I don't like my child

[DarknessWithin]

Is there anyone who doesn't like their own child?
One of my kids is a nightmare. She is demanding, getting physical, and she feels entitled to everything. But she is like that just at home, at school she is quiet, has no friends.
I tried so hard to fix our relationship and help, but nothing worked. mental health said they wouldn't interfere until she attacks her siblings. I don't really want to involve the police as my older one can lie in their face. sometimes when I want to talk to her about behaviour, she looks at me and says, "what? I would never hurt my mum". She drops trash on the floor; when I ask her to pick it up, she will say later, and then when I persist, she will drop it on me. Today she made a fight as I put her hot chocolate in the wrong cup. When I asked her to just put it in different, she started to fight that I had to do it. She is getting physical. I just got to this point. I want it when she is 18. If she doesn't move out of the house, I will take her siblings and move out without her. I can't look at her anymore. I am a single parent and have no help at all. Can't even tell my friends what I am going thru as it is so shameful

I’m so sorry this is what you’re facing x

I'm sorry you're struggling. She sounds very unhappy - perhaps very angry and she's taking it out on you because she feels that it's safe to do so?

Why is it that she has no friends? Has she never had any friends or is this a recent thing?

Has her behaviour always been challenging? Could some sort of neurodiversity be a factor?

How old is she right now? Is her dad totally out of the picture? I understand that you feel you can't talk about it to your friends, but perhaps they might be less judgemental and more understanding than you think? It does sound like you need some support for yourself.

Also, when you say she is getting physical, what exactly does that mean?

Op I'm sorry this is really tough for you. What support do you have. Can you afford family therapy or counselling for yourself

Did she suffer trauma as a child at any point?

It’s not shameful OP. She sounds very difficult. Does she treat her father the same way or is it just you she mistreats? How does he help you with this?

Hi OP, my 14yo is a nightmare too, in a way that sounds similar to yours. She drives me up the wall. It's really painful, isn't it.

I survive on occasional friendly moments, and the hope that she'll grow out of it If I remain calm but firm. Not that I always manage.

I guess I'm trying to say that it is OK to be properly fed up with her as long as you maintain your own standards of decency and care? Either she'll grow out of it or she'll just grow up and move away. Either way, things will get better.

@ Mumwantingtogetitright She never had real friends. In primary school, she had few you could call not close friends, but then they went to different schools or just backstabbed her. So she becomes friends not with who she chooses but with whoever chooses her. She is now 15, there were always problems with her being too temperamental, but now it is getting like living with an enemy. Her dad is out of the picture living in a different country; he sometimes calls me that he will send money but never does. They do not talk together as he previously promised her stuff for birthdays/Christmas, etc. When the time came, he was cut contact for a few weeks to start promising the same things again. Sometimes, I had to buy some things to spread her disappointment out of guilt.

My friends have these perfect kids and perfect families; they don't get it. If they are tired husband takes over, or grandmas, aunts etc. One advised I spend more time with her, but I am a single parent, juggling uni (nursing), placement, work, and home, and I can not spend any more time with any of my kids anymore. I have no more time. I am behind in my academic work because of this situation at home, and I am waiting every day when I go to work/placement, not to be home.

She's got no friends , her Fad is absent and you don't spend any time with her. I'd say it's pretty obvious she wants attention and misbehaving is a way to get it.

*Dad

@Mumwantingtogetitright she is getting physical - she hits me

@waterrat she did, her father was abusive, and we spaned first 6 years of her life in different domestic violence shelters

@DogsAndGin he has no contact with her, and he is in a different country. We separated about 9 years ago. We occasionally speak on the phone; he seems to be happy she turned that way. I have no clue why I even talk to him. It was a domestic violence relationship, and the court terminated his parental rights.

Sounds like lots of significant trauma and separation for her (and you).

GP- you need to push for a CAHMS referral. Be demanding and be persistent.

school- talk to them in the same way they may be able to access other help.

home life-
when she is calm/happy explain your expectations and get her agreement. Have expectations she can and will meet and PRAISE like crazy. Don’t set her up to fail. Ignore the minor bad things. But have a line for the bigger things. Be calm. Be resolute.

watch dr Ross Greene on you tube. Watch all his lectures. Illuminating.

@ThreeLocusts x, it isn't easy. I think I am slowly losing myself here. I can't go out with my younger one as the older one wants to go. When she goes, she complains, she demands things all the time, and the family escapade changes into a nightmare. I can't get into any relationship as I am ashamed and scared of what will she do.
Even when for a few minutes she is friendly, I know she will flip soon, so I can't even enjoy these few minutes.
How are you managing? Are you able to go out sometimes? Do something just for yourself?

OP, I'm sorry. It sounds really tough. You and your dc have obviously been through a lot.

I agree with the suggestion of trying to get professional support in place for your dd as soon as possible. It's awful that they're saying that she has to attack her siblings before they will get involved. Do they know that she is hitting you, and about the trauma that she suffered as a young child? As a starting point, could you perhaps go and talk to your GP about the impact that the whole situation is having on you?

I completely understand that you don't want to talk to your friends about what's happening because you feel that it's shameful, and perhaps you feel that your friends with their seemingly perfect families just won't understand. However, it sounds like you desperately need support, and you might find that your friends are more understanding and supportive than you think. My best friend left an abusive relationship a few years ago. Her older dd experienced a lot of trauma and has given her mum a lot of grief over the last few years. It has been incredibly challenging and my friend has been through extended periods when she wished that she had never had her kids - something that she found really hard to admit. I love being a mum personally and have been lucky enough to have an exceptionally easy child, but it honestly never occurred to me to judge my friend or consider her feelings to be shameful... quite the contrary, I admire her strength and tenacity through the most challenging situations and I think she is an amazing parentto her two dc. Are there really no friends in RL who you could talk to? They might be happy to help with practical stuff if they can, or they could at least just listen and let you offload?

FWIW, my friend's dd is doing brilliantly now after a few truly hellish years for both of them, and they are rebuilding their relationship in the most wonderful way. It isn't all plain sailing and they still have the odd hiccup, but her dd has made so much progress and is so much happier now. And my friend is actually enjoying being a mum again, so perhaps there might be light at the end of the tunnel?

I think the early trauma in her life is affecting her, and professional support would be the best way forward, if you can access it, maybe by starting with a visit to the GP.