have been one of protection.

She's not had an epiphany in the last almost 3 decades either. When I've prevented my DS from doing certain things, she will say, "when you were that age you were out doing all sorts..."

I think that is the only identifiable thing that I can pinpoint to do differently if I find myself in that situation with my DD. To not be the victim of the situation, to not express hurt feelings to my DD's reactions to being in a harmful situation.

@Velvian
I completely agree about not playing the victim which I know it seemed I did . I had that as a child too . In fact when i once told
My mum something she cried and put herself to bed until my sister said to her hey it didn't happen to you you should be there for blu !
I did it to align myself with her belief that he lies .

I have just spoken with a police sergeant who has agreed that their response to my call for help was not appropriate and that he is raising it within the organisation as a serious failure . He is satisfied that all the safeguarding is in place and if we call again they will call the numbers of where she could be and when found will do a visit to make sure she is safe and come with a view of caring about her not punishment

Feeling some relief

I do what you've dealt with overnight for my job, well, it's a part of my job.

If what you've written in your OP and updates is correct then my main responses are-
"I told her he was with a girl but that's not my business" - this was a profoundly dense thing to say to her, considering her history. You could have omitted who he was with, as your main issue was that you were clarifying if he was grounded or not. You essentially rolled your vulnerable daughter a hand grenade. Your off of the cuff "shoot the messenger, right" was an interesting thing to add, as you're essentially saying "it's not my fault your boyfriends a prick, I just told you the info" without giving any agency to her anger. You're her mum, you're going to get the brunt of it, especially as you've literally put yourself in the crossfire by stirring the pot.

The police response wasn't great, if I'm honest it often isn't, especially when they get to 14+.

Considering her background, you need to drop any and all 'punishments' for reactions to trauma triggers. Her brain doesn't work like yours, she's not choosing these reactions. You need to work with her, you say she's engaging in therapy which is great, this is a part of that. I have genuinely no idea why you're using lifts to school as currency for punishment, if anything it's the other way around. Why would you give your vulnerable daughter, who has just absconded, more chances to go AWOL by giving her the time and space on the way to school to do it again/something similar?

I hope your social services referral comes through quickly, this is exactly the support you both need. Try and find a youth support service in your area as well.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme, this is a great way to start identifying behaviours that she needs to look out for in relationships that put her in danger. She has been abused and her ability to navigate relationships is hugely damaged.

Thankyou@daisyjgrey

I'm finding my way through this , it's a minefield with teenagers anyway but add trauma but I'm getting it's a different set of rules .

I can see now she panicked and I was caught in the cross fire . The shot the messenger comment was I often get the brunt of her moods when she's not happy or he's done something .

She found out last week he had had 3 girls in his room while my dd was at a party he didn't want her to go too but I didn't know this till after .

She asked me who he was with and I said I didnt know , she then asked if it was a girl . What should I have said ?

But surely I can't ignore her swearing in my face. pushing me and grabbing me and sending me swearing texts . Or do I ?

Regarding the lifts to and from school , she loves school and won't miss it but is lazy regarding walking , and the lift after school ? she often walks anyway in the opposite direction and calls me when she wants picking up which I do mostly if i can . But surely it's not unreasonable to let someone know if you want a lift or not ?

What's your job , it sounds interesting?